Thursday 29 May 2008

Effing Airports and Bintang

Once again these very nice people at JJ Royal Cafe are allowing me Tobacco, Bintang and Internet before my flight. Off to Adelaide, Australia for business meetings, unfortunately not getting a chance to sight see in either Sydney nor Melbourne where I have friends..

Such is life, will post when I can, but on a plus, my Singapore - Sydney flight ticket says "Main Deck" - Aces, this can only mean the Airbus A380....

Looking forward to it and I'll report back if it as good as they say.

Back shortly!

Monday 26 May 2008

Lane Discipline

Does it exist, does it fuck!

Taken while my driver tries to negotiate the roundabout on Metro Pondok Indah, buggered if I know how they manage it....




On another subject, my daughter saw her first dead bodies yesterday, not draped, still bleeding after a minibus and a bike collided. Due to rubberneckers, not people trying to assist, the school bus was virtually parked at the scene of the accident, allowing the children to witness the horror that is driving skills in Jakarta.

Indonesia, where the hard shoulder is the fast lane!

Sunday 25 May 2008

America has the Mars Lander - Indonesia has...

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Indonesia launched its first, experimental rocket last Monday from a location in West Java, the space centre presumably hidden from prying eyes with a sliding lake on an extinct volcano in James Bond’s “You Only Live Twice”

Needless to say, the worlds first questions were “WTF” They feared that an Intercontinental Sambal delivery system had been tested and the fear was tangible. However, within a few days it was assessed that Indonesia's recent rocket launch presented no security threat and did not mean Jakarta would use the technology for weapons..

Apparently Indonesians are serious about developing a world class space programme, like other Asian countries. The ability to launch their own satellites to allow unlimited Sinetron to the masses is essential to the countries development.

While Koreans have just launched their first astronaut (albeit with a little Russian assistance) other countries are in for a bit of the action as well. The Indians are getting ready to build their own crew capsule for putting astronauts in space. Currently Indonesia buys its rockets from India, although recent photographs of Mumbai’s Mission Control show there is much yet to be done.

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The head of Indonesia’s National Aeronautics and Outer Space Institute's Cooperation Division, said that the launch was successful.

“We launched in early morning there was no wind, no rain, it was very good conditions” He continued “ Pak Hamid, the Sate Man did a roaring trade around the launch pad and the rocket has been loaded with all the unsold copies off the Presidents last CD in case there is unintelligent life en-route” .

Apparently the launch was the first stage of a five-year programme to enable Indonesia to launch its own satellites into space.

Now, correct me if I am wrong, there are people to feed, children to educate, diseases to be cured, roads to be repaired, corruption to be eradicated, canals to be built, dams to be strengthened, pollution to be conquered, logging to be stopped, and err, emm many others I suppose. These listed above are “need to’s”

Given the current financial situation and social problems the country has, I thought it may have been better to leave rocket science to others…….

Big Foot in De Hooi

During a beer at De Hooi on Saturday night I met the same guy who had been discussing Marsh Arabs with me a few months back. Despite the fact that I think he is a bit off a dick, I was intrigued when he launched off on a new topic- “Big Foot Sighting’s in Sumatra”

Nearly choking on the Bintang I responded with a quick “get the fuck out off here” and sniggered quietly in my corner. One of the company, otherwise know as “ the voice of moderation and reason “ (because she is not) was backing Pak Marsh Arab up with statistics and sightings which I imagine were Google searched from her imagination and eventually I got my iPod out, slapped the headphones on and watched an episode off “Torchwood” which probably had more realism than the ravings of that pair of lunatics.

Yesterday, as the Bintang haze lifted and the Spam Toasties which had been the breakfast fare had hit the spot, I decided to check up on these “claims” and was moderately surprised that there was in fact a rash of information on the subject on the net!

The first and most obvious was the link below, which is quite interesting but, as the links continued I discovered more UFO and Conspiracy type sites with little snippets of information, even a BBC News report from 2006 in nearby Malaysia, not any hard evidence, but enough to dig deeper.

Bigfoot in Duri

Where the money started to roll in was with a link, suggesting that there was an Indonesian Creature known as “Orang Pedek” which has been hunted by scientist s for years and ironically, may actually have more than an aurora of evidence about it.

Seems, there is a possible link from the Hobbits of Flores (Homo Floresiensis) to these creatures, not that they are anywhere near the height of the Yeti or Sasquatch, more like one meter high with the ability to walk bipedally in a proper human fashion rather than an ape like gait! This led me onto this website, which I actually quite enjoyed.

Project Orang Pendek

Project Orang Pendek is worth a view as there is a lot of other information contained within (check the embedded links), I recommend a visit.

Far as I am concerned, the results are not yet in for this one, but, I may listen a little bit more to "Pak Marsh Arab" and "The Voice of Moderation and Reason" because, although they do spout a load of shit, checking up on it afterwards can be fun!

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Are things getting better?

The news this morning broke with the ending off eight years of travel advice warnings regarding Americans visiting Indonesia

"The United States lifted a travel warning placed on Indonesia following a string of deadly terrorist attacks, saying the security situation in the world's most populous Muslim nation had improved.

The last suicide bombing was more than 2 1/2 years ago on Bali island.

"The government ... has disrupted, arrested and prosecuted numerous terrorist elements," U.S. Ambassador Cameron Hume said Sunday in announcing the decision to lift the warning, which was put in place after several bombs went off in the capital, Jakarta, in 2000. "


Good news, certainly for "Murkans" who stay away in their droves when there is the slightest chance they could get scratched by a dog or catch a dose of the Indo Intestines. I fear we are about to become inundated...

In other news, fuel prices did increase jump by almost 30% on Saturday Evening and there is information out that the 27th and the 28th have been identified as the days most likely to have protests and disruptions.

The last time prices were increased, there were threats of all sorts of shit6 happening which never materialised. It is hoped that this is the case again as I cannot be arsed sitting in my car for hours while the noisy fuckwits shut the streets down...

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Finally, at 6:30 am Jakarta Time, NASA announced that Mars Explorer had landed.

If you are interested, the feed is here....

NASA TV

Apologies for the terrible photoshop!

Friday 23 May 2008

Surfing

In the limited time I have each day to surf the internet (No sniggering at the back) I often neglect to mention the sites I really enjoy. Going through my morning routine(Coffee, cigarette, e-mail, news, web) I clicked onto

The Rab Experience

I like Rob, no messing, no bullshit and all round nice guy. Have a click, cheer yourself up! (Worked for me)

Wednesday 21 May 2008

When the traffic stopped

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This was the view from the Jakarta Stock Exchange Building yesterday as a day of protest about fuel price increases hit the streets.

Traffic from the north towards the south on Sudirman trickled to a stop while in the opposite direction, as you can see nothing was moving.

As reported in the Jakarta Post.....

In Jakarta, thousands of students gathered at the Hotel Indonesia traffic circle and later flocked to the State Palace, which has become a focal point for recent fuel price protests.

The demonstrations resulted in heavy traffic delays in those areas as police were forced to divert traffic from several major thoroughfares.

A separate protest was staged in front of the House of Representatives' building in Central Jakarta.

The rally outside the State Palace was organized by the City Forum (Forkot), National Council 98, Gunadarma University students, Bung Karno University and the People's Democratic Party (PRD). The rally in front of the House was staged by the Student Executive Council (BEM).

"We reject the fuel price increase. SBY (President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono) has betrayed the people," read posters carried by protesters.

Other protesters yelled: "Say no to BLT (direct cash assistance)."

Police arrested a number of students, accusing them of provoking riots, following a brief clash in front of the State Palace.

Late in the day, one student was taken to the hospital after being hit by a rubber bullet during the rally outside the House building.

"We will sue the police over the shooting incident and file a complaint for violence," BEM coordinator


Anger has grown since the government confirmed plans last week to lift prices of heavily subsidised fuel by up to 30 percent, although it has vowed to cushion the impact on the poor through cash handouts. (It will be more interesting to see how these "cash handouts permeate down to those who need them)

Some protesters carried slogans saying: "SBY-JK must step down", referring to the initials of President Yudhoyono and Vice President Jusuf Kalla.

Lines of police carrying riot shields blocked the crowds in front of the white colonial-style presidential palace.

The news co-incided with the recent 10th anniversary of the riots which tore Jakarta apart ten years ago, and although the students then have grown up, it was todays students who were back on the streets

"Ten years ago our brothers, our teachers, fought for reform. But now, let's admit it, democracy is almost dead," a student, who only gave his name as Gilang, told the flag-carrying crowd.

There has been a series of demonstrations in the last few weeks since the fuel price issue became prominent, although they have been mainly small scale and relatively peaceful.

Price hikes are a sensitive issue in Indonesia, where millions live on less than $2 a day and have had to cope with rising prices of rice, cooking oil and now fuel.

I had a bugger of a time getting home so I decided to stop for a beer on the way, afterwards, I dont think the traffic bothered me quite so badly....must be a moral to this.

(PS. I have a driver)

Tuesday 20 May 2008

Sickened to the Core

Despite all that is said and done, human trafficking remains a problem here in Indonesia. Unfortunately, they are preying on the poor and partially educated, scaring these girls into silence allowing their activities to carry on unabated.

Last week, 20 teenagers, little older than my own daughter were freed from a brothel in Duri, which is a shithole in Sumatra. I’ve been there a number of times and there is a definite split between the Chevron Staff (both Indonesian and Expat) who live there and everyone else.

Being an oilfield town, Duri attracts many who work in the oil related businesses within the area, many of whom are transient labourers willing to put up with shit jobs for shit pay. (Trust me, I have both been to Duri and in my past worked shit jobs)

Accordingly, it’s no surprise that prostitution exists, although, as a”Bule” (foreigner) I neither saw nor was invited to partake of such activity.

Truck Drivers, labourers, machinists, drill crew, the normal workforce who work away from home form the main customers for the brothels and, to their great pity, never pay attention as to where their “hooker” came from.

Here is the report from the Jakarta Post which tells the story. Once again, another story which burns my fucking arse!

Bandung girls freed from Riau sex trade

With unwanted pregnancies, both Nia and Ria (not their real names) would return from their 1,200-kilometer, Bandung-Pekanbaru ordeal which began February, after spending three months working in a brothel in Duri, Riau.

Nia (one month pregnant) and Yuni (four months pregnant), both conceived during their time as sex workers at Bukit Indah Permai brothel in the city.

"We don't know who to ask to take responsibility for our babies, because we got pregnant with visitors we were serving at the parlor. We were supposed to work as waitresses, but in fact we were trapped and instructed to serve visitors without using any contraceptives," Nia said Saturday at Mandau police office, from where she and others would return home to Bandung, West Java.

Nia, 16, said she was offered a job as a waitress in Duri, with a monthly salary of Rp 1.5 million (approximately US$166) by a middleman who recruited them in Bandung.

"I realized I had been duped when we arrived in Duri and were forced to serve customers at the bar.

"The pimp always watched us closely. No one was allowed to go outside, but now we're free," said Nia, who left school after graduating from junior high school in her home town.

Nia and Ria were two of 20 teenagers released by the police after a crackdown on the bar early last week. A man allegedly acting as the pimp was also arrested.

"We have handed the suspect to Bandung city police. The case will be investigated there because the report was filed in Bandung," Mandau Police chief Adj. Comr. Ade Mulyana told the Post.

"We are investigating the sex trafficking network here," Mulyana added.

Another victim, Yani, 17, said she was lured into the job because her parents could no longer afford to put her in school.

According to Yani, the middlemen provided each of them with Rp 500,000 when they left Bandung. It was only later that they were told that the money was not a down payment but a loan.

"When we arrived here, the pimp who took us said we each already owed him Rp 2 million to cover transportation costs. He then forced us to serve customers, and took a cut from what we earned to pay for the debts in installments. Until now, we still owe him Rp 1 million," Yani said.

The pimp had used the debt as an excuse to hold the girls, and they "were not allowed to leave the bar until we repaid all their debts," Yani said.

"The pimp watched us closely and selected the clients to prevent them from escaping," she added.

"We were tricked, but we didn't dare run away for fear of being chased," Yani said.

The sex trafficking network was revealed when the mother (Halimah) of one of the victims (Ekawati), filed a report with the Bandung Police, May 5, stating that her daughter had been cheated and forced to become a sex worker in Duri.

Ekawati had used a customer's cell phone to call her mother and explain the situation in the parlor.

Thanks to Halimah's report, Bandung Police were able to arrest three suspects acting as brokers to recruit women in Bandung.

During the interrogation, three suspects admitted to having sent eight girls, including Eka, to Duri.

Bandung Police chief of detectives Adj. Comr. Legawa Utama and two of his subordinates then went to Duri and worked with local authorities to raid the brothel.

The officers found the eight victims originating from Cibabat and Balai Enda sub-districts (Bandung regency) working at the Telaga Indah bar.

Prior to their departure, the women gave their testimonies to the police who would use the information in court.

Mandau Police chief Adj. Comr. Ade Mulyana said preliminary investigations had shown no indications Duri being a transit point for human trafficking.

"They had intended to bring the girls here from the start. Bukit Indah Permai is not the only red light district, but there are many 'underground' locations along the Trans-Sumatra Highway offering sexual services to motorists," he said.

Mulyana said the police needed to understand that many young girls worked as sex workers in the area.

"But we must rely on reports from the public to begin our investigations. We will enhance our surveillance and investigations of reported sites, and expect the public to get involved by making reports and complaints," he said.

In many similar cases, Riau and Riau Islands have become transit points in trafficking children and women from Java Island and West Nusa Tenggara for employment as sex workers in Malaysia, Singapore and Japan.

I chose not to put my usual spin on this one…it just sickens me to the core!

Edit:
I suppose what really annoyed me as mutch as the crime itself was that the Bandung Police who travelled to Duri and worked with the local Police to raid the place. Am I being told that the Duri Police knew nothing about this operation. I think that once again, there was more than a single blind eye being turned here.

Sunday 18 May 2008

Scottish Insults

Every now and then I get a little gem from home. This week it was mostly jibes about Glasgow Rangers failure to win the UEFA Cup, however, in the mail this morning came a little collection of common Scottish Insults.

These are all aimed at ladies off "loose virue", I wonder if the ladies have an equivalent set for the men?

At times like this, I miss the "odd" sense of houmour that resides within the average scotsman!

She had a f*nny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back
Look's like she's been dooking for apples in a chip pan
Had more hands up her than sooty!
She's got a face like a dog lickin pi*h off a nettle.
It looks like she's been set on fire and put out with a golf shoe!
She's got a face that could make an onion cry.
I wouldn't ride her into battle.
Everyone has a right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege
I wouldn't do her with a rusty pole
Mair chins than a Chinese phone book
She smells like an alkies carpet
She has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician
It's like sha*gin a pail of water.
It's like sha*gin the sleeve off a wizards cloak!
she's killed more co*ks than a fowl butcher
Fa*ny like a ripped out fireplace
Face like a sand blasted tomato
Ar*e like a bag of washing
She sweats like a dog in a Chinese restaurant
She's seen more helmets than Hitler
Face like a stuntman's knee
She's got a fa*ny like a badly packed kebab
Like opening the window and sha*ging the night
She's seen more co*kends than weekends
A left her with a face like a painter's radio
Fa*ny like a clowns pocket
Fa*ny like a Hippo's yawn
She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out
I bet she's got a fa*ny like a pub carpet
More pri*ks than a second hand dartboard.
Face like a blind joiners thumb
She's done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew
She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo
Even the tide wouldn't take her out
Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard
Handled more balls than Dino Zoff
Pi*h flaps like John Wayne's saddle bags
She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout
A c*nt like a burst couch
A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters
She's had more seamen than Saltcoats
She's seen more stiffs than Quincy !
She's seen more cokes than a bottle of Bacardi!
C*cked more times than Elmer Fudds shotgun

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Spontaneous Happenings in Tangerang

Not known for its open mindedness, the Orang Tangerangs had a dilemma, give in to their deepest desires or go on the rampage.

Yup, you gessed right, rampage it was as the Public Order Agency ripped down over 500 illegal billboards promoting penis enlargement aids.

"We have to maintain cleanliness, beauty and order. This is also a way to express our commitment to educate on moral standards," Syanora, head of an unknown public order agency said, adding that no such advertisement deserved a place in public.
Most of the illegal billboards were presented in eye-catching colors and were installed strategically on the sides of streets, including on electricity poles and trees in clear view of cars and pedestrians.

(Tsk, Tsk, it is a well known fact that adverts should be hidden from view and should be very difficult for people never mind cars to read them. Unfortunately no-one has been able to get one of these adds and scan it, I would have liked to have posted that one )

One of the removed billboard read "Spontan Besarkan-Panjangkan Alat Vital" (spontaneously enlarge and prolong your vital organ). The advertisers displayed their contact numbers on the billboards.

(I love that, “spontaneously”, I have strange visions here, like “stand back, this is bigger than both of us” and men walking nonchalantly down the supermarket aisles, only to be hit with a sudden nether region enlargement)

Residents who witnessed the removal supported the officers' action. "We back up the administration's assertive stance because the billboards have spoiled the city's appearance," Nasrudin, a resident of Cikokol said while pumping away with the Chartham Method accessories he purchased that morning…

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Tangerang, great place to live!

Wednesday 14 May 2008

The Domino Effect

It appears that on Monday arrests were made at a golf course near the airport.

In the beginning, airport police detective chief Insp. Toffee Apple Hidayat first said the four suspects were of Japanese nationality. But later in the day, he changed his statement, saying the suspects were all Indonesians.

"We are still questioning the suspects for further examination" Toffee said on Tuesday.(It also appears something was lost in translation here)

Apparently the seizure consisted of a set of dominoes,US$100 and Rp 8.5 million (US$923) in cash.

Apparently the raid was held following a tip-off from visitors who told the police "some Japanese men were openly gambling" at the restaurant.

"I suspect they are professional gamblers. They put in a lot of money as the stake. All of them drove Mercedes Benz cars to the airport"

Now lets get things right here.

1)
Gambling is illegal in Indonesia so, Indonesians do not gamble

2)
Since they were not Indonesian they had to be, ok, who gambles more, Chinese or Japanese, ah fuck it, we'll make them Japs

3)
"All of them drove Mercedes Benz cars to the airport" I thought they were arrested at the golf club, or, after they were arrested they drove themselves to the airport nick?

Anyway, looks like that gome of Domino's could cost them four years in the nick!

Strip Poker anyone?

Monday 12 May 2008

Alleyways

I always wonder what there is behind the little alleyways jotted around Jakarta. Normally the car is driving too fast or the alley itself is too dark for a decent shot....got lucky here!

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Holidays

Fatmawati on a public holiday...

Wish it was like this all the time!

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For only Rp 350,000

Book me in...

WTF is Virgin Smoothing anyway!

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Kantor Pos

This cracker is on Ampera Raya, South Jakarta. You would have thought the fuckwits would have least checked that the sign was correct...apologies for the quality, I noticed the sign writing was backwards and took the shot from a moving car!

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Note! No photoshop was used on this image!

A Hard Rain's a gonna fall

It happened twice last week, a sudden downpour of rain in Jakarta did its usual, closed the bloody place.

Motorists were stuck in traffic jams on the Kebayoran Lama underpass, the Casablanca underpass in Central Jakarta, specifically because the underpasses were full off motorbikes who, when it starts to rain head for cover. This in effect brings the normal three lane road down to a desperate single lane, and, will the bikers move, will they fuck.

Head of research and development at the Meteorology and Geophysics Agency, Ragtag Bobtail, said motorists would still need to anticipate heavy traffic jams due to heavy rain in many areas because the weather was predicted to last until June.

"We technically entered dry season this month but the amount of rainfall is still high," he said, adding that the changing weather would not cause floods in Jakarta as it would end next month.

He said another rainy season would start as usual in October. "We are currently watching the temperature of the Pacific Ocean to determine a weather forecast,"

Now correct me if I am wrong, traffic jams could be minimised if the roads remained passable, and, it is not the water that caused the restrictions, so should the police clear the bikers out of these areas?

The answer here is of course, yes, but, will it happen (see above, will the bikers move, will they fuck), Happy days……

Meanwhile, the toll roads remained bike free thus ensuring I never got caught!
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But, that was nothing compared to what was to come, when two days later and for the third time in seven months the toll road to the Airport was flooded.

Bill Gates arrived in that day, over on a two two-day visit, with airline passengers forced to hitch a lift on heavy trucks to pass the flooded sections. (May contain fibs, I’m sure Billy boy flew into town on a chartered helicopter)

The first floods were purely caused by rain, the delayed start of the Rainy season arrived with a vengeance, in February the airport was closed for almost 12 hours due to flooding caused by the combination of rain and high tides. For three days the city ground to a halt and the conditions made thousands temporarily homeless or without a car. Last weeks closure was once again due to rain and high tides.

The Jakarta Post was able to dig this gem up where they quoted: "Memo to self: do not visit Jakarta in the rainy season again," wrote Hong Kong-based economist Jim Walker in a note to clients after he was stuck in traffic for nine hours in early February trying to get to Jakarta's airport, a trip that usually takes no more than one hour.

In addition, The Singapore Straits Times quoted Walker, the head of independent research firm CLSA, as observing: "Today's traffic problems are an apt metaphor for Indonesia: Stuck in first gear with long periods of sitting around waiting for the jam to clear. The country is stuck with lousy leadership, weak institutions and below-potential growth."

Don’t hold back Jim, tell it like it is……however, the Jakarta Post continued with an attack on the Toll Road Operator as follows:

”Ironically, the flooding on the toll road took place as the Toll Road Regulatory Body was approving a proposal by state-owned toll road operator PT Jasa Marga to raise the tolls on the Airport toll road by 12.50 percent.

More confusing was that while newspaper front pages on Friday screamed of the havoc on the airport toll road, the business pages of some newspapers headlined the 1,300 percent increase in the net profit of Jasa Marga for the first quarter. (Also note that Fuzzy Bozo, Jakarta’s Governor stated last week that the Council would not invest in a high speed train link from the centre of town to the airport, something that I’m sure Jasa Marga endorsed)

Something appears grossly amiss here. The ridiculously large profit booked by Jasa Marga seems to reflect the government's attitude in treating such basic infrastructure as freeways, airports and seaports as profit centers.”

That in itself would have been all well and good, but, they missed the point, last weeks floods were not caused by incompetence from the toll road operators, it seems City Hall actually had a hand in it. (No big surprises there, fuckwits to a man.)

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Photo - Jakarta Indonesia Urbanlog

Hidden away in the same newspaper was a report that coastal residents in North Jakarta will have to rely on sandbags to hold off tidal waves until July, as the administration continues its tender process for the reconstruction of the embankment that holds water from the Java sea.

"We're still profiling the candidates for the projects. We hope we'll sign contracts with the (tender) winners in July," the head of technology development division of the Public Works Agency, Whothefukarwi, was quoted as saying last week.

He said his agency had allocated Rp 15 billion (US$1.6 million) in the 2008 budget to repair several parts of the broken embankment on the northern coast of Jakarta.
So, the tidal flood which caused the blockage, resulting in dozens of flight delays it transpires was actually caused by a collapsing part of the embankment near the airport. Poor old Jasa Marga (well, perhaps not so poor) were unfortunately landed with the blame, deflecting criticism from poor old City Hall.

According to reports, last weeks high tide reached 2.14 meters, while on two occasions last year a 2.20-meter high tide submerged various sub-districts, causing, let me guess, floods, traffic congestion and forced residents to flee their homes.
Previously, Deputy Governor Pripaic said that the embankment repairs are expected to finish in October, four months after the city administration finished the tender procedure.

Accordingly, until them while waiting for the tender process, the administration would have to stall high tides with sandbags and pumps. Which, guess what, they do not have enough off to do the job properly.

So there we have it in a nutshell, it was all the councils fault, oh and lest I forget, these fucking motorcyclists.

Bastards, all of them!

EDIT: 15th May 2008 - From the Jakarta Post...


Airport toll road operator PT Jasa Marga will build a dam to prevent floods caused by high tides, the company said Tuesday.

The dam, made of concrete, will measure 4 meters high by 8 meters deep and 2 kilometers long.

"It will run from kilometer 26 to 28 of the toll road, which is the area most susceptible to flooding. We expect it to be completed in June," Jasa Marga corporate secretary HOkkie Kokkie Marlina said.

Funny that, I would have thought that the council should be doing that, and, "finished in June" ..... amazing what one will do to avoid bad press.

Sunday 11 May 2008

No walking away from this one....

Don't ask me how, it seems that Jakarta's finest somehow manage to make the most difficult things possible.


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On this occasion I do not believe the gentleman concerned survived to see his skill appreciated.

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Spa.......

Something very unfortunate about the choice of name....

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Pressure Hour

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Every Friday evening at the Eastern Promise there is an event nown as Pressure Hour. Essentially free beer is served between 5pm & 6pm to all in the bar on condition that no-one goes to the Toilet and that anyone who enters the bar does not leave during this time.

It has a 50-50% success rate, the amusement comes from the punters screaming abuse at anyone who looks as though they may break the rules.

A week ago last Friday I was unable to attend, however, the evening took a turn to the ridiculous which was retold to me over the weekend.

A gentleman (lets call him Wobbly Dave) had been drinking for most of the afternoon and as the hour approached, used barstools to barricade the bathrooms in an attempt to prevent their use.

The bell rings, the free flow beer commences and 15 minutes into "Pressure Hour" Wobbly discovers to his horror that he needs to vomit.

Heading to the door, amid howls and curses from those who are sure he is going to leave the bar, thus ceasing the free flow, our hero opens the bar door, puts his head out of the gap and proceeds to empty the contents of his stomach onto the pavement outside.

Happy at having acomplished this without transgressing the rules of engagement, he closes the door and starts on his next beer.

I am unsure whether he should be applauded for his bravery or sectioned under the mental health act (does one exist within Indonesia) but either way, I have made a mental note to sit very far away from him in the future.....

Pappa Cafe moves from Jalan Jaksa to Sydney

Every now and then a little gem appears which causes me to giggle like a loon. The latest of these was submitted by a gentleman known as "Tablet" who wrote this piece purporting to be an ex Jakartan journalist who moved back to Australia about a year go.

I requested his premission to re-print this (to which he kindly acceded) and the rest is, as they say, almost Private Eye material.....(Apologies to the real Mr Simpson)


G'day everyone.

It's Roy here. You all still remember me, right? You, Nick? You, Dan? You, Roger? Especially you, Roger. Remember me, yeah? I was your lanky, long-haired, quasi-journalist mate from Jalan Jaksa. Think Pappa Cafe, table top, drunk, sleeping, dawn - that was me, usually.

It's been a while now since I departed the exotic, palm-lined shores of Indonesia and returned to my native soil, that being Australia, former trash can for British scumbags, misfits and the defrocked (I myself am descended from the Reverend John Willis Touse, transported in 1781 for stealing a prostitute's handbag, boring a glory hole in the church confessional box, and screaming blasphemies from the church spire), and I thought I'd let you know what I'm up to.

Some people, I know, believe that as soon as I returned to Oz I cut my hair, rolled up my sleeves, grabbed a rake and began plowing the family farm. Others seem to think that I spend my days scouring the budget shelves of DVD stores in search of curious old movies to send to my mates, you all, in Jakarta.

Other people even believe that I never left Indonesia at all, but built a cardboard shack on Ancol beach, where I live in tranquil obscurity, surviving by collecting bottle tops which I sell by the sack to recyclers, while avidly writing a biography of David Jardine, titled 'Batavia Bloke: The Life and Times of a Male Bag Lady in Indonesia'.

And I know that at least one of you thinks that I returned in my time machine to my home century, the Twelfth one, living the life of an alchemist. So I'd like to set the record straight.

Currently I am in Sydney (the city, not a bloke), and am in the process of opening up an Australian version of Pappa Cafe. Why? Indeed why. Bintang is the reason. Pure Bintang. When I got back here I immediately began to miss the stuff. How could I not?

Throughout my years living in Jakarta only prostitutes' tits spent more time at my lips than bottles of Bintang. When I wasn't shagging and catching venereal diseases I was amassing emptied green bottles on the table before me.

In fact I believe that, in a moment of befuddled inebriation, I may have, well, probably did, that is, I seem to recall, trying to shag a half-full, fizzing, frothing, gorgeously wet, erotically tight, bottle. But, er, we won't go into that.

So I began to import Bintang, at first just for personal consumption, say five or six crates a week, to be drunk while watching hilarious old Goon shows and ancient episodes of Derek and Clyde on my TV, but it wasn't long before I had the idea of opening up a bar that dispensed, exclusively, Bintang, to my fellow Australians, of spreading the word that even a Muslim country like Indonesia can produce a great beer, one that the prophet Mohammad himself would have approved of, for infidels.

My bar, naturally, would be modeled on that very model of Jalan Jaksa refinery and style, Pappa Cafe. If authenticity was to be achieved, this venture was not as simple as it first sounded.

Where, for example, does one find a dozen cat-sized rats to let loose around the place? Or actual cats with crooked tails to sit plaintively at your feet as you eat a chicken curry? Armadillo-sized cockroaches scuttling along the skirting boards? How does one build a urinal that pongs like a tramp's underwear and for repellent grubbiness is second only to the maid's toilet in Nick Aaron's shared house?

How would it pass muster with the city's health inspectors? What about wobbly tables, and chairs that come apart in your hands? Glasses with dirty paint spots on them? A fifteen-year-old menu? What about gaggles of squat prostitutes who drown out the sound of the television?

Glue-sniffing street urchins who sit outside in the hope of a pedophile passing by? On a positive note finding a dozen drunken losers of mixed nationalities to patronize the place at two in the morning wouldn't be too difficult in a cosmopolitan city like Sydney, and they themselves would help create that genuine Pappa Cafe atmosphere, of glum hopelessness, of squalid sexual tension, of beer-induced paranoia.

It was a tough task. But after many Bintang's worth of pondering and an expenditure of 327 Australian Dollars I think I have succeeded. I have recreated Pappa Cafe, with all its unique characteristics, its spiritual nooks and crannies, its very heart of darkness, in the heart of Sydney.

The hardest part was reproducing Danny Pope, as he sits there alone, night after night, brooding over the ultimate fate of the universe. But a replica Danny I had to have. Pappa Café without him would be incomplete, like a mutiny without a Bounty, a bum without an arsehole, a Bule without a Gila. I settled on a full-sized glossy cardboard cut-out of him, complete with a mechanical arm that lifts a bottle to his lips every 17.5 seconds, sporting real hair, planted at a corner table, looking grim and anti-social. It’s very lifelike. I would go so far as to claim that it’s indistinguishable from the real thing under the dim, sclerosis-yellow lighting.

Sadly no other cut-outs were required. Pappa Café once teemed with regulars, a broiling bevy of skint English teachers who rioted bacchanalially every night and only ever behaved when they had passed out; but they moved on over the years, at first to Uncle Pedro’s mighty Yaudah bistro with its long list of no-nos, its German-Swiss versus the rest of the world racial segregation, its somewhat better food, and then to Captain Morgan’s ship-shape establishment across the road, where blacks and whites harmoniously sing sea shanties together nightly, jigging to the hornpipe, being careful that the captain doesn’t slip the King’s Shilling into their beer glasses.

And so I would like to invite you all – even you Richard Bennet - to the soft-opening of PAPPA CAFE THE OZZIE WAY, the date of which I wall announce at a later, er date.

Large Bintangs will be served at a fifty three percent discount, and will be placed outside in the blazing sun for a few minutes before being poured in order to warm them up to that authentic Pappa Café temperature.

There will be an all-you-can-gorge buffet of near-lifelike Indonesian cuisine done the Pappa Café way, complete with amusing misspellings on the menu, and European food, including hamburgers of heated luncheon meat.

Entertainment will consist of a stand-up comedian doing impersonations of famous Jalan Jaksa characters past and present - see Commander Bob getting turfed out of Yaudah for sneaking in whiskey in a plastic bag, or Nick Aarons being threatened with a Samurai sword for going to the rescue of a fellow African, or Jason O’Donnell singing My way his way, or Michael Clarke attempting to penetrate a fellow teacher on the floor of Romance. Please come. I will pay for your fare, as long as you swim.

Yours, Roy Simpson
Manager and Patron, Pappa Café The Ozzie Way
72 Gay Kangaroo Avenue
Sydney, Australia

Sunday 4 May 2008

On Customs and Import Duty

I flew back from Thailand yesterday, laden with a prize, 3 kg of high quality pork sausages. Pattaya Porkers is the brand name and although expensive in realtive terms, they are first class haram bangers.

Wandering to collect my bag I saw the ominous chalk mark on my case, "Oh no, here we fucking go" were my instant thoughts and - sure enough, I was asked to open the case.

The guys at the X ray machine were OK when they saw the sausages, also accepting the statement that they were "Haram' without any problems.

Trouble came from the corner of my eye, a little brown shirt with a cheesy grin. "Come with me, you have a big problem" - "Here we fucking go" I thought.

After getting told off for not declaring the meat products, telling me that on my declaration form I had lied about the sausages (a criminal offence I may add) he then demanded the Import Duty....

Funny how they all back down when you ask to speak to their commanding officer!

Bastard!

Stranger than Fiction

The things one see's on the Cikampek Toll Road!

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