Wednesday 30 April 2008

Airports again

Been up to the proverbial testicles in it all week. Once again sitting at the departure area, Bintang at 11:00 am cannot be healthy (But who cares)

Off to Bangkok for two days (what a shame), only thing is this time I'll try to post.......

Sunday 27 April 2008

Made me laugh

An aquaintance of mine who I have mentioned before writes a weekly column for the Jakarta Post, but, also posts the column on his Blog "Metromad" which I hav listed on the left hand side.

This weeks offering was particulary amusing as it was based on the use of English within a Tourist Brochure...enjoy!

This weeks Metromad


Note, if you are reading this after the 4th of May 2008, scroll back to April 27th 2008.

My personal favourite was "Chinese like more traditional patterns on their ring."

Saturday 26 April 2008

More Indonesian businesses shun bribery, graft watchdog says

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That was the headline for an article in the Jakarta Post suggesting that corruption was on a downturn here with more domestic and foreign businesses having opted to operate without bribery in Indonesia.

The bottom line is that the Foreign Corrupt Practices Act in both the UK and the USA expressly prohibit companies from indulging in the old “Brown Paper Bag” routine, with jail sentences and corporate fines being part and parcel of the punishments meted out.

"Even if you win a deal by paying someone off, the company's reputation suffers, and you risk losing your job or possibly worse. Hence, the cost becomes very expensive. It's just bad business," Trace International president Alexandra Wrage told The Jakarta Post in an interview here recently.

She said companies willing to bribe officials were a small minority compared to clean firms.

"Companies are afraid because their executives are going to prison in the U.S. and other countries. An executive sitting in America, for instance, can go to jail because an employee in Indonesia screws up," Wrage said.

This may be the case in the business environment but, whoop de fucking doo!

I want to ask Ms Wrage how she goes about getting things done without the extra payments. If her power goes down and the PLN Electrical guys arrive to repair the problem does she pay the “Call Out” fee.

If she gets stopped by a cop for a traffic offence does she pay the “Spot Fine” or does she let them take her license to the station to be claimed a few days later after lengthy negotiations. (And a possible greater fine)

The list of “bribes” that are paid on an almost weekly basis is overwhelming, want your paperwork processed faster, the quick jump to the top of the queue, Cable TV installed yesterday, rubbish collected……you got it, we pay out!

Truth is that the corruption we experience most is of a low level variety, deep rooted in the fact that as the wages are so low the employee’s seek any avenue for supplements.

So my dear, keep up the good work, but please refrain from forcing horseshit down my throat about “the end of corruption is nigh”.

Remember where you live and take a good look around you!

The Chinese got it right

Forgot to post this one...

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I am not going to argue with them either.

Jakarta Airpot Security

Can be disturbing.......

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Making it obvious...

The Sumatran Way!

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Parents can be such bastards

Look what this poor fucker has to put up with every day of his life

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What's in a name anyway!

Upsize this.....

Despite being a normally reserved society, Indonesia has some surprises up her sleeve!

Notably, the mysterious Mak Erot, a woman with some very specific skills. Although she does not look it, she has the power to make dicks get bigger, but, in a rather different method from usual.

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This legendary lengthener of male members solves self-image problems of Indonesian men with penises and prayer mats.

It is thought that Mak Erot died a while ago, yet, her powers extend beyond the grave giving those less endowed hope of one day achieving the “Big Boy” look.

The craggy, betel nut-chewing woman with a distinctive brown birthmark on her cheek has spawned legions of imitators, while her legitimate heirs are keen to keep up the facade that she's alive lest business die with her.

And it is still big business, the local newspapers (not the English speaking ones I may add) are with packed with ads for "penile paranormals” all claiming to have been trained by Mak Erot.

According to the Kompas daily, Mak Erot passed on her "science" to her five children and sixteen grandchildren who account for her 21 true heirs, a select order of masters of male enhancement.

There has been a consultation with one of her practitioners described in the press as an encounter with the arcane. Sitting in semi-(pardon the pun) darkness, the patient is asked to detail his wishes with the visual aid of a selection of carved wooden phalluses. ( I read that as “Pick a size, any size”, simple yet effective!)

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Afterwards, the diagnosis and the promises. On this occasion the “Dick Doctor” intones that the client's appendage is "fairly average," and offers to conjour up a six-centimetre (2.3-inch) extension.

The prescription for such whopping growth is a 10-day course of eating and drinking mystery concoctions and secret potions, with the first dose of bitter berries to be taken immediately, washed down with dark brown liquid.

An assistant then brings a phallus-shaped bamboo tube containing a roll of sticky coconut rice that has to be swallowed whole to avoid what is described ominously as "terrible genital consequences".

The consultation ends with a vegetable oil that the client must promise to apply daily with a specific hand action from base to tip. (I read that as “having a wank” And err, no eating green bananas or citronella.

The daily cost for treatment is between 700,000 and one million rupees (70-100 dollars), depending on the options selected.

So there you have it, a dick extension in 10 days which costs US$1,000. It’s a lot of money for an Indonesian, but, it seems there are many willing to pay the price.

I can only see one problem if it catches on in Papua, the natives will need to “Upsize”

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I sense a marketing opportunity on the horizon!

Friday 25 April 2008

Teaching Kids to like Cops

This one from the Jakarta Post concerned me slightly

A patrol officer gives two kindergartners a lift on his motorcycle as a policewoman and other students look on. Dozen of students from Supriyadi kindergarten in Semarang visited police headquarters on Thursday.

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What worrried me about this photo was the lack of safety being displayed with the children on the bike without protection

Wednesday 23 April 2008

Not really posting, supposed to be at work!

And I'm in Sarawak, a Malaysian province on the island once known as Borneo.

The town I'm in is called Miri, arrived last night and discovered that there are more critters here than I've ever seen in Jakarta...yet, despite that, the place is really quite neat!

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Ah, the joys of international travel, better still, lunch on the beach, does not get much better than this!

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Tuesday 22 April 2008

Jakarta Highland Gathering

Sadly my hype below on this event was mis-placed. The organising commitee have deferred the event until later in the year due to a number off isssues.

Looks like the annual Porridge fest will be deferred until October...

Bugger, looks like I will have to find something else to do on the 1st of June.

Any ideas?

Sunday 20 April 2008

Blocked Websites

The Indonesian Government in it's knee jerk reaction to the Dutch Islamaphobic movie Fitna blocked Youtube and other filesharing sites, which after one of the quickest "U" turns in history unblocked very smartish.

Things did not end there, it appears that Telkom have blocked sites with "blogspot.com" adresses and although there has been no official statement made it is clear that, if it was "necessary" the voice from the bloggers in Indonesia can be shushed very quickly.

Accordingly, I have started a domain where this blog can be accessed as a link as well as a vehicle for other stuff and nonsenses that I occasionally perpetrate.

It is linked on the left hand column as Views from the East, but can be accessed from http://www.dilligafasia.com

Be kind to me, HTML is a bugger and I only started populating the site on Sunday........ meanwhile, Malaysia this week, Miri to be precise, never been to Sarawak so it will make a nice change.

Monday 14 April 2008

Bugger me blind

Finally, Jakarta's airport has broken free and entered the 21st Century, JJ Royal Cafe now has free internet. Bintang, cigarettes and wi-fi, makes waiting for a plane almost bearable now.

Off to Singapore for the rest of the week, may post, may not, depends on workloads.

Sunday 13 April 2008

The Jakarta Highland Gathering

Shamless advert to let everyone know that in about six weeks time it's time for the 31st Jakarta Highland Gathering (Plug - Plug - Plug) Having been involved in this event in the past I know it's better to start advertising whats going on early so people can mark it in thweir diaries.

"Lets have a Gathering"

Thirty something years ago (1974 I would imagine) someone must have said that or words to that effect and thus was born an annual event which people from throughout South East Asia have been attending since.
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There’s something about the snare drums and the drone of the pipes starting up that makes the hairs on the back of ones neck stand up, a gulp of fresh air, almost remembering the first time they were heard as a child back home.
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But, it’s not only the Scots who feel this way, Indonesians, Singaporeans, Malays, Hong Kongers, Ozzies, Kiwi’s, you name the country and they are all present, all indulging in one of the best events that Jakarta has to offer.
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With events commencing a few days earlier, the Gathering becomes a meeting place for old cronies, competitors and musicians over a four day period.
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Golf on the Thursday, the magnificent Scotland in Concert on the Friday evening, pipers playing throughout Jakarta on the Saturday and when Sunday rolls around, the main event of the Gathering rumbles into being.
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Name your pleasure and it is almost certain to be catered for, football, rugby, golf, fireworks, tug of war, bouncy castles, helicopter rides, Indonesian dance, Scottish dance, burgers, pizza, steak, seafood, beer, fizzy drinks, woodchoppers, caber tossers, pipe bands, rock bands, marching bands, Harley Davidson’s, kites, parachutes, men wearing dresses, the list is endless.
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The first time I attended three years ago it rained so heavily that I was convinced my stay would be a short one, but that was not the case. It really is a day out for the whole family, no matter where you come from.
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The highlight for many are the heavies, meek as lambs when you meet them but gladiators when performing, try lifting the hammer never mind throwing it and you will get an idea of the power these “man monsters” are capable of.
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But, if that is not your cup of Bintang, the other areas have the piping competitions, dance competitions, greasy pole competitions, and what appeared to me to be eating competitions within the concession area with everything imaginable on sale.
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From early in the day until sunset, its non-stop, the sporting events, Balinese dancers, Fussball addicts, Papuan dancers, Celtic rock bands, Irish dancers, massed Pipe Bands, Batavian dancers, cuddly Bikers, Lion dancers, all move inexorably towards the finale.
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Describing the sight of one hundred pipers and drummers together as a massed pipe band, choreographed to perfection and filling the arena with the sound of Scotland cannot be adequately accomplished on paper. As the last pipe drones into silence, dusk settling over the island on the Lippo Karawaci Golf Course, the last surprises of the day unfolds with the burning of a Viking Boat and the stunning fireworks display.
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Never been, you should feel ashamed of yourself, you have missed out on the best day out in the year. Help however is at hand, you can ease your conscience by coming to Lippo Karawaci on Sunday the 1st of June this year and join in.
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A word of warning, it becomes addictive and unfortunately you have to wait for another year to feed that itch, but, on the plus side, it really is something to look forward to and mark in your calendar.
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When was the last time the hairs on the back of your neck stood up? Be there on the 1st of June to be reminded.

Thanks to Jim Shon and various others for photographs.

Of Monkeys and Mysticism

The Indonesian Broadcasting Commission has banned advertisements of private wireless telecommunications provider XL and supernatural consultant Ki Joko Bodo from television.

Commission chairman Sasa Djuarsa Sendjaja said a commission plenary meeting on Thursday unanimously agreed the two ads were dehumanizing and offended religious norms.

The XL ads show a man who is married to a monkey and swears to take a goat as his second wife if he can find a cheap cellular phone rate. In his advertisements, Joko says he can help turn ailing businesses into profitable enterprises.

Brilliant, bestiality live on TV and Jakarta’s Paul Daniels are getting the “we like that, but not a lot” treatment.

Anyone know a link to where I could watch the adverts on Youtube..(If it has been unbanned)

Thursday 10 April 2008

Monorail Delays

From yesterdays Jakarta Post...

I am still scratching my head over this one, how did they do it?


Four monorail pillars on Jl. Pejompongan in Central Jakarta have mysteriously disappeared during the past week.

The pillars had been left unused because of ongoing delays to the city's monorail project.

Director of monorail developer PT Jakarta Monorail (JM), Sukmawaty Syukur, said Wednesday she did not know what had happened to the missing pillars.

"I have already asked officials at (city-owned construction firm) PT Adhi Karya and the city administration if they had dismantled the four missing pillars. They said none of them had," she told The Jakarta Post.

"The most likely explanation is someone dismantled the pillars to steal the steel rods inside the concrete."

(Dismantled...see below for an archive photo of the pillars)

She said JM had not tended to the pillars in the area since the sporadic project was suspended. (Read doomed to ailure)

Deputy Governor Prijanto said the project was not the administration's responsibility and any theft would be a matter for police.

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I can just see the police report now.....emm, err, Fuckit!

Me thinks they doth protest too much!

Once again, Indonesia excels at something which perhaps they, em err, should not.

The much debated film FITNA which there has been a bit of a hullaballoo about is apparently being "researched" more by Indonesians than any other country in the world!

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The Indonesian lead comes despite the fact that the country’s information minister, Mohammad Nuh, recently ordered Internet providers to ban access to popular sites like YouTube and MySpace in order to prevent Indonesians from accessing a Dutch anti-Islam film. In addition, as I mentioned earier, movs are afoot to filter pronography....

The results for the Google Trends are here

Hypocrites

Ironically, "youporn" and "redtube" both with content of a highly dubious nature are both "unblocked" here...

Got to love it!

You know who you are!

In response to a recent request!

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Indonesia - An explanation

I was recently asked by a friend in Scotland what Indonesia was really like. Apparently her computer at work prevents her from logging in because of the expletives being filtered, but, rather than pointing out the shortcomings I sent this off, trying to explain some off the little things!


What does one say about Indonesia that has not been said many times over.

When I first arrived over three years ago it took a bit of understanding to comprehend the vastness of the archipelago.

The country is huge, from the tip off Bander Ache to the most easterly point of Irian Jaya is equivalent to the distance from London to Teheran, something that the maps do not truly convey.

In between these two boundaries, the wealth of diversity once again lies beyond belief. Not only do nature’s splendours take ones breath away, the peoples from Batak to Dayak and more ensure that there is no such thing as a typical “stereotype” that can be applied to its inhabitants.

However, as visitors there are many aspects to living here which confuse, astound and amuse.

It takes time to understand and accept what is taken for granted by Indonesians and we must never forget that we are merely guests, living for short periods of time in one off the most interesting countries in the region!

Take the language, Language here is fraught with pitfalls, being a mis-match of over a hundred languages, welded together recently to create Bahasa Indonesian.

This is a nation where one needs to learn at least a smattering of the local tongue, but also, we should ensure that we are tolerant on the occasions where we interface in English on a day to day basis.

Recently, as is my want, I entered a watering hole in Kemang and ordered a Bintang.

Smiling, the charming young lady with excellent English asked me if I wanted “Draught or Bottle”

“Draught” I replied.

“Would you like a glass with that” was the response!

I was understandably stuck for words and there are many other examples but we are not here for language lessons.

The weather, so dissimilar to our native country has a profound effect on daily lives here!

The rainy season started early last year with moderate daily showers increasing on a weekly basis until they became humongous downpours every day. Many parts of Jakarta are in low lying areas and consequently, when combined with a total lack of drainage the rainy season makes for an unpleasant number of months for the denizens of these areas. It has been said that many of these residents have adapted to the bi-annual semi aquatic environment, however I have yet to see any evidence of webbed feet and gill adaptations on their necks.

In all honesty, I like storms, the ferociousness and power of the Indonesian rainy season fills me with awe and I am often humbled by the raw power. Having said that, I’d much rather be in my car than walking during one of the downpours.

Like all things here, it takes time to become accustomed to the idiosyncrasies of life in Indonesia! But there are many things we take for granted in a very short time, all of which are so different from home.

Indonesia's official unemployment rate hovers at around 10 percent but anyone who has lived in this country for any length of time will scarcely find this a credible figure. So many people seem to turn their hand at any form of informal occupation they can find in order to sustain a hand-to-mouth existence. Here the ingenuity and perseverance of the nation is displayed on a daily basis and I greatly admire their fortitude.

My favorite job-non-job would have to be the parkir fellows on the street whose smart uniforms, loud whistles and smiling demeanor help distract from the utter tediousness of their occupation.

God bless every one of them. Without these guys' ceaseless kiri , kanan and terus I would have no doubt have had my car scratched, dented and possibly written off.

Satpams, Pembantu’s musicians on buses, tailors on bicycles, you soon get used to it!

How do you know you have settled in, become acclimatised, well that’s a tough one!
...if the one and ONLY bottle of medicine you have at home cures every single illness known to man.
...if you can use two 100-Rupiah coins as tweezers.

...if you can eat any dish consisting of 50% Sambal without heart failure.

...if your only morning alarm clock is the regular 4:30am mosquito attack.

Then I would say that you are nearly reaching an understanding of Indonesia.

Finally, you have settled in when strange things happen and you accept them, however there are moments when you still raise an eyebrow. Without these moments Indonesia would not be Indonesia.

In essence, Indonesians have an astoundingly high tolerance for the day to day problems and are able to do things for hours that would send us into dotage.

They painstakingly tend rice fields. They carry heavy loads for hours up mountains, repeating the trip many times a week. They have to contend with a land in which natural disasters are commonplace and they understand life in what I consider to be a deeper level than perhaps we do!

This is an important thing to remember when trying to comprehend a culture that is, effectively, so different that most westerners may never really understand it.

I like this country, it is alive, vibrant and offers new experiences every day.
After all, things are not all bad when you consider winters back home!

Monday 7 April 2008

On IT staff and mental warfare

I finally managed to get this done on our IT guys computer yesterday, poor fucker was flumoxed and clearly could not get to the problem. After 30 minutes I fessed up and he was strangely silent for the rest of the day!


1. Take a screen shot of your target's computer. (Windows key + Print Screen)
2. Paste the screen shot into the Windows Paintbrush program, and save it as a jpg file.
3. Set this picture as the desktop wallpaper.
4. Close or Minimize ALL windows.
5. Grab the task bar at the bottom and move it to the top or the side. Also change the properties of it so that it auto hides.
6. Hide all desktop icons."

I spent the rest of the day playing my favourite game without interuption
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Work, Work and more effing Work

Off to Bangkok tomorrow for a few days, business I may add, Singapore for four days next week.....Bugger!

I will try to see if I can find any idiocy over there to give Jakarta a break!

Another one bites the dust!

Chuck Heston aside, a friend of mine also died yesterday, a Kiwi named Wayne Eglinton. Unfortunately he died from electrocution while attempting to repair his pools water pump.

I have no idea what could have gone wrong, but I do know he will be missed by many.

There was a wake at Club Azure this evening but, I was caught up in work and am typing this at 19:00 hrs in my car on the way back from work.

I never ever got the chance to tell him about the dodgy No1 Wood in the set of golf clubs I bought from him, I think it may be better to let the matter rest,

RIP Wayne

Another WTF Week in Jakarta

The past week has been a mixture of the usual Indonesian bullshit, highlights include new Internet Censorship Laws, complaints against Islamophobic films made by a Dutch MP and Chastity Belts for massage parlour workers. It surprises me that the people have time for these things as I thought they were all too busy corrupting and thieving.

As always, Indonesia gets it all fucked up, an ex military thug who was sentenced to a substantial amount of porridge for his part in the East Timor massacres gets all charges against him dropped while a genuine activist from Ambon gets sentenced to twenty years inside for waving a flag and dancing in front of the President. I must be immune to this topsy turvey fuckwittery as I no longer bat an eyelid when I read the news.

Despite all the concerns for the spiritual and mental health of the people, some ladies have thrown caution to the wind, unhooked their Bra’s and placed them on public display.

OK, this exhibition is taking place at the French Consulate/Cultural Centre (a place where nobody goes because they do not know it exists) in Surabaya, East Java; but , the kicker is that the said brassieres have been decorated and adorned with messages and knick knacks to symbolise, umm, err, I’m not quite sure really.

The exhibition is called “BRAngerous - Woman Art Exhibition“.

Great Stuff - Bra hand
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Bra Love Milk
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And more in a similar vein.....

I await with baited breath for the next awe inspiring artistic caper, possibly with a member of Parliament waving a flag and dancing while his wife strips on a chrome pole, watched by a group of TNI Thugs on a stag night, all armed with Skeleton keys for the chastity belts with “Debbie does Denpasar” showing on the big screen.

Oh yes, and Charlton Heston died, thanks for the gun Chuck.

Sunday 6 April 2008

DIY Metro Mad

One of the better things about being online is the fact that you meet a good number of kindred spirits, amny of whom share the same sense of humour. Among them is the writer of the

Metro Mad

column in the Jakarta Post Sunday edition. Simon is a "good egg" but I think he may be out of work shortly.

Two other acquaintances (Kuku & Ken) whose locations must remain top secret collaborated on a DIY Metro Mad which was aimed at giving Simon a bit more free time to indulge in "Wine Women and Song"

In true Dilligaf style I have stolen the code and proudly present:

Do-It-Yourself Metro Mad Column



Hello readers, this week's Metro Mad tackles the subject of .

Recently, one of my invited me to .


Upon arrival, we saw shouting and equipped with .


Their action, which follows , could and affect .


Regular readers of will know .


Well, that's all for now folks, I'm off to .

Thursday 3 April 2008

Corruption - We're simply (almost) the best!

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It was recently reported that the findings of an integrity survey conducted by the Corruption Eradication Commission (KPK) in 30 public institutions and state companies between last August and October in Jakarta simply showed that Indonesia once again rises to the top of the turd heap with the government as one of the most corrupt in the world.

Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) last year ranked the Indonesian government 143rd out of 179 countries surveyed for its annual Corruption Perception Index with a score of 2.3 on a scale of one to 10, even lower than Vanuatu, Pakistan and the Philippines.

I am anxious to know who the other 36 countries are who got “better” scores.

The facts are amusing nonetheless, the survey ranked the civil service with the highest integrity, but it scored only 6.51 on a scale of zero to 10, while the worst institutions were the justice and human rights ministry with 4.15 and the land transportation administration (road worthiness certification) with 3.45.

No big surprises there methinks.

The KPK integrity index further confirmed the findings of similar surveys conducted by other national institutions such as the Economic and Social Research Institute of the University of Indonesia which ranked the National Police, customs service, tax office, justice sector (court) as the most corrupt public institutions.

The KPK survey, discovered that the majority of the 3,611 respondents considered rewards for public officials acceptable, and that 20 percent of them admitted offering tips, gifts and rewards, with the highest reward by a respondent recorded at Rp 150 million (US$16,500)

A case in point, (maybe I should not be printing this) is that of an Expat who foolishly indulged in a narcotics “game” and, through a Keystone Cop-like comedy of errors got busted. This stupid bastard, knowing the risks decided to choose Class A drugs to have brought into the country, only to have the couriers stopped at the airport along with his name and address as the "deliver too" instructions.

Banged up, facing the death penalty and no doubt feeling contrite, the gentleman in question did as any other in his situation would – negotiate!

Word is that he will do a two year spell of incarceration, the cost of which is an astonishingly light 10 million rupiah (US$ 1,100) and the promise of a job in the Oil Industry to the officer in charge of the “fixing”. I don’t see a problem with the money but I don’t see how the Oil job can be “pulled off”

Hurrah for Indonesia, don’t let the side down, you have a reputation to maintain!