Monday 30 January 2006

Another "Must Post"! Moral -It is better to check that your daughter is not using her webcam before going into her room....Check Mum's face.

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Kampung residents in Kemang delight in the completion of the "Road Widening Campaign" that the city recently undertook.

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I know its not in Jakarta, but I thought I had to post this one.

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The Commision against Corruption displays the new filing system for evidence against bribe taking officials.

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And, er, it, um kind of rained again

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Holidaymakers enjoy a spin on the newest attraction to Jakarta, check the distance between the upper class passengers and the overhead high tension electrical lines!

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Java from the Space Shuttle - the white dots are volcanoes. Jakarta however is mising at the top left hand corner, presumably under a blanket of smog.

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In order to curtail high speed driving (Joke) in Jakarta, the authorities unveil new methods to ensure a blinding crawl will prevail - more traffic cops.

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Demos in Jakarta, protesting the news that Playboy Indonesia has been given a license to publish. See below for what the pornographic content will be like.

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Playboy Indonesia signs up new models for the first edition.

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The Jakarta Railroad Authority announce the new "Open Top Class" which proves a big hit with residents.

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Doug & Trevor from DT's Bar in Kemang unveil new drive to deter smokers and encourage a healthy lifestyle for their patrons.

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Indonesian Government denies that there is a fuel crisis, however, Dilligaf proves differently. ("Habis" is Indonesian for we dont have or in "Scottish" - yer ontae plums)

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The 5+1 "House of Fun" demonstrate new cost cutting initiative

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Jeeves Express Laundry delivery service unveiled in Jakarta

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Raffles Hotel in Singapore have something new on the Menu

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Brilliant - No explanation required

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Speed trials for the forthcoming Indonesian A1 Grand Prix took place yesterday on the Cikampek Toll Road  Posted by Picasa

Raw ingredients for Bakso Meatballs in Pondok Indah Posted by Picasa

Dilligaf pulls a beauty queen while on holiday in Thailand Posted by Picasa

Tourettes John checks his bedpost, not a bad nights work.... Posted by Picasa

Friday 27 January 2006

Want to swear in Bahasa?

After extensive research it is out, the less than definitive Bahasa Swearapedia

(Editor takes no rsponsibility for content)

Bangsat - Bastard
Bule - Caucasian
Gila - Crazy
Sinting - Crazy
Isep kontol gua - Suck my genitalia (Male)
Kontol - Genitals (Male)
Peler - Genitals (Male)s
Titit - Genitals (Male)
Monyet - Monkey
Ngentot - The " F " Word
Ngentot lu - "F" you
Jancuk - "F" you
Ngehe loe - "F" you
Ngewe - Copulating
Memek / Puki / Pepe - Genitals (Female)
Pentil - Nipple
Toket - Breast
Toket besar - Big breast
Jembut - Pubic hair
Biji - Testicles
Pentil - Nipple
Palaji - Foreskin
Mandipantat - Copulates with Mother
Tollo - Idiot
Blo'on - Idiot
Otak udang - Shrimp brain
Tai babi - Pig shit
Martole jonjong emahi - Standing copulation
Lobang pantat - Asshole
Kunyuk - Monkey
Kura kura - Turtle ? (Whats this one for?)
Tai kucing - Bullshit! (lit. Cat shit)
Goblok - Stupid
Anjing - Dog
Tai - Shit
Mukamu jelek sekali - You have a very ugly face! (Excellent)
Ngepet - Shit
Babi - Pig
Tai lu - You're bullshitting (lit: your shit)
Meki - Pussy
Colli - Masturbation Artist
Bego - Stupid
Puki - Gentals (Female)
Puki mak lu (pukima) - Your mother's genitals
Edan - Crazy
Sinting - Crazy
Muka kontol - Dick Face
Kontol Peluh - Impotent
Bencong Bertitit Dicky - Faggot
Kontol Kecil Mini - dick
Nyokap lo perek - Your mom is a slut
Makan tai - Eat shit
Kontol Buduk - Maggoty Male genitalia
Nyokap lo bencong - Your mom is a she-male
Nyokap lo pembokat - Your mom is a worthless maid
Biji lo botak - Hairless ball
Biji kodok - Frog's ball
Otak Memek - Genitals (Female) for Brain
Tai anjing - Dog shit
Tai babi - Pig shit
Mati aja lo - Drop dead
Bokong - Ass
Lonte - Whore
Wingkeng - Genitals (Female)
Ciak wingkeng - Rug Munching
Lonte - Bitch
Mamak kau lonte - Your mom is a bitch
Germo - Pimp
Muka jamban - Toilet bowl face
Jahanam - Bastard
Keparat - Bastard
Minta gue gampar? - Are you asking to be beat up?
Setan! - Damn (lit. Satan)
Nnientot ibu kamu - Copulate with your mother
Brengsek - Damn
Mulut lu penuh tai - Your mouth is full of shit
Banci (pronounced Ban-chee) - Transvestite/gay
Kamu mata sapi - You are a fried egg (WTF)
Memek lu licin banget. - Your genitals (Female) is so slippery
Mamah mu murah sekali. - Your mum is very cheap
Muka anjing - Dog face
Otak segede biji kacang - Peanut sized brain
Jamput - Damn
Gatal - Horny (lit: itch)
Jangkrik - Grasshopper
Makmu sempakan seng - Your mother wore metal underwear (Brilliant)
Senuk - Whore
Nyenuk - Copulating
Di ancuk jaran - A horse copulated with you
Wandu - Gay
Sundel - Whore
Kongkek - Copulating
Disambar geledek - Struck by lightning (Apparently very bad)
Pepek - Genitals (Female)
Zakar lu terlalu pendek - Your Genitalia (Male) is too short

The best of the bunch is.......

Kontol loe saking busuknya, diisèp-isèpin ama kècoa ngèrès! - Your Genitalia(Male) smells so bad, horny cockroaches like to lick it and suck it!

Pantat besar - Big ass
Pantat - Ass
Babi Bunting - Pregnant Pig
Sepong kontol gue - Suck my Genitalia (Male)
Ngocok - Masturbate

Wha's like us!

Scotsmen have the longest willies in the world.

Researchers from Andromedical in Spain found that the average Scottish manhood is 6.2in when aroused.

Italy is next at 5.9in reports The Sun.

Englishers fall below the world average of 5.5in at 5.1in.

Countries with the smallest averages were India at 3.9in and South Korea with 3.7in.

Sunday 15 January 2006

Toll Free (I Think Not)


Sent to me from a Pal who dared to drive in Greece, I think I would rather pay the money than "Other Means of Payment" Posted by Picasa

Look on the bright side!


At least after a storm you can see the mountains (read -thought to be extinct volcanoes )which lie close to Jakarta because all of the pollutant crap in the air has been sent to the ground for the residents to enjoy! Posted by Picasa

Plenty Many Rain


And the winner of the Bajai Snorkelling Competition was.... Posted by Picasa

Saturday 14 January 2006

Stationary Containers


And you thought it was going to help Tsunami victims! See earlier post regarding where did the Aid go!Posted by Picasa

Black Skies


With a flash and a roar it became clear that it was going to get a wee bit wet! Posted by Picasa

Even Blacker skies from The Park Lane Hotel


And the sky turned darker and darker, even the Social Workers from Stix Bar went home empty handed before the storm hit! Posted by Picasa

The forecast is for light showers!

You can turn the tap off mum, I don't need a bath anymore! Posted by Picasa

A Plethora of Potholes

Potholes cause problems at the annual Jakarta Motocross Surfing Championships held yesterday on Jl. Fatmawati. Posted by Picasa

Big Noise in Blok M

A Kosti Jaya taxi exploded on Jl. Faletehan, Blok M, South Jakarta, hurting the driver and two bystanders.

An Investigator said that the explosion was caused by a leak in the vehicle's gas canister. Some Kosti Jaya taxis use LPG fuel.

"The engine was running, the driver was smoking and a Nasi Goerang Stall parked at the drivers window was flashing a plate of this delicious shit when the explosion occurred," he said.

Snack seller, Burhan, who witnessed the incident said that a few minutes before the explosion the driver was seen legging it toward a nearby alleyway to eat some stolen mush.

Burhan, watching the driver doing a runner with a free meal, gave chase and overturned his stove in his haste. Another street vendor meanwhile was attempting to fill his lighter from the Taxi's LPG Cannister.

The explosion caused several vehicle parts such as the radiator and hubcaps to be thrown 40 meters away. The customers of the Sportmans and Dee's across the road never spilled a drop as they were used to hubcaps, radiators and old boilers etc entering the premises at speed.

The damage apparently caused about US $ 1 Million Dollars worth of improvement to Jl. Faletehan.

The driver escaped the explosion with minor injuries to the back of the head, caused when the Snack Salesmen beat the shit out of him for the 5,000 Rupiah the meal cost while two people standing nearby were treated at Pertamina Hospital for leg and arm lacerations which were caused in the frenzy to grab the contents of the overturned Snack Stall.

The man with the lighter was reportedly uninjured as he had already been maimed in a motorcycle accident two years ago and no-one could notice any difference.

A Forensic team were seen investigating the cause of the explosion. Apparently they were in the area for the monthly brown envelopes.
Posted by Picasa

Even Mair Rain

The Trick Cyclist discovers that potholes can be fun! Posted by Picasa

Even Mair Rain in Drookit Jakarta

There have been no floods in the city for months and then they happen all at once. Whoosh, bang, wallop and loads of water came hurtling from the mountains into the "Big Durien".

In Jakarta, when it rains, it does indeed pour.

The rain over the past week alerted people living on the banks of Ciliwung River to the possibility of floods.
So, when the river -- which divides the area's of East Jakarta, and South Jakarta -- burst its banks at 5 a.m. on Friday, they were ready (as much as they would ever be).

Wet suits, snorkels, welly boots and water wings had been the subjects of much panic buying during the past few days.
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Valuables, such as infected chickens, photo albums, electronic appliances and motorcycles, were moved upstairs and residents made their way to nearby shelters.


Containers of stagnant water containing Mosquito larvae were also moved to safety so that potential Malaria and Dengue Fever carriers would not get harmed.

The flood, caused by heavy rain in Bogor, West Java, inundated many housing complexes. (Slums)l

One lady said she moved her 50 inch flat screen TV, surround sound system, Nasi Cooker, Toy Boy and Fridge upstairs.
"Look at my living room, it's empty now ... You could play soccer ... But I decided to leave my husband there because he's too heavy to move," she said.

Her house was badly improved in last year's floods, when the water in her home was five meters deep.
"I just renovated this house. Half of it and our belongings were swept away in the flood last year. Thank God, my family was out of harm's way," the mother of four said. She said if the waters continued to rise people would evacuate to higher ground inside Carrefour. Supermarket.

"We can't sleep all day anymore, three times this week we were on high alert," she said.

Flooding is an annual occurrence in Jakarta. The worst flood in recent history took place in 2002, forcing 300,000 residents to leave their homes.

Huge floods in the city are usually caused by heavy rain both in Jakarta and its upper areas -- Bogor and Depok -- as well as a high tide in the northern sea.


There is a flood relief system which should control this masive infux of water but it is normally too clogged with polythene refuse, old cars, Bakso salesmen catching rats to make meatballs (See earlier post) and tonnes of useless paperwork from the Anti Corruption Commision to be of any use.

Jakarta has 78 areas that are prone to flooding, most of which are in Jakarta. Everyone of them got it yesterday and will continue to do so for the next six weeks. (According to transvestite weatherpersons on TV)

Bakso Flavoured Crisps?

Three Russian men are demanding £1 million compensation after finding a rotting rat corpse in a packet of crisps.
Moscow Sanitary Centre officials said the unnamed men discovered the dead rat, which was still whole, at the bottom of the kingsize packet after eating just a couple of the crisps.
A spokesman for the centre said: "They realised something was wrong because of the revolting smell in the packet and the strange taste.
"It appears the rat had been cooked and processed along with the potatoes. It was seasoned and spiced just like the crisps," he added.
The men have now launched legal action against the firm which made the crisps.
Did the crisps come from the same place as the Jakarta Bakso Meatballs. (See yesterdays posts)

At the third stroke!

Miss Simmons, whose recorded voice as the “Speaking Clock” announced the time on the BT service from 1963 until 1985, died at the Royal London Hospital in East London.

BT chairman Sir Christopher Bland also expressed his condolences, saying: "Pat's voice was one of the most recognisable in Britain."

Sir Christopher said: "We were extremely saddened to hear that Pat Simmons had passed away, and our condolences go to her family and former colleagues at BT.

"She won an army of fans and was trusted by the millions of people who regularly called the speaking clock to find out the time."

Sorry, couldn't resist this one.

Bonking on the B'roo

Business is booming at a Jakarta brothel next to a dole office which is offering a special discount rate for the unemployed.

The owners of "P.T Yer Nat King Cole" brothel have introduced special rates of just Rupiah 75,000 for the country's growing number of jobless men.

Jobless Sujipto Fuckwit, 48, said: "Before I could only have my fun once every couple of months, if that. But now I can go twice a month for a rock-bottom price, and the quality of the service still remains the same."

Nia, one of the brothel's employees, said: "Monday was always a slow day and we never used to have more than three clients. But this Monday we have already had twenty.

She added: "The dole office is right next door and people are literally bursting in. We give them the same service, just without the long talks that we usually do to get a client going. At that price we can't afford to waste that much time."

Did you donate Aid to Indonesian Tsunami Victims?

This was an Editorial in The Jakarta Post this week. Finally someone speaks out against crass stupidity or were the people concerned merely waiting for the "facilitation fees" to get larger?

Hundreds of containers containing goods meant for Aceh tsunami survivors have been languishing in Indonesian ports for at least nine months. While the aid effort in Aceh has been generally applauded, and rightfully so, this is the most dramatic failure in the operation to bring relief to the province since the catastrophic earthquake and waves brought so much devastation in December, 2004.

How could such desperately needed aid be tied up for so long? The customs office's explanation that it needed time to make sure the containers were not carrying smuggled goods is completely unacceptable. Does the customs service place paperwork over the lives of tsunami survivors? The argument that the goods did not have "proper documentation" does not ring true.
A disaster of the apocalyptic proportions of the Aceh tsunami, in which over 100,000 people died, does not deserve such a response. How long does it take to determine whether a container is filled with smuggled goods or legitimate aid? How many agencies is it necessary to go through to get goods out of the ports -- the Ministry of Social Services, Ministry of Foreign Affairs, Ministry of Trade, Customs and Excise Office, National Disaster Management Coordination Body -- in such an emergency situation? Is it not possible to expedite clearance to get the aid to the people who need it?

The local newspapers here in Jakarta are at a loss for answers as to what could have caused this delay. It is difficult to imagine customs officials were not aware of the need to get aid to tsunami survivors as quickly as possible, given the blanket media coverage of the suffering in the province. The 117 containers left languishing in a port in Jakarta are said to contain blankets, medicines and food, items in great demand in the aftermath of the disaster.
In Belawan Port in Medan, another 232 containers were left in limbo, along with 58 vehicles, among them ambulances.

Officials may be able to find all sorts of excuses for the delay, but that does not change the absurdity of the episode. It amounts to an audacious robbery of tsunami survivors, a scandal whose seriousness cannot be overstated. The government has, in effect, slapped donors in the face by allowing their aid to rot in the ports. The generosity of donors from around the world should never be forgotten, as they rushed to help the country in a time of need. Foreign governments, local and foreign companies, NGOs and individual donors all gave freely to ease the suffering we all saw on our television screens and in the newspapers.

There could be no more inappropriate way in which to treat donors who acted promptly out of a deep sense of shared humanity. Our failure to get the aid immediately to the survivors is like saying, "Better to let the food rot than to bring it to the hungry, to prolong the suffering of the sick than to make use of the medicine, and to let the victims suffer from the cold than to bring them blankets." It might have been better simply to reject the aid, as India did, than to agree to receive it and then fail to deliver it to the intended recipients.

There is another troubling question: if all these donors acted so promptly to help Indonesian victims, why have Indonesian officials acted so slowly? Worse, there have been reports that some of this aid has been found being sold in Medan markets.

If corruption is part of this shameful episode -- there have been reports that Rp 65 million was required to get a container out of the port in Jakarta -- the government must take a close look at the officials involved. Otherwise, countries will think very seriously before sending aid to Indonesia in the future, simply because corruption takes such a heavy toll. The country's track record is already extremely shaky. Leakage is common in any assistance coming into the country, especially during the 30 years of the New Order regime. It has been well established that in the past up to 30 percent of all financial aid ended up in the pockets of government officials.

It is common courtesy to return the goodwill of the global community. In this case, that simply would have required making use of the assistance. Donors deserve respect, which would have meant assuring not a single item of aid went astray.

A lot has been done to assist the survivors in Aceh, but there is still much work that remains. The government should release all aid containers still in Indonesian ports immediately, because failing to use this assistance is an insult to humanity.

End of Editorial.

There is a feeling of outrage within the local community on this issue, almost everyone was greatly affected by the catastrphic losses in Sumatra. Normal Indonesians, who would normally shrug their shoulders at situations like this have reacted angrily and there seems to be a growing tide of condemnation against this type of government inefficiency.

The alternative is to place all of these containers on the nearest boat to Pakistan where I am sure there are many people in the North West of that country who could do with some blankets this winter.

Scrambled Egg

Armaments from complex weapons systems to simple uniform supplies were on display on Thursday at a one-day exhibition of locally made military and police products in Jakarta.

Ministry research and development head Feri Fuckwit said the exhibition was aimed at showcasing locally manufactured high-tech military equipment, including armored vehicles, weaponry systems, and personnel carriers.

One popular exhibit, which caught the attention of a Military Guy Col. I. Am, A. Fuckwit, was the "PT Make yer self look more important than you are Ltd" display of military and police uniform decorations.. My current uniform and decorations makes me look like a Satpam or a Parking Atendant at Carrefour.

Brilliant, just what the Army needs – not advanced weaponry but more Mickey Mouse and Scrambled Egg for the uniforms, oh yes and bigger Badges for the front of their cars so they can park anywhere (whats new) ………without the help of the Parking Attendant at Carrefour!

Ouch

Men in Jakarta are lining up to have electric shocks delivered to their testicles as part of a new contraceptive treatment.

Fertility expert Dr Joni Fuckwit, who runs one of the clinics offering the service, said the small electric shock makes men temporarily infertile by stunning their sperm into a state of immobility. (Has he never tried intraveous Bintang, apparently this has the same effect without the voltage)

He said: "We attach electrodes to either side of the testicles and send low electricity currents flowing through them.

"This stuns the sperm, effectively putting them to sleep for up to 10 days, which means couples can have sex without fear of getting pregnant.

"The method does not kill the sperm permanently and it does not affect the patient's health."
Dr Fuckwit added patients were now lining up at his fertility clinic in Jakarta Seletan for the shock treatment, as it had none of the problems attached to using condoms, the male pill or having a vasectomy.

He added: "We are hoping to have a small battery powered version on sale in the shops in the near future."

Friday 13 January 2006

The Rise & Fall of Indonesian Erotica

I recently found this old article, must have been well before my time here, however, knowing the country as I do now, I can well believe it, but don't hold your breath for Dewi does Dallas. The guy who wrote it was called "Hank Hyena" and he uses some execellent turns of phrase to get his massage (sorry message)
across.


Steamy soft-core cinema is phenomenally popular in Indonesia, but the government is slowing down production.
Indonesia is a predominantly Islamic nation, but its attitude regarding the depiction of naked human flesh is considerably looser than in uptight Taliban-controlled Afghanistan or in prim, women-in-veils-please Saudi Arabia. Truth be told, this huge archipelago is inhabited by millions of Muslims who have a fervid affection for homegrown soft-core erotic films, reported the Jakarta Post.

Non-sexy celluloid receives scant attention, while turgid throngs of viewers flock to soft-core cinema. Classics of carnality like "Metropolitan Girl" seduced 200,000 spectators in Jakarta alone.

The production of Indonesian erotica climaxed in the 1970s and early 1980s, an era that ejaculated more than 100 steamy titles per annum. The bulging growth of the industry was eventually slapped down in 1984 by a government-sponsored anti-pornography campaign and again in 1988 by Islamic religious leaders who censored two frisky films, "Revenge of the Southern Sea Queen" and "The Result of Being Flirtatious."

In 1994, the Indonesian government tried to strap a chastity belt on the bawdy business again by condemning more than 40 films as pornographic, including "Stained Bed," "The Alluring Widow" and "The Pleasure of the Taboo." But the official castigation failed to dry up the public's panting interest. Horny hordes beat a path to the flesh films anyway and several enticing features had sold-out runs for two months.

Economic crises in 1997 finally wilted Indonesia's porn production to today's 27 tawdry titles annually. Sexy starlets who strip and simulate shagging are also being carefully watched by authorities. Several have been reprimanded in the past year by Jakarta police for their provocative magazine poses.

Mechanical Monkey Spanker

One more from Japan, wonder what this one is for! Posted by Picasa

Flights of Fancy

The new International Terminal at Jakarta International Airport attracted some new airlines to the area. I bet you know who I'd rather fly with! Posted by Picasa

Fart in a wet suit

Due to decreasing water standards in Jakarta Bay, the local Diving Associations pollution proof wet suit underwent extensive testing. Seems to be 100% effective, however one must remember not to fart while wearing it Posted by Picasa