Saturday 18 March 2006

Take a look! Monkeys used to live here! Sumatran Ecology at its best....

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Always wanted to visit Wales!

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It started in Afghanistan, coming soon to Indonesia. This is what will happen when the Porn Bill becomes Law.

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I think this fuckwit is trying to say something!

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Scientists in Jakarta discover how Bird Flu is being transmitted!

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Some parts of Sumatra remain Virgin Rainforest

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Given the choice between being poisoned in the forest (see post below) and getting a job as a Caddy, Nellie knew the better of the two options!

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Fun for all the Family, bath time on the River Siak, north of Pekanbaru, Sumatra

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Everyone knows how bad the pollution is in Jakarta, however, Pekanbaru Sumatra is catching up due to the smoke from the forest fires!

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Turd Degree Robbery

Brilliant

The latest news from the Jakarta Post

"Excuse us madam, we're going to take your belongings," a robber informed his victim after gagging her and binding her hands and feet with her own silk shawl.

The 72-year-old woman was sleeping when five men entered her house on Jl. Kebagusan, South Jakarta, Thursday morning. They made off with Rp 50 million in cash, (about US$ 5,000) jewelry, and two of her family's cars.

A blue handkerchief was placed under a tree right next to a pile of fresh human excrement -- the robbers' trademarks. (Told you this was a good one)

Just two months ago in Jagakarsa, South Jakarta, robbers tied up their victim, politely asked for their car keys, and left behind them a blue handkerchief and a pile of excrement. (Same old shit)
The victim said the robbers struck at 1 a.m. when everyone was asleep. She also said noises from the yard disturbed her sleep. (presumably the crooks coiling one down)

She went to investigate, running into five men in her house. They threatened to hurt her if she screamed.

The victim further said the robbers were gone in less than 30 minutes. (Was that one turd or five?)

She said the robbers took off on three motorcycles, taking two of off her cars (does she have more than two?)

Here is the best bit!.

"We are looking for clues to substantiate the theory the two robberies were the work of the same gang," said the Pasar Minggu Police Chief Adj. Comr. Heru Purnowo.

Very much a case of “No shit Sherlock”.

Ranting & Raving in Sumatra

Flying high above Sumatra from Jakarta, all looks good. Far below are dense forests, seemingly green, blue sky above yet, below there is a hint of haze down below. This is no tropical mist, this is the real and ever present smoke from illegal land reclamation, illegal logging and in general, corruption and carelessness by individuals who wish to line their pockets in the short term, rather than think about the legacy of this country for their children.

Hotspots abound, and these are not of the wi-fi kind. These are burning areas of land where the ground itself smoulders, often unattended for months, slowly and pervasively destroying all in its path, displacing the older inhabitants of this area, the irreplaceable wildlife, often forcing them into direct conflict with the originator of this problem – men.

Truth is Sumatra has two precious sources of wealth, Oil & Wood, both are running out, however, in a perverse way, the exploitation of Oil has not been as bad as the exploitation of the raw jungle.

All over the world, greenies claim the oil industry shows no care for the environment, raping and pillaging for the returns available from those reservoirs dotted around the globe.

In Sumatra, that may have been the case many years ago, however, Oil companies have stepped forward and are assuming a mantle of protector and, to an extent caring landlord on their concessions with major attempts having been made to help the land recover from the earlier invasions made when the wells in the area were first drilled.

Firstly, the jungle may return if left unbothered, you only need a little bit of jungle to allow this re-entry, the jungle will and does crawl back.

Secondly, only clear the minimum area required for the business at hand. Any more is a waste.

Thirdly, after what work you need done is finished, tidy up. Don’t leave your shit lying around and keep these nasty chemicals to a minimum.

Le Voila, ecologically friendly oil (well sort of)

On the other hand, become a logger, supplying the myriad of paper mills, pulp processors and home grown cottage wood working industries. Slash, cut, burn annihilate, destroy and don’t replant.

Many a quick fortune has been made in Sumatra, however after the logging and no replanting the question was asked what should be done with the empty land. The great idea was “let’s grow Palms for Palm Oil to supply the palm oil factories that we will build” . Oh dear, look at all these tree roots, better do something with them, ah- another idea, burn them.

The rainforest soil is more like peat than earth, centuries of arboreal foliage has fallen and deposited itself on the forest mat and has become almost a fuel.

Try telling that to the semi evolved simian sitting next to me on this flight who has taken all the space, farts, burps, slurps and spills his Nasi Goreang over me, narrowly missing the lap top and then, with a flourish of his toothpick, gives a second chance to cover me in his slime.

Truth be, he is proud that he has made money in the way described above, what he lacks in manners he makes up for in pointless boasting about how many square kilometres of palm he has, how he obtained this acreage and the disdain he holds for the forestry officials who ask him to tidy up his act, however, many a blind eye is turned with fat brown envelopes.

Which is what brought me onto the subject on the first place?

The tranquillity that you seem to see below is in fact hundreds of square acres of straight lines comprising Palm trees to satisfy the aforementioned industry. As this industry grows, more acreage is required and more slash and burn takes place leaving the atmosphere above what used to be pristine rainforest more like the streets of Jakarta with these clouds of ash drifting throughout South East Asia and polluting other nations into the bargain.

As with all peoples in the world, Indonesians need to make money, however, after many many years of corruption at both major and minor levels, the mechanics of normal business routine and the wheels of commerce have been so badly tarnished that without some form of grease they will seize and nothing will happen at all.

This grease has prevented the formation of any form of sustainable resource group as the brown envelopes are bigger carrots to businessmen and officials than the threatened snarl from public bodies trying to change both the mind set of the perpetrators and save a huge natural resource at the same time.

Later, on my way to meetings within the heart of Riau Province, the landscape turned almost desert like. Yes there were palm oil trees, laid out like parade soldiers, however, there was an arid quality to the road and forest behind, dust clouds blew, smoke permeated everywhere and the few last arboreal giants stood naked, without leaves, merely waiting, towering above the non native palms to fall to their graves, because in truth they were already dead, and worse, unlikely to ever return.

If the Indonesians cannot see what is happening, or worse, are not aware that their children will only have memories of these once great jungles, I do indeed shed a tear for them, however, I cannot forgive them as what they are taking from the world is not theirs to take.
Pekanbaru, the River Siak on a sunny morning. Did not last long, smoke haze soon returned!

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Pekanbaru, capital of Riau Provence, the River Siak allows freighters and barges from Singapore to penetrate deep into the hearland of Sumatra.

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Pick a road, any road in Sumatra and this is whats in front of you, thats right, the dissapaearing rain forest, bound for processing in Pankalan Kerinci!

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Deep in the heart of the wasteland lies Pankalan Kerinci, primary business, pulp & paper. This plant is so vast that a new town was built to accomodate the work force. Most of the wood in Riau province ends up here!

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More trucks on the way to Pankalan Kerinci. Where did this wood come from?

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Despite the setting of tranquility, 50 metres down stream a tanker was unloading raw sewage into the river. This girls clothes get an extra soak in new improved biological shit!

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Poisoned for being Pests

I have not been posting recently as I have been spending a substantial amount of time in what used to be the tropical rain forests of Sumatra. The only thing that still remains descriptive about this area is that it rains - sometimes.

The devastating deforestation has driven animals from their habitiat into war zones, areas where conflict with humans is certain and here is what happened last week.

A family of elephants – among the rarest on Earth – wanders into a jungle clearing to eat the lush vegetation. It was their last meal.

The six Sumatran elephants, belonging to a breed down to its last 2000, were about to die a slow and painful death.

The leaves they were eating had been laced with potassium cyanide, a deadly poison.

The elephants, including a youngster, fell one by one, keeping close to each other in a family group. Six rotting corpses were victims of a conflict between Sumatra's growing human population and its dwindling numbers of pachyderms. On the only male in the group, a gaping wound had been left where its tusks had been ripped out.

The killers, not content merely to poison the graceful animals, had decided to profit by the sale of the ivory.

But elephants are mostly killed not by the loggers exploiting the forest's valuable hardwoods, or even by ivory poachers, but simply because they come into conflict with humans.

As Sumatra's population grows, unfortunate encounters with the animals become more common and farmers, fearful of their crops and even homes being trampled, poison the elephants as a form of pest control.

Sumatra, the second-largest island in the Indonesian archipelago, is home to one of the most diverse ecosystems. Towering forests used to hide tens of thousands of species, including a menagerie of exotic mammals, reptiles and amphibians.

These include orang-utans and the Sumatran tiger and all are in danger of dying out as their habitat is decimated, mostly by loggers. Truth is that the elephants are simply running out of space, Human-elephant conflict is a huge problem in this area as their forests are cut down and they become homeless, and then they raid people's crops.Angry farmers then coat palm fronds with pesticide or lay out poison bait.

The local authorities advertise the fact that they are against illegal logging, pro conservation and all the other "Green" policies that seem to be important in todays world, however, the fact of the matter is they just do not give a fuck!

If it does not come in a brown envelope, it remains a very low priority. The local perception is one of "we've seen it all before". Despite the 40 foot tall bill boards with the governer of Riau Province stating that "Ilegal Loggers will be prosecuted" it remains a fact that every minute an area the size of three football fields is being decimated.

Menwhile, the elephants are dying!

Natural Viagra for SBY

The stress of the Presidential lifestyle has obviously finally hit Indonesia's President SBY.
In an effort to put a little bit extra back into the first lady, here is what happened!

President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono got a special sales come-on Thursday during a visit to Central Java's Dieng plateau -- for a traditional herbal potion for male sexual performance.

Yudhoyono and First Lady Kristiani Herawati were visiting a local product expo outside the mountain resort when they encountered a group of women at a stand displaying an array of products, ranging from food to flowers.

The most outgoing of the women took it on herself to act as the VIP guests' personal salesperson, waxing on about the virtues of each product.

One item that caught the First Lady's eye was a plastic bag containing a mysterious white powder.

"What's that?" she asked.

The woman replied it was purwaceng, a concoction of herbs that local people believe is beneficial for male sexual performance.

It comes in two flavors, coffee and milk, and sells for Rp 5,000 (53 U.S. cents) a sachet.

"It's great to satisfy women," the giggling saleswoman told the laughing onlookers and the First Lady.

A blushing Yudhoyono jokingly replied, "OK, buy as much of it as possible, my dear!" --

A spoksperson at the Prsidential Palace in Bogor declined to comment on the effectiveness of the 100 kilo of "Natural Viagra" - flavour unspecified that was delivered later the next day.

Friday 3 March 2006

Musings from the Big Durien

Ah well, another week, and the cartoon saga drags on apace. I'm actually utterly sick of reading about the great cartoon wars; it has all got just a bit boring by now. However, as a final, humorous postscript to the story, I read last week that Danish pastries, popular in Iran apparently, have had their name changed to, "Roses of the Prophet Mohammed", by irate locals.

This would bring the Islamic world into line with the U.S. Congress who famously renamed French Fries, "Freedom Fries" after the French refused to capitulate to Dubya and join him on his Iraqi sojourn. Whatever next? Spanish Omelettes renamed Liberation Omelettes by ETA? Irish Stew turned into Republican Stew by the Real IRA? Leave the food out of this, I say and can we move on please, world?

In other news, last week's The Jakarta Post featured a photo of some prospective, civil service job applicants in Aceh. This is not in itself strange. What was strange, however, was the fact that there were 120,000 of them and they had to be accommodated in a soccer stadium. Now Aceh may be a special case; reconstruction and all that, but is the situation so different elsewhere in the archipelago?

Just popping around the corner to my local bakery last week for some Freedom Fancies and a few Roses of the Prophet, I counted no less than 13 girls behind the counter, stepping on each other's toes and generally confirming that old adage about too many bakers spoiling the bread.

The demographic pressures upon Indonesia mean that jobs have to be created out of thin air, even if they may be superfluous to requirements or not even real jobs at all. European countries get panicky if the unemployment rate reaches the dreaded one in ten level, i.e. 10 percent of the workforce.

Indonesia's official unemployment rate hovers at around 10 percent but anyone who has lived in this country for any length of time will scarcely find this a credible figure. So many people seem to turn their hand at any form of informal occupation they can find in order to sustain a hand-to-mouth existence.

My favorite job-non-job would have to be the parkir fellows on the street whose smart uniforms, loud whistles and smiley demeanors help distract from the utter uselessness of their occupation. God bless every one of them. Without these guys' ceaseless kiri (left), kanan (right) and terus (go ahead) I would have no doubt ridden my Nissan Grandroad into a brick wall on numerous occasions. If there is one thing us motorists need, it's having brick walls pointed out to us.

The civil service, of course, soaks up a lot of the unemployed workforce, shoe horns them into ill fitting, green, hessian uniforms and then largely forgets about them. Then there is the daily exodus of kaki lima (food carts) around the city's streets. The warung (street eateries) are perhaps the ultimate form of self-employment in Indonesia and there is some great food to be had out there (If you are brave enough to eat it).

Unfortunately, my local sate (kebab on a stick) seller has recently decided to go nuclear and has replaced the gentle tok tok sound with a car horn attached to his trolley. I'm on the verge of storming out there telling him exactly where he can stick his sate ayam.

Then there are the other, non-food vendors who utilize every square inch of street space in an attempt to turn an honest profit, only to be hounded by thugs and hoodlums for their pains. Traditional market stalls spill out onto the road impeding the traffic and even footbridges are jammed with DVD, bandana and screwdriver salesman (always with the screwdrivers, God knows why).

The pembantu (maids) and satpam (security guards) are also a symptom of a large population struggling amid an undernourished labor market. I often point out to middle-class Indonesians that people in the West often don't have an underclass to utilize like there is here.

First-Worlders we may be, but we actually have to do our own cooking and cleaning as well as hold down a job. Just looking out the window now, I do in fact feel a bit sorry for the satpam outside the house across the road from me. Sitting in a chair for more than 12 hours each day doing precisely nothing would test the patience of the Dalai Lama.

In a sense, it is not surprising that reactionary Islamic groups find it easy to recruit from among the huddled masses. Most young, idealistic school-leavers in the capital have little to look forward to except a life of boiling meatballs and squalor with only the occasional visits by public order officials in order to smash up their wooden shacks to break the monotony. They say Jakarta is the city of "a thousand kampongs" although you could perhaps replace the word kampong with ghetto and get nearer to the truth.

Joining the FPI, (Local equivalent of the KKK, except with an Islamic twist) or whatever, gives these people a sense of power that they've never had before; a sense that they too are important, even if their methods and aims are questionable.

Also, of course, the ascetic, fundamentalist ideals of such groups can help to sublimate their members' sense of social jealousy and financial inferiority -- "If I can't afford to go to a disco and have fun, then no one can," would sum up this unspoken goal, I guess.

However, these groups would perhaps do better to rethink their moral objections to condom machines. Indonesia's unemployment problems are partly a problem of overpopulation. Capitalism is predicated upon the infinite expandability of the consumption/production cycle but
I reckon that Java, the most densely populated island in the world, will be one of the first places on the planet to run into the environmental and demographic buffers that are rapidly coming into view to derail the whole free-market, capitalist project.

Perhaps the FPI could consider a compromise by only allowing the sensible, Durex Extra Safe condoms to be vended for contraception purposes and forbidding the more hedonistic, ribbed varieties, which are designed for a bit of er.. extra stimulation. Ah...ahem... where was I again?

Oh yes, the unemployed. Hopefully things will improve here. On the plus side, Indonesians do show great restraint in their unemployment by not rioting every week.

Unemployment, in Europe at least, is a great fomenter of social unrest, despite the Social Security safety nets that exist there. People here, though, accept their fate with admirable calm and stoicism, especially when you consider that the country's 220 million plus citizens still have to pay off the debts run up by about 100 devious swine during the 1998 financial crisis.

On the other hand, perhaps we could do with a little more class warfare in this country of plutocrats and oligarchs. Cast off the opiates of religion and nationalism. Here's hoping the National Union of Pembantu (Maids) is soon founded and rise to the top by holding the rich's socks to ransom. Let us pray, comrades.

Washing Instructions


Thanks to DSSA
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DT's Kemang unveil new Pool team Captains


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Pondok Indah Hospital admits suspected Bird Flu Victim

Thanks to DSSA

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Hairdessers or what?

Do not ask what happens here!

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Only in the USA

Country Singer & Sister

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Two Heads are better than one!

See picture above, File Under Must Post

Reba Schappell, of Reading, Pa., a professional country music singer who is also a conjoined-at-the-head twin with sister Lori, told a BBC radio audience, "When I am singing, Lori is like any other fan, except she's up on the stage with me (covered by a blanket to reduce the distraction)." Said Lori: "I do not ask for anything from Reba. I don't get in to her concerts free just because she's a conjoined twin. I have to pay, just like every other fan ...."

Law-makers and Religious Leaders Busted

Mair from the Jakarta Post - What chance have people got when those who teach and defend are punting speed.......oh and keeping guns at home.

A former prosecutor has been sentenced by the South Jakarta District Court to 17 years' jail for dealing crystal methamphetamine and owning unlicensed guns.

Hendra was head of general crime at the Cibinong Prosecutor's Office in West Java prior to his arrest. (Apt Title)

Presiding judge Sri Mulyani said the defendant was found guilty of possessing and selling almost 200 grams of crystal methamphetamine or shabu-shabu and 30 ecstasy pills.

On the firearms count, Sri said there was enough evidence to convict Hendra as the police found two unlicensed guns at his place in Taman Rasuna Apartment, South Jakarta.

She said the panel of judges decided upon a long jail term as Hendra had disgraced his profession and set a bad example for the public.

Hendra is the first prosecutor to be convicted on drug charges as it has been customary for police, prosecutors and judges to suppress such cases.

Here is the best bit!

Initially, police attempted to press down the case by saying the drugs were connected to a case Hendra was handling and the guns were licensed.

However, after the media got hold of the story, the police held a press conference to announce Hendra's charges.

Meanwhile, the West Jakarta Prosecutor's Office said it was ready to bring to trial two different drug cases involving the head of religious affairs at the State Secretariat, Baharrudin Mamasta, and the deputy regent of Lebak in Banten province, Odih.

Bahrrudin was arrested with two packages of shabu-shabu on his personage on Dec. 23 last year on Jl. Pecenongan Raya, Central Jakarta, while Odih was arrested last week also with several packages of shabu-shabu on Jl. Panjang, West Jakarta.

Brilliant, now we know who the Bad Guys are......

Of Beer and Brothels in Indonesia

The Jakarta Post has an Expat who contributes regularly called Duncan Graham.

The following is an interesting article in this weeks Post regarding Beer.

Although beer is not labeled halal (permitted) in Indonesia, nor is it haram (forbidden) to Muslims according to the straw poll of Muslims interviewed for this story. They say the religious prohibition is on abusing the drink and getting drunk.

Liberal Muslims joke that because beer is only five per cent alcohol they can drink because they're only 95 per cent Islamic.

While the image of beer in the West is benign and linked to friendly socializing, in Indonesia alcohol is sometimes associated with criminality and immorality.

It's also saturated in myths: Some believe one mouthful makes you drunk, and confuse beer with wine and spirits.

When the more simplistic sinetron (TV soap operas) show bad characters they usually pose unshaven actors with long hair swigging beer while plotting evil.

Brothels in Surabaya openly advertise and sell their clients beer, perhaps to dampen their ardor. Alcohol is popularly supposed to be a sexual stimulant, but the reality is otherwise, as the madams doubtless know.

As Shakespeare observed: "It provokes the desire but it takes away the performance. Therefore much drink may be said to be an equivocator with lechery: it makes him and it mars him."

This condition is more colloquially known as "brewer's droop".

The Naked Truth

Culled from the Jakarta Post, a lovely little article on Porn

If you love sunbathing on Bali's beaches, you better keep your clothes on, unless you want to extend your stay on the island -- in Denpasar prison.

If you want to look sexy in your tank top or bare your belly button while shopping at the mall, think again -- you may end up in jail or bankrupt after having to pay a Rp 200 million (US$21,000) fine.

It's no joke. These things could happen if the controversial pornography bill now being deliberated by the House of Representatives is passed into law without changes.

Popular dangdut singers would have to look for other jobs because the dance moves that catapulted them to stardom are considered "suggestive", amounting to "pornography". If they dare to dance, they could be subject to jail terms and hefty fines.

Javanese women have to hang up their kebaya, or blouses, for good because Article 79 of the bill mandates a Rp 200 million fine and a minimal jail term of two years for "showing off sensual parts of the female body", which include thighs, hips, breasts and navel. Imagine how many millions of women in Java, Bali and Sulawesi will be jailed and bankrupted.

What about Papuan women who, by tradition, do not cover their breasts, and Papuan men who hide their penises in sheaths?

The bill, which was submitted to the House in 1992 and only recently dusted off, is laughable.

Pornography is loosely defined, provoking protests from artists, the press and more liberal-minded Indonesians. The bill, which in part is meant to protect women from sexual exploitation, ends up demonizing women as the cause of all sexual evils, compelling the state to force them to cover up.

Mind you, the definition of "sensual body parts" does not really apply to men!

Any cultural displays and pieces of art judged to be "sensual" will not be tolerated unless displayed in places sanctioned by the government. What to do with the renowned Borobudur Temple, with its sensual reliefs, or the Sukuh fertility temple?

Writers who make up romantic stories and artists who draw nudes would soon be working out of prison after being jailed for disseminating pornography.

The comedy continued with police raiding news-stands and VCD kiosks for "pornographic" materials.

Bali, the Hindu enclave whose lifeline is tourism, opposes the bill because of the effect it could have on tourism. They imagine ubiquitous moral police scaring away casually dressed holidaymakers from beaches, pubs and malls. A recent conference in the provincial capital Denpasar, which brought together Balinese from different professional backgrounds, agreed to file a petition demanding the bill be scrapped.

On the other side, many Muslim groups, represented by such organizations as the Indonesian Ulema Council (MUI), the FPI and the Islamic Forum (FUI), believe an anti-indecency law is necessary to lift the country from the gutter of moral decay.

The MUI, set up during Soeharto's New Order regime to represent the interests of Muslims, went as far as giving lawmakers until June to finish the draft law, warning that Muslims would "take action" if the legislators failed to complete the law by the deadline.

The fierce opposition of the Balinese to the bill and the MUI's threat give credence to the fear the pornography bill will only widen the divide in the multicultural and multireligious Indonesia.

Never has a bill so divided such a diverse society along cultural, religious and political lines as the one on pornography. The pressure tactics of certain groups, such as the ultimatum from the MUI, only exacerbate fears of open conflict.

Legislators deliberating the bill have tried to appease opponents by offering "exceptions"; for instance, allowing "erotic" artworks to be displayed, but only in venues sanctioned by the government, or offering looser interpretations of sensuality in areas where local tradition calls for it. But it is difficult to imagine a law with so many exceptions.

The pornography bill is a delicate issue and unless pornography is properly defined, the lawmakers will ultimately fail to improve the nation's moral standards. What they will do is worsen conflicts among citizens.

Many of the issues addressed in the bill are already covered by existing laws and the Criminal Code. The truth is that pornography, like many other social ills, is rampant because the laws are not properly enforced as corruption reigns supreme.

The distribution and sale of "erotic" materials are not regulated. Raunchy tabloids are not stopped by the Press Law.

With the country campaigning to combat corruption, it would seem the bill on the protection of whistle-blowers is more urgent than the porn bill.

Durien, one slip of the tongue and you're in the shit!

When it rains in Jakarta, commuters know better than to try and fight the traffic; the best thing to do is find a comfortable spot and settle down until the floods subside and the streets are no longer parking lots.

Many people prefer cafes and fast-food restaurants for waiting out the storm, but those with a little more savvy know the rainy season is the best time for eating durian, when the prices are much lower.

The most popular spot for durian lovers has for years been a row of simple stalls along Jl. Kalibata in South Jakarta, just across from the National Heroes Cemetery.

Most of the stalls have rattan benches for customers and bottled water to quench the strong taste of the "king of the fruit" or for customers to rinse their hands.

No plates or forks are necessary, because the best way to eat durian is to scoop out the meaty, sometimes mushy, fruit with your fingers, right from the shell.

Durian, or duren to some, has a strong smell that has been described as similar to pigs' droppings, turpentine and onions, mixed with dirty socks.

Durian lovers will tell you it takes more than one experience to get hooked on the "smell-like-hell-taste-like-heaven" fruit.

But for those with hypertension, it's best to keep a distance. The alcohol content in the fruit leaves people feeling hot and sweaty after they eat it.

Komeng has been selling durian on Jl. Kalibata since the 1970s. "Unlike other street vendors, we never have any trouble with the public order officers," he said.

Another durian seller on the street, Hanafi, stays open almost 24 hours a day, to satisfy those late-night durian urges.

"The customers prefer us because we allow you to pick a durian and taste it, and if you don't like it you can pick another one for free," he said.

Hanafi has a few tips to help novices pick the best durian. First, if the smell is strong, the fruit is ripe. (There is similarity between the smell of a ripe durien and a Jakarta sewer)

"Then cut the stalk. If the color inside is dark yellow, that means the durian is good," he added.
But another vendor, Parno, 40, said most tips like this were unreliable.

"Good taste is relative. Some like it strong, some prefer mild-tasting durian," he said.
The sellers along Jl. Kalibata get their fruit from plantations in Sumatra, Java and Kalimantan.

The fruit is harvested at the plantations throughout the year, so the vendors never run out of durian.

"But the best durian is from Sumatra, with the peak season during the rainy season, usually from the end of the year through May," Hanafi said.

Vendors along the street charge different prices, usually from between Rp 5,000 and Rp 45,000, but they are open to bargaining.

"We can sell 40 durian a night and bring home Rp 500,000 to Rp 700,000 on weekends. If we have durian leftover, we sell it to ice cream vendors," Komeng said.

Competition among the vendors is unavoidable, but generally good-humored. "We compete fairly. Our principle is: What belongs to you will come to you."

In the meantime, the market place smells like someone took a shit after 15 Bintangs and a Vindaloo Curry

Indoesia in Eleven S's

The Indonesians are amazing. The differences between western and eastern culture are sometimes huge, sometimes tiny: I challenge anyone to define the Asian mentality, as much as I challenge anyone to define the Western mentality. One thing's for sure: apart from a few bad eggs, Indonesians are a good people, always kind, considerate, interested and willing to chat. Yes, when the lonesome traveller is tired and wants some peace the overly keen Asian instantly becomes a pain, but compared to westerners, Indonesians are friendly beyond the call of duty.

Here, then, is a quick summary of face-value Indonesians, based purely on observation.
Take it with a pinch of salt: I'm no anthropologist. Welcome to the eleven S's..of Indonesia.

1. Smoking
The Indonesians smoke an incredible amount, and there are, of course, absolutely no rules or regulations when it comes to the national habit. You can smoke anywhere, and the butts go on the floor, out of the car window, wherever: it came as no surprise to me to learn that, when I arrived in Indonesia, there were bushfires raging all over Kalimantan and Sumatra, because when the weather is dry (as it had been in that El NiƱo year) it only takes one carelessly discarded cigarette butt to spark a disaster. And there's no shortage of butts flying out of car windows in Indonesia.

Smoking is incredibly cheap, at least by European standards so it doesn't break the bank to smoke as much as everyone else does. Besides, without smoking there couldn't be as much of the following...

2. Spitting
Ah yes, smoking and spitting, two Indonesian hobbies that go hand in hand. Along with the sweet-smelling smoke is the universal soundtrack: it starts as a cough, a black-lung rattler that makes you really appreciate the effect of tar on the bronchial tubes. This is followed by that deep throat-clearing sound that even the boffins at the Oxford English Dictionary can't transcribe using the letters of the Latin alphabet, and then comes the inevitable spit. It's pretty foul, and as with the smoking, there are no social rules governing the sport of spitting: it's valid anywhere, any time.

It's not just a male occupation, either: women spit plenty, too. An added bonus is the effect of the betel nut, which a lot of Indonesians chew continuously, staining their lips red and giving their spittle a hue that Salvador Dali would have been proud of. It's mainly a rural habit, chewing the betel, but that's a good thing: if everyone in the city chewed betel nuts, the sewers would run red.

3. Staring
Yes, as your bus burns rubber through the tiny villages of rural Indonesia, people just sit there and let their jaws drop. Children flock out of the houses to watch the strange shiny box rumble its way along the road... it's bizarre. And if you're a traveller wandering into a small village in the middle of nowhere, everyone stares at you, as if they're waiting for you to do something weird.
But this isn't rudeness; it's simply the locals being interested in seeing something unusual and different. Before long they'll be talking to you and trying to find out all about you, and this is where learning the language comes in handy – even a few words of Indonesian can make things that much more interesting, as the staring changes into conversation.
But it's bloody weird to be stared at all the time, believe me...

4. Sleeping
This observation doesn't mean that the Indonesians are lazy: far from it. In fact I've never seen such a hard-working bunch in my life. Up at the crack of dawn with the 4am call to prayer, working hard at jobs that would drive westerners to distraction... they're an astoundingly conscientious race. But with this physical burden comes an increased need to sleep.
The amazing thing about the Indonesians and their sleep is that they can sleep absolutely anywhere. On the buses, on the street, standing up, sitting down: shut-eye isn't the problem it seems to be in the world of nine-to-five and insomnia. I've seen people literally sleeping on concrete, curled up on thin reed mats and snoring in a way that no soft-boned white man could manage; I've seen men crashed out in their tiny becaks (bicycle rickshaws) in cities, grabbing a few minutes' rest after hurtling round the backstreets, legs and arms sticking out of the tiny compartment like an octopus in a bucket; I've seen men drifting off in a bus whose spine-shattering jolts would keep normal humans awake for the following three days; yes, the Indonesian talent is for being able to grab forty winks whenever and wherever, a skill that all of us could use.

5. Speeding
Not drug abuse, but road abuse: the speed at which they drive is simply scary. Probably the craziest thing is that even the drivers have no idea how fast they are going: a sizeable proportion of bemos I had the pleasure of riding in either had no speedometer, or had one that obstinately stuck at zero km/h when it was bloody obvious that there should be a hell of a lot more needle movement. I suppose ignorance is bliss, but with the tyre screeches echoing round the streets, there's no way the bemo drivers can convince me that they don't know they're speeding.
Of course, the definition of 'speeding' is important to make. Speeding, in the traditional sense, implies that there's a speed limit, and that you're breaking it, but I only saw a handful of '40' signs (which were heartily ignored), so it's debatable whether the drivers are speeding, or whether there is no speed limit anyway. The answer to this is that any speed where the tyres leave the road when cornering is too fast, but when you only learn to drive a car with the accelerator or the brake fully depressed, how can you drive any other way? Exactly.

6. Smiling
Infectious and irrepressible, the Indonesian smile is universal and a real joy to behold. The kids do it best, of course, but even adults spend a lot of time smiling, especially if you greet them with an ear-to-ear teeth rattler yourself. The Indonesian laugh is also pretty common, but without understanding the language, a group of Indonesians standing and laughing at you can make even the most confident person paranoid, but they're not being rude, they're just expressing their amusement and bemusement in the most natural way, something that the miserable bastards on the London Underground could do with remembering.
After all, a smile a day keeps the doctor away, something that's pretty damn useful when the doctor's probably on the other side of the island, and doesn't even know his plasters from his penicillin...

7. Selling
The Indonesians have an entrepreneurial streak a mile wide, and they've worked out that all tourists are rich and just love parting with their money. As a consequence, a large number of conversations end up with them trying to sell you something, but after a few of these you get the hang of sweeping the offer aside with an off the cuff, 'I'm not interested.' To be honest, most people who end up talking to you are interested in talking for the sake of talking, but some locals, especially in places like Bali's Kuta, are walking, talking salesmen.

8. Screaming
If you can't make yourself heard above the millions of other people in your crowded country, then shout louder then they do. Shout if you're at the market. Shout if you're on the bus. Shout if you're trying to talk English with a tourist. Shout if you're a becak driver who wants a customer. Shout if you're working in the kitchen. Or just shout for the hell of it.

Yes, Indonesia can be a very noisy place: the locals are either so laid-back they're mummified, or they're cackling around as if they were extras in a Shakespearian crowd scene. The women seem to be the worst culprits, shrieking across the road at other people, saying goodness only knows what: it's all in the delivery here. If you want quiet, go to the Australian outback.

9. Speaking
As already mentioned, the Indonesians just love to talk, especially if the object of their conversation is a tourist. I've come across a number of survival instincts in the westerners who have been subjected to endless hello-mister what-is-your-name where-do-you-come-from how-long-have-you-been-in-Indonesia conversations, such as telling them your name is 'Load of shit' or the name of some celebrity, and then carrying on the conversation regardless. It's a bit cruel – after all, 'Hello Mister' is what the Indonesians are taught in school to say to tourists to be polite, and most of them don't actually know what it means – but it's totally understandable if you've ever been subjected to hours of locals constantly being interested in you.

Another interesting runaround is to go up to complete strangers and go, 'Hello Mister,' in their faces: not too many locals bother with you after that. Or you can just ignore the small talk, but that's rude: after all, the reason that the locals want to talk is that they're genuinely interested in you, and the reason that it's an awful conversation is because you can't speak the language. Wearing or not, it's a part of Asia that you can't avoid, so you might as well revel in it. If you don't lose the plot first...

10. Singing
Not just the colourful and delightful way that Indonesians spontaneously burst into song – whether they're walking down the street, sitting in a hotel or killing time on a ferry – but also the bad side to Indonesian music, namely that it's terrible.
By Indonesian music I don't mean classical ballet or old songs : that's the equivalent of western classical music, and you don't get too many new pieces, in the same way that you don't get so many new symphonies or choral masterpieces back in Europe these days.

I mean that the Indonesian pop scene is about as depressingly awful as you can possibly imagine: their most popular artists are terrible MOR balladeers, inoffensive beyond belief, but simply depressing to anyone with a modicum of interest in modern music. Take Neil Diamond and suck out all his talent; or take the band from down your local pub and remove any vestiges of musical ability... and you're close.

Having said that, new bands such as Dewa & Peter Pan have developed a measure of musicallity and this may well be the way of the future.

11. Stamina
Indonesians have an astoundingly high boredom threshold, and are able to do things for hours that would send westerners totally round the loophole. They painstakingly tend rice fields. They carry heavy loads for hours up mountains, repeating the trip many times a week. They sit for hours, staring at westerners who are doing their damnedest to ignore them. They sit around when they're not tending the fields, talking and smoking lots. They make small talk to every foreigner they meet, repeating the same conversations every time, simply to practice English. Yes, you and I would lose the plot if we had to live the way the Indonesians live, and that's an important thing to remember when trying to comprehend a culture that is, effectively, so different that most westerners never really understand it.

The Eleven S's of Indonesia - Summed Up

Sexy Clothes a No No in Batam

Police in Batam, Riau Islands province, began trawling the city's malls Thursday looking for women wearing revealing clothes.

Policewomen deployed as part of the campaign have stopped women in at least five shopping centers in the city and warned them against dressing provocatively.

Said a bigwig Brown Shit – sorry – Brown Shirt "This is part of our efforts to reduce crimes against women. We hope to continue the operation, though it is now being evaluated following protests," said the oficer, declining to provide statistics on the number or types of crimes against women in the city.

However, some residents have complained about the operation, which they say was introduced without first informing the public, has no legal basis and is nothing more than an attempt by the police to prepare the people of Batam for life under the new pornography law currently being debated by the House of Representatives.

Officials acknowledged the police operation was launched at the same time the House was deliberating the pornography bill, but said the timing was coincidence.

"We are not only warning women for wearing sexy outfits, but we also are calling on stores to stop selling such outfits,". Batam based “Victorias Secret” declined to offer figures on the declining sales of Crotchless Panties and Push Up Bra’s

Santi, a shop attendant at Mega Mall Center in Batam, said the operation had upset both female shoppers, perverts, cross dressers and the people who work in the shops.

"We don't know which outfits are sexy and which aren't. My boss is afraid to sell women's clothes, fearing it might be against the law," she said.

Regional officials stated that the morality of the populace was at stake. An investigator at one of the trendier malls said yesterday that protruding nipples, flashed wisp’s of pubic hair and Caesarean Section scars were sadly absent after the announcement of the campaign.

One of the indigenous lechers said there was nothing wrong with women wearing sexy clothes, which were claimed to be fashionable. "Besides, the weather in Batam is very hot. If a top that is open in the back is considered pornographic, what chance do we have of getting our jollies off?"

The head of the Batam office of the Indonesian Tour Guides Association, is concerned the police operation could harm tourism to the city.

"Lots of Koreans visit Batam every day. You see how they dress. If they're warned by the police, they might not come back to Batam. Hopefully, this is only a trial operation," he said. He did not however mention that the majority of Koreans were Transvestite Sex Tourists looking for a bit of “Banci” (lady boy) action on day trips from Singapore where you are allowed to show flesh, but Fellatio is illegal.

However, the operation has won the backing of some residents, including the chairman of the Batam branch of the We Are Anti Everything Fundamentalist Council.

"I thank a higher being for the operation, because exposing one's body is not part of our culture, and we want to restrict this behaviour so we may return to the days of becoming aroused at the sight of naked ankles.

Goats with shaved udders were reportedly looking sceptically at the situation as they felt that there would be no impact on their situation and that they would continue to welcome those Australian and Kiwi visitors that enjoyed the woolly stuff.