Scottish Insults

Every now and then I get a little gem from home. This week it was mostly jibes about Glasgow Rangers failure to win the UEFA Cup, however, in the mail this morning came a little collection of common Scottish Insults.

These are all aimed at ladies off "loose virue", I wonder if the ladies have an equivalent set for the men?

At times like this, I miss the "odd" sense of houmour that resides within the average scotsman!

She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
It's like sha*gin a pail of water.
It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher
Fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a sand blasted tomato
Ar*e like a bag of washing
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman's knee
She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and sha*ging the night
She's seen more co*kends than weekends
A left her with a face like a painter's radio
Fa*ny like a clowns pocket
Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet
More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.
Face like a blind joiners thumb
She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Even the tide wouldn't take her out
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
Handled more balls than Dino Zoff
Pi*h flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A c*nt like a burst couch
A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
She's had more seamen than Saltcoats
She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !
She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
C*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun