Thursday 31 January 2008

Of Pain and Beauty

Ladies, need waxed?

Is the undergrowth sprouting or do you just need a trim?

It's a bargain, a Brazillian for 50,000 Rupiah, Bikini Line for 35,000 Rupiah

If yes, I do not recommend this place in Jl. Kemang Raya here unless you have masochistic tendencies...

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I wonder if the owner actually understood the message being sent here!

Wednesday 30 January 2008

Charlatans, Vagabonds and Monkeys

Travel anywhere in Jakarta and you’ll see them. Buskers, Musicians, Violinists, Tambourine players, often just a plastic bottle with a few grains of rice inside, but, one thing they all have in common is they are trying to make some money.

Traffic Lights, Metro Mini buses, trains, you name it they’re on them and presumably, since there cannot be that much free-flow talent around, pissing the poor passengers off with their “noise”.

These guys (and girls) are know locally as Pengumen, however, there are another group of “entertainers” who people actually stop, enjoy and actually pay because their show offers that little bit more.

Topeng Monyet involves a group who play a “modified” Balinese style of music (that’s what it sounds like to me anyway) using home-made instruments. Hub Caps, tin cans, bottle tops, make-shift drums are all “crafted” into their ensemble and they play with an energy that is deserving of the lead performer…A Monkey.

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The monkey is trained (I believe that the Monkey Wrangler probably gets a fair amount of bites, cuts and bruises during this training) to perform tricks, among them praying to allah, marching in a military manner and shooting a small wooden rifle, dying and as a finale, scooting about on a modified bike at a speed that Lewis Hamilton would find difficult to match.

These guys were outside my house last Saturday morning at 8 AM, I was not able to get my Video to capture the whole thing but my small camera did the job… cost for the performance – about US$ 2….

Click the Link for the shitty video!

Topeng Monyet

Tuesday 29 January 2008

Rumble in the Jungle

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The law off the jungle applies in Jakarta these days with the “gangs” acting outside the law and vigilante acts against them taking place.

The gangs comprise members of the same “tribes”, often geographically based who feel the need to settle scores or make their mark within the city with violence being the only means at their disposal to establish their “patch” and “rights”.

What are the police doing about it, um err, not a lot it would seem.

Several “street clashes” (as the Jakarta Post describes them) have broken out within the last year and unsurprisingly there have been fatalities.

Forget LA, San Francisco and the Bronx, the latter day Jets are kicking each others arse all over the city. (Insert finger clicking and James Dean Leather jacket clad gang members here!)

My favourites are the Betawi Brotherhood Forum (FBR) and the Association of Betawi Families who slugged it out over control of a parking area and illegal levies from street vendors in South Jakarta. Two people died and one was severely injured.

Not to be outdone, the islanders in the shape of the Ambonese gangs, namely the Tito and Ongen groups, went at it with each other over debt collecting rights on behalf of a prominent local company. The fight, which was staged outside the company's office in Menteng, Central Jakarta, injured nine people.

Not happy with fighting with themselves, the Betawi’s and the Ambonese raised their sight’s and members of the Betawi Communication Forum fought with the Ambonese over a plot of land in South Jakarta, (note, not suburbia but deep in the heart of the business area) belonging to state oil company PT Pertamina. The police arrested 66 people involved in the brawl, which killed one man.

The police are still seen as being unable to detect the conflict potential in organizations based on ethnicity, or capable of handling the results.

A spokesperson from “Indonesian Police Watch” (presumably a full time job) said: "The police don't have serious intentions about handling thuggery. The existence of corrupt officers backing up thugs to harvest profits is undeniable."

The culprits are arrested, money changes hands, charges are dropped and they are back on the streets in less than 48 hours, offering their own brand of customer service to the residents of Jakarta.

No real surprise then when Pak Public decides “enough is enough” and the vigilante mentality has started with people fighting back. Reports of chicken thieves, bag-snatchers or pickpockets being beaten by residents before being handed over to the authorities are far from unusual in Jakarta.

Now, when I say beaten up, I mean given a fucking good going over! Presumably these fuckwit criminals are only too glad to get handed over because the kicking they got from the police (presumably not as sadistic either) would stop when cash was handed over.

Most people are skeptical about the police, seeing them as arrogant, corrupt and unable to switch from a militaristic approach to a democratic one. There is the “Catch 22”.

The prospect of the police being able to enforce the law with a democratic approach still remains “pie in the sky” because until the public have a positive view of the police, the police won’t change. I think it suits those who prefer taking the law into their own hands, unaware that by following the path they are taking they are becoming Jakarta’s next set off “Thugs”.

Ah, Jakarta, why am I not surprised.

Monday 21 January 2008

Romance in the Tropics

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

From nowhere you appeared and shamelessly, without reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me nearly crazy while you drained me.

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone - I searched for you but to no avail; only the wildly disordered sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears faint marks of your ravishings, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you. . . . .







With a can of Fly Spray - Fucking Mosquito!!!

Shitters and Critters

Are you happy with where you stay?

Accommodation throughout Asia can be either first class or downright shitty. I have, so far been lucky apart from the occasional leak during the tropical rainstorm, lightning strikes which kill all forms off electronic communication and an electrical circuit which does not have an earth and offers the odd “tingle” when touching the metal chassis of my iPod when recharging it.

However, last night, I discovered that there are “shittier” places to stay. After my “ablutions” (read having a crap) I decided to give the bowl a once around with the toilet brush, when much to my horror, I discovered a little gecko swimming in the shitter. It appears he was living inside the brush!

Adopting a “Baywatch” stance, I lowered the brush back into the maelstrom and urged the little critter to grab onto the lifeline. After 15 seconds of high seas terror he finally swam for it and was “brush-lifted” to safety.

Safely back in his accommodation it appeared that he was none the worse for wear apart from the normal missing tail.

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If you ever worry about your accommodation, don’t, I know someone that lives in a far worse place!

Explosive Offers

There has been a lot of talk about Indonesia trying to attract 7 million tourists to its shores this year. This kicked off with, as usual, a badly planned marketing campaign with a shite slogan and various other events along with promises by the government to “clean up the Immigration Department.

An Indonesian trade magazine "Travel Trade Gazette" (TTG) reported that the Indonesian Department of Culture and Tourism is seeking agreement to change current visa regulations to permit visa-free short visits from 10 countries.

If the proposal submitted to the Ministry of Law and Human Rights is successful, the citizens of Australia, China, Japan, South Korea, India, U.K., Germany, France, the Netherlands and Russia would be able to undertake holiday visits without having to purchase either a 7 or 30-day visa at the Indonesian port of entry.

Good News, Hurrah, much throwing of hats and cheering from the galleries!

Needless to say, I was waiting for the fuck-up, and then I found it!

"Other efforts include increasing immigration counters at Soekarno-Hatta Jakarta and Bali airports; encouraging airlines, both domestic and international, to open or increase services to tourist detonations "

Pak Fuckwit from TTG later admitted his speech “went down a bomb!”

Sunday 20 January 2008

The Big Bang in Tangerang (An accident waiting to happen)

In Indonesia, the development of nuclear energy is being considered as an alternative to Coal, Geothermal, Oil and gas fuelled power stations. There is mixed opinion on the subject, but, for me it is simple…

It scares the shit out of me!.

If I were one of the poor individuals who live near to the Research Centre of Science and Technology (known as Puspitek) in Tangerang, I’d be looking for new accommodation quickly.

Puspitek, despite it’s “tame” name houses a nuclear laboratory in which experiments are conducted for industrial and scientific purposes.

Those whom were interviewed by the Jakarta Post a few moths ago stated that they were not concerned about nuclear accidents or research activities inside the centre as they had lived safely in the area for years.

"We know it is a centre for scientific research and development. Those who work for the institute live inside the complex with their families, so I don't see any reason to worry," said one fuckwit. It appears that because the staff live within the complex that this means it is safe for everyone.

The same fuckwit, in the next breath said the only lingering fear residents held was that one day there could be another explosion at the centre.

An explosion occurred at the centre last September when a group of researchers conducted a series of experiments on biodiesel simulation in a laboratory used for the development of nuclear technology.

The explosion damaged 80 percent of the laboratory, causing damage totaling Rp 3.1 billion (approximately US$332,000).

Located 30 kilometres west of Jakarta on a 460-hectare plot of land, Puspitek Serpong employs some 1,500 researchers.

As it is home to many researchers and their families, the centre also has its own water treatment facilities, waste disposal system, sports facilities, mosques and education centres.

A number of Indonesian organisations have apparently made statements to the effect that residents of the area already be contaminated with radioactive waste. One such organisation claimed that hundreds of school students had come into contact with heavy metal and sulphur. Given the industries around this area and the fact that the pollution is so great, it is likely that these chemicals could have come from anywhere.

In true Indonesian form a series of blood tests carried out by the National Atomic Energy Agency (Batan, The agency is a subsidiary of the centrer in charge of nuclear studies.) uncovered no irregularities. But then again, they would probably never find anything anyway, strange though, as stated above, traces of pollutants should have been found due to the state of the environment.

Separately, a Tangerang Health Agency official said his team monitored pollution levels around the research centre each September.

They conducted a series of blood tests and found that the blood of students who lived far from the centre contained higher amounts of lead than students who lived inside the centre.

The Head of Batan (presumably a Dr Fuckwit) has claimed that the centre guaranteed the safety of its projects by adhering to nuclear quality assurance standards as well as the International Atomic Energy Agency's infrastructure standards.

In my mind, if they can blow up Biodiesel, what do you think they could do with plutonium?

Nuclear Energy in Indonesia is a completely different subject, I think I may just take a look into the prospects of Reactors within the Ring of Fire later…doesn’t bear thinking about just now.

Saturday 19 January 2008

Busy doing Nothing!

Don’t ask me why, but, whenever something needs to be done urgently there are usually a good number of reasons why inaction took its course.

My favourite is the classic “Lupa”. Literally this means I forgot. Even with nothing else on the schedule, one single task to be accomplished in the whole day, “I forgot” is still given as a reasonable answer to any questions. Lupa is regarded as a suitably acceptable reason for inactivity and spells trouble for any manager who wishes to confront an employee on this answer.

Sickness comes a close second. In all fairness, it is very easy to get sick in Indonesia. Employers within the country are obliged to cover family medical expenses which could be financially crippling to the individual dependant on the degree of malaise.

My all time favourite on the medical report was when, within a company I know an employee did not make it to work and a critically important task was not completed.

The said fellow arrived the next day with a medical certificate citing cause of illness as being what I can only presume is a disease called “Octopus”. To this day I have not met anyone who can verify the existence of this condition. Privately, it can be assumed that he plain forgot to come to work! (See paragraph two for reference).

“We’ve never done things this way” is another good excuse. With the introduction of western work practices, including an emphasis on safety and the environment, there is always the option to claim ignorance of work procedures to ensure an allotted task is left by the wayside. The raising of the technical barrier within the workplace merely ensures that there are more things which just do not get done.

“In progress” is another way of saying “I haven’t started this task yet”. When asked for confirmation of the status on any given assignment, be very worried with the expression “In progress” is the response. This also is indicative of a task that the employee does not wish to tackle due to its seeming complexity.

Getting things accomplished with all of the above factors invariably means there will be a delay! Indonesia even has a way around this issue.

Liquidated Damages on any contract is the mechanism whereby Indonesia understands that nothing will happen when it is supposed to happen. Accordingly, when you submit a tender stating that you can deliver the goods or services within two weeks and it is known that it will take ten weeks, build the penalties into the cost of the contract and you don’t loose anything. Dead easy to make a profit, no loss and no-one ever raises an eyebrow on the subject.

Only in Indonesia……….

World Travellers

World Traveller, seen it all - my arse.. Singapore Changi Airport opens a window of opportunity for the weary traveller to endure the truly unique Singaporean experience.

Changi Airport is an equal opportunity employer, especially for night staff at the airport when all of the mutants and cretins they are scared to show during the day appear to wreck mayhem on the terminals in an exercise supposed to be clearing up for tomorrow.

Old people control the night at Changi Airport Terminal 1. It seems that the Singaporeans cannot have these guys running around Terminal 2 (it would spoil Singapore Airlines high profile) so the mutants are sent to work on the other terminal……It’s a bit sad really watching the older generation attempt to clean up, while in the process making more mess than originally existed.

While it is understood that everyone needs to work, Singapore has taken this right to new extremes with the exploitation of this aging workforce.

However, the delights do not end there, wait till you visit the toilets. Most people are aware that Singaporean Law makes it an offence if you do not flush the toilet after use. In true Singapore style, rather than have the errant tourist break the law, automatic toilets have been installed to ensure that one does not breach the law of the island. Sit on one of these high tech crappers for more than 45 seconds and the bastard automatically tries to send an enema (Singaporean style) right up you. If you are having a dose of the Singapore Squirts be prepared to have your nether regions washed automatically every 45 seconds, (The guy next door to me was in apparent ecstasy, fucking pervert.)

Forget the Duty Free Shop, ignore the Restaurants’, keep away from the Cinema and the Fitness Centre, sit around, watch the world go by and visit the toilets for that truly unique Changi experience.

Friday 18 January 2008

Public Service Announcement

Much as I enjoy the occassional beer, it is the total lack of Cider in jakarta that pisses me right off.

It has probably been good for my health not to have indulged in consuming superhuman quantities of this particular amber nectar, but every now and then I get the hankering for the tart electric soup known as Cider.

Searching away, I found this little gem and am heading off as we speak to buy the apples after the success of my first batch. (Which I may add was consumed by myself with no-one else even being aware that I had any)

So, here it is, DIY Electric Soup.

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Ingredients

3 lb frozen cooking apples
6 Quarts of water ( about 12 pints)
2 lb granulated sugar
r 3 juicy lemons
1 oz bruised ginger (optional)
Method

Freeze the apples for three days in closed plastic bags in the freezer.

Wipe the defrosted apples, cut into pieces and put through the mincer together with the peel and core.

Place in a fermenting bin and pour on the fresh cold water.

Leave for 7 days, stirring well night and morning.

Strain the liquor carefully through muslin. Mix it with the sugar, grated lemon rind and strained lemon juice. Leave for 24 hours.

Strain and bottle in screw topped bottles.

Bruised ginger may be added if wished with the lemon - but beware adding too much or it will taste like Ginger Beer. (This is an ace option, great with Vodka)

This cider will be fit to drink in a week, but it improves if kept a few months. My first bottle was popped in a week, the Ginger Beer ones lasted 8 weeks and tasted a lot better.

Painkillers anyone!

Thursday 17 January 2008

Teacher, Teach Thyself

Given the plethora of institutions claiming to teach the English language in Jakarta it surprised me that one of the foremost schools (English First) decided to use their "EF" logo in what can only be described as ludicrous sloganry!

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Their website claims

"Our General English curriculum presently consists of 17 levels. We provide the students with a solid base in the structure of the English language as well as a genuine opportunity to speak. This involves extensive use of communicative methodology to reinforce and complement various grammatical and structural points throughout the syllabus."

Thankfully Ihave no need of their services as, I speaks gooder English than these fuckwits.

Monday 14 January 2008

The Paranormal Hotel

You may have noticed on the Links I have listed at the left hand side that I have included a link to the "Paranormal Hotel".

I lived in Dubai for almost 18 years and was reluctant to leave, however, Jakarta suits me now.

Dubai, for the most was pleasant but expensive and if you were lucky, you got an apartment with a good view...

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There was a mixture of shopping both old and new, the Souk was always one off my favourites ....

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But for me, it was the Pub. The Panorama Hotel had a bar called Jockey's, beer was reasonably cheap but it was essentailly a knocking shop. The Paranormal Hotel website is a tribute to this bar and I found some old photo's which sort off describe how bad it was...

First there was the Birthday cake in the Shape of a Chinese Hookers arse!

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Pictures removed as someone complained! They were however typical of earlier days in the Paranormal!

An Eye in the Sky and Surfers

In order to alieviate the growing traffic problem in Jakarta, Police consulted Singaporean Traffic Authorities with a view to installing an "Eye in the Sky" system to provide real time information on traffic conditions.

Singapores Hi-Tech solution may have done exactly what was required but the price tag was just too high for Jakarta.

The new cut price version was unveiled over Pancoran today!

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The Pancoran Cat did however detect other activities which until recently had not been known about the Statue who has serenely overlooks this busy intersection.

Surfing

Ex President Suharto at deaths door!

I really do not think many have a good word to say about Indonesia's original Pak 10% but there was a rather amusing article in one of the more religious Indonesian Newspapers about Suharto's immininet demise!a

Even the Hookers are Praying for him!


The Koran Tempo daily reported Monday that hundreds of sex workers had held prayers for Suharto at a red light district in East Java.

"In the time of Suharto's leadership, our complex was really safe," a long-time security guard of the Taman Wanita Harapan Gude (Garden for the Women of Hope) complex, identified as Suwandi Fuckwit, told the daily.

"At that time, there were no officials, soldiers or whatever groups who levied illegal levies here," Suwandi sighed.

(Obviously remembering the "Minge Benefits and the Special Cigarettes " he recieved under Suharto!)

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A Tale off Traffic, Fuckwit's and Death!

As stated in the Jakarta Post “Negligence on the part of motorists and the poor condition of roads contributed to a large increase in the number of traffic accidents in Greater Jakarta last year.“

Verily, I say unto thee – BULLSHIT!

Overall in Jakarta, there was an increase in traffic accidents of 40 percent over the year 2007 as compared to 2006.

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Statistics were broken down and 754 accidents were reported in East Jakarta, which was exactly the same number of accidents reported in the area the previous year. Presumably this was because they were keeping an accurate score and that the roads were invariably flooded there anyway.

In North Jakarta, traffic accidents increased by almost 120 percent in 2007, with some 701 accidents reported.

The number of accidents in South Jakarta in 2007 increased by 67 percent to 640.
The total number of accidents in 2007 was given as 4,466. Doing the maths I would say it is safe to say that West Jakarta is a place to stay away from.

"Most of the accidents involved motorcycles," a Road Traffic official First. Corporal General Major Fuckwit was quoted as saying. "The main factor contributing to the huge number of traffic accidents in Jakarta is the negligence of motorists," he added.

No Shit!

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Separately, Fransiscus Monkus Fuckwit, the head of transportation studies (cannot be a busy department) at Fuckwit University, said most motorcycle accidents occurred because riders were unskilled. He said research showed that more than 50 percent of accident victims did not have driving licenses. The other 50% had the convenient 20,000 Rupiah License which is valid until the next shakedown and never needs renewed.

In other statistics from the diligent zombies at Fuckwit University, the poor condition of several roads around the city also contributed to the increasing number of accidents in 2007. Did the roads get worse? I never noticed, I thought they were a hellfull abomination to start off with, potholes only serve to improve conditions in my opinion.

To prevent motorcycle accidents, it was suggested that the police should carry out more raids on motorcycle riders to check their licenses and other documents. Sage advice, but pray tell, where are you going to get a Jakarta Cop to flag down anyone off the hundreds of motorbikes weaving around in each lane to check their presumably non existent papers.

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Pak Moncus Fuckwit also suggested that "Police should also enforce regulations that oblige motorcyclists to stay on the left side of the street," adding that the city administration should provide special lanes for motorcyclists. There was me thinking that was that the busway’s were for. How silly off me!

Police data shows that there were 508 deaths and 2,810 injuries recorded in total during 2007. Anywhere else in the world that would be subject to a “State of Emergency” with Presidential powers moving concertedly to supply aid and shore up the embankments. Sadly, here, it’s a kind off “ho-hum, not bad statistically given the 15 million plus who live here”.

In addition, the Traffic Management Center received more than 700,000 reports and questions covering 16 categories. These included accidents, traffic regulation violations, traffic congestion, driving licenses, vehicle ownership documents, vehicle tax, lost vehicles, vehicle identity queries, gambling, drugs, thuggery, (wtf) bomb threats, criticism, advice and compliments.

Gambling, Drugs and Thuggery, even more reason for the cops to let things be. We don’t want them doing anything dangerous to keep us safe, better they stick to their normal roadside shakedowns and let the killing spree continue as before.

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Such is life (and death) in Jakarta!