Tuesday 27 September 2005



Just a typical day in Jakarta

(Another bitch about the traffic)

Check out the vehicles using the
pavement (Sidewalk for the septics)! Posted by Picasa


As the Indonesian Goverment plans to
implement a lowering of Fuel Subsidies
on October 1st 2005, we can reveal the
new Fuel Gauge which will be fitted to
all new cars. Posted by Picasa

Sunday 25 September 2005

Mair Burd Flu - Teensy weeny bit more serious on the subject this
time.


"Wan flu over the Chickens Nest"

I am worried. Seriously worried ! You see, people on the other side of the planet are in a panic. And I'm not talking about hurricanes but the bird flu.

In Indonesia.

However neighbouring countries have been told that there's nothing to worry about.
And that is why I am worried.

Surely all should all be concerned when the disease is in a country that all ASEAN countries have strong ties with? All these years, they haven’t been able to stop Indonesians hopping on boats to arrive in their respective countries illegally, so what makes them think they are protected from bird flu?

South-East Asia is the epicentre of the epidemic. The disease now seems to be endemic here – that is, it’s not going to disappear any time soon. Even if you don’t import Indonesian chickens, legally or otherwise, the virus can still find its way here through migratory wild birds, which have taken the virus to as far away as Siberia.

This is not something we can afford to be relaxed about.

The issue at hand is not whether you can eat your chicken fried rice tomorrow.
Certainly, bird flu is a lethal killer for chickens – more than 100 million were killed in Asia last year, at devastating costs to the industry.

No, the apocalyptic eventuality that keeps some health experts awake at night is a global human flu pandemic. This would make last year’s tsunami look like a storm in a teacup. Billions infected. Tens of millions dead! Mass panic! Mass chaos! Hospitals overloaded! Food stocks dwindling! Nae Beer! The global economy in a wreck as trade drops! . Communities closing doors to outsiders! The army taking over? (horror story) Get the picture?

This isn’t a Hollywood drama. This isn’t about Scotland winning the World Cup. This is a real possibility.

Right now, this particular strain of the H5N1 virus rarely infects humans. But if it changes genetically to allow the virus to spread easily from person to person, then it will ignite a pandemic.

Nobody knows when and perhaps more realistically, if that change will happen! But the stage is set. Flu viruses change all the time – that’s why we get flu again and again (new strains). And as long as bird flu continues uncontrolled, as long as humans keep getting directly infected by sick birds, then we can expect that change to eventually happen.

Besides, pandemics happen fairly frequently – whenever a strain emerges that humans have no immunity from. The last one was in China in 1968, when 750,000 people died. The big one was in 1918, when up to 50 million people died (some say even 100 million).

This current strain looks nasty, very-very nasty. Roughly half the people infected have died. Given that we live in a very mobile, global world, it will spread rapidly. Remember SARS?

Governments are slowly realising that the most immediate threat to humanity is not Osama bin Laden or global warming but disease. Last week, even American President George Bush called for an “international partnership” to fight the disease.

Ironic isn’t it, a sick mind trying to prevent disease!

Some countries are stockpiling anti-flu drugs. Indonesia cannot afford this medication, the amount of money required each month to import drugs would probably equal the monthly bill for the importation of petrol. In a nutshell they are f**ked. The press in Britain has reported that they are even looking for sites for mass mortuaries.

What chance has Indonesia got!

But no country is prepared. A vaccine is not even ready. (Don’t perform heinous sexual acts on Chickens would be start!)

Surely then, we should try to stop outbreaks happening in the first place here in Asia. Reduce infection and you reduce the chances for the virus to transform.
Why is bird flu so persistent in Asia and not elsewhere? Basically, because of the way they breed and kill chickens.

It is common to have farms in backyards, where humans, chickens and ducks (a natural host for the virus) all live closely together. Most chickens in Asia are reared in backyard farms. No wonder that the disease has been so severe throughout the area.
Plus there’s a lot more poultry (and people) these days – in China, the poultry population has risen from 12 million in 1968 to 13 billion today. (No one child policy in China for Chickens & Ducks)

Another Asian practice is slaughtering live birds in markets. Blood from an infected bird flowing freely is hazardous. Also, have you seen how the birds are kept? Chicken faeces – which carries the virus in infected birds – often goes un-cleaned in cages and on the floor. How often do markets get cleaned?

Most people I know buy their chickens frozen, however, the fresh ones on the supermarket shelf come from the local markets as described above.

Maybe a pandemic will never happen. But I don’t think we should just wait to find out. Governments should stay on high alert and, meanwhile, improve the way chickens are reared and killed. That’s something we should do anyway. But do you think the average guy slaughtering chicken in the market has any idea that he might start the next pandemic?

I think not.

Saturday 24 September 2005

In the News

How did he do it?

A newly married Romanian farmer fractured his penis after ogling his young wife while carrying a heavy sack of grain.
Farmer Gheorghe Popa, 52, from Galati, had been moving the grain sacks to the barn when he stopped to watch his 25-year-old wife Loredana hang up the washing.
He got himself over excited and dropped the sack on his erect penis, snapping vital tendons and ligaments.
Doctor Nicolae Bacalbasa said: "It was a bizarre accident, and he was in a lot of pain.
"We have done what we can for him but he may never regain use of the organ again, at least for sexual purposes."

"Cat Convertor"

A German inventor says he's found a way to make cheap diesel fuel out of dead cats.
Dr Christian Koch, 55, from Kleinhartmannsdorf, said his method uses old tyres, weeds and animal cadavers.
They are heated up to 300 Celsius to filter out hydrocarbon which is then turned into diesel..
He said the resulting "high quality bio-diesel" costs just 15 pence per litre.
Koch said the cadaver of a fully grown cat can produce 2.5 litres of fuel - meaning around 20 cats are needed for a full tank.
He said: "I tank my car with my own diesel mixture and have driven it for 105,000 miles without any problems."
He's lost that loving feline!
It's sure to be tigons - the product of a male tiger and a lioness - ligers are the cub of a male lion and female tiger . Either way it's pretty surreal. Bet you did not know this!
Posted by Picasa
Wet Wet Wet Posted by Picasa

Flooding

Flooding and attendant Miseries

There are basically two seasons in Jakarta, rainy & dry. Both are hot, one however is wetter than the other. April through September are generally dry months whereas the rest are predominately dry with lots of water thrown in for good measure.

The rainy season started early this year with moderate daily showers having started within the last week. Many parts of Jakarta are in low lying areas and consequently, when combined with a total lack of drainage the rainy season makes for an unpleasant six months for the denizens of these areas. It has been said that many of these residents have adapted to the bi-annual semi aquatic environment, however I have yet to see any evidence of webbed feet and gill adaptations on their necks.

When it rains, it chucks it down in humongous buckets, along with the statutory tropical thunderstorm which can be very entertaining. (As long as you are not on a golf course, under a tree with a lightning conductor connected to your testicles)      

When I first move here I lived on the 15th floor of an apartment building where the advance and retreat of these monstrosities could be viewed from a distance. When they became directly overhead, visibility dropped to zero, the thunder achieved deafening volume and the shock waves alone from these blasts was enough to set off the trembler alarms in parked cars below.

The incredible amount of water which is released on these events creates a visibility problem with ones line of sight being limited to less than 100 ft, not to mention the awesome volumes which collect in the aforementioned low lying areas. At the livestock market in Kemang last year, my bold driver (whose name cannot be mentioned for security reasons) and myself were driving into the floodwaters ( No Problem, Have Jeep Grand Cherokee will travel) and witnessed goats, cows and chickens in boxes floating, swimming on short tethers and jumping up and down trying to keep above the rising water levels. It had only started to rain 15 minutes beforehand.

The biggest problem is that these storms start to the south of Jakarta and rain falling on the extinct (well I hope they are extinct) volcanoes around Bogor, pours down the watercourses towards the sea in an almost flashflood fashion. Poor old Jakarta gets it every time and the rising tide from the myriad of small rivers hurtles through the city in no time.

Another side effect is that traffic almost grinds to an even slower standstill. While the slick roads and really deep puddles contribute greatly to this effect, the real reason is, as always the motorcyclists. If it rains they head for shelter, underpasses being a favourite. In less than five minutes during a storm, a three lane underpass becomes an instant bottleneck with up to a few hundred bikers hiding from the rain and the motorists in the more rainproof cars are unable to pass through. As you can imagine, dependant upon the length of the storm, the city can quickly grind to a halt.    

Being a desperately poor nation, the likelihood of anyone having Insurance against flooding is low, even though the situation re-occurs every year. So, once again it’s out of the house with the furniture, dig the house free of mud and hope that when the electricity comes back on that you don’t get zapped like the guy in the James Bond film that got the electrical appliance tossed at him while he was in the bath.

Wednesday 21 September 2005

Jakarta Burd Flu Supplier

Posted by Picasa





Mobile
Burd
Flu
Infector

(Thanks to Stick)

Emergency Services

When there is a fire, crime or a traffic accident, the emergency services are guaranteed to be late.

At a recent incident in Blok M, the Gold Market (which was lucky enough to have a fire station about 1 kilometer away) mysteriously caught fire and it took the fire fighters about 15 minutes to get there. Even better it took another 30 minutes to find a water source to power the pumps up and start fighting the fire. Total time from ringing to drenching about 45 minutes, needless to say another huge (and possibly planned) insurance claim was lodged. Much wailing and gnashing of teeth for the poor shopkeepers, much gleeful rubbing of hands and dreams of fat wallets from the landowners. (The area had been earmarked for redevelopment; however, there were issues in getting the shop owners to vacate their premises).

With the hard shoulder being used as another lane on the toll roads, the volume of traffic within the inner roads and a lack of ambulances, (research is underway to come up with an actual figure) the chances of getting the Jakartan St Johns Amberlance service zipping through the metropolis are almost zero.

Let’s see Jakarta has 12 million people resident with another 6 million within the suburbs. Imagine its heart attack time; you may as well kiss your ass goodbye!

However, another twist to this situation is the fact that they don’t have hearses, Ambulances perform this function. So approximately half of the emergency vehicles are being used for “transportation of stiffs” during daylight hours.

Every cloud has a silver lining. You’ve had your heart attack, Ambulance didn’t get to you until rigor mortis had firmly arrived, you have shifted off this mortal coil on the way to the pearly gates and finally, you get to travel through the city faster than a speeding bullet.

How is this you may well ask? Easy! Motor cycles with yellow flags do the trick! On the way to the cemetery, (and there are loads of them hidden away all over the shop) your bereaved family and mourners get big sticks with yellow flags attached to their motor cycles. At every major junction they dismount and control the traffic so that you, during the last ride of your existence on this planet do not have the indignity of being stuck in a traffic jam or waiting on the lights to change. Ironic, the dead travel quicker than the living. Unbelievably, everyone gets out of the way, the sea of traffic parts and wham bang thank you ma’am you’ve been planted before you know it.

The police of course are seemingly in control of the traffic problem and they let you know all about it. If the traffic is especially slow, if you’re getting punted from pillar to post through one way systems and you cannot see the car in front through the exhaust haze there is only one answer. The police are on traffic duty and trying to control the flow.

Almost every driver here has an innate feeling for how to avoid major snarl ups, road rage does not apparently exist and even though the way ahead is completely blocked by the omnipresent hordes of motorcycles, traffic normally flows relatively smoothly.

Then, boom, everything is dead stop and still, sure enough, each junction is being controlled by a policeman and you can forget about getting where you want to be on time, unless of course, you have all your mates on motor bikes waving yellow flags all over the shop.

Tuesday 20 September 2005

Burd Flu scare met with mixed reactions

From paranoia to indifference, Jakartans have displayed a whole range of attitudes toward the latest reports of bird flu.

As a group, mothers are among the most jittery over this latest health scare. Some mothers have told their children to stay clear of vendors with chickens on their carts.

In Bekasi, mothers would presumably add to keep of the roads due to the amount of people on motorbikes with “hunners of Kampung Chooks” roped together destined for Mie Ayam Georang (Chicken Fried Noodles) to be prepared by the roadside food shops.

Some Jakartans have released or sold their pet birds and chickens, fearful of keeping birds in their yards. Seems like the bastards did it on our street, normally there is the faint twittering of our feathered friends in the morning, however, at 5 AM today Alfred Hitchcock could have remade “The Birds” judging by the volume of these avain refugees.

Many residents living near Ragunan Zoo (where it appears the outbreak may have started) have begun taking preventive measures to protect against bird flu, including taking vitamin C tablets, which is unlikely to have an effect on the disease.

"This morning alone we sold 12 packs of vitamins, which is triple our daily sales," said an employee at the Citra Graha Medika drugstore located 200 meters from the zoo.

However, not all people living near areas where the H5N1 virus has been identified are taking such dramatic measures.

"Disease comes from God; if we do not harm our surroundings, there will be no problem," said Rudi Hartono, a 29-year-old food vendor in front of Ragunan Zoo.

Aye, I can just see it, the onslaught of deadlier viruses are a sign from the “Big Yin” who is telling us that we should pick our litter up, ride bicycles, plant tree’s and refrain from performing oral sex and other heinous bestial acts upon chickens.

I await the more serious repercussions to our harm on the surroundings, the problem here being that hygiene often seems to be of secondary importance, as can be witnessed anywhere on the streets. No Toilet, No problem, just whip it out, have a whiz and get back to cooking that bowl of Chicken Fried Noodles, OOPS, did he remember to wash his hands? (Another good reason not to eat from roadside vendors)

Anyway, must dash, got to get to the Citra Graha Medika drugstore so I can boost their sales further with a purchase of Vitamin packs to keep from getting BURD FLU.

Security Issues

Indonesia is probably best known for Bali, Bombs, Earthquakes and Tsunami’s. Out of the four, one is supposed to be paradise on earth, not much need to expand further on the other three except to say the latter two are natural while Bombs are certainly not.

The security issues within the archipelago are considered to be of the highest priority and much of this focus is evident in Jakarta with barricades, concrete block chicanes, high profile armed military forces and countless private security organizations protecting Banks, Government Buildings, Schools and Hotels.

Security is Indonesia’s growth industry, most expatriates have external security of some nature, every office and factory has their guards, bars, restaurants, petrol stations, you name it they have them. My driver, who for security reasons will remain un-named, was Head of Security for a company on the island of Batam. Training for this demanding position consisted of attending a Police Academy type camp where they ran around, drilled, availed themselves off lessons in how to blow a whistle, use a big stick and do a runner if there was any trouble. Comforting to know that the highest standards were employed in the creation of these elite private forces.

Jaga’s are another matter all together. They, for the most part are normal guys, who for a pittance of a wage will get in the way of the knife wielding marauder who is coming to nick your TV and rape your wife – NOT.

The Jaga’s function is basically to take the place of your Doberman, Pit Bull or Rottweiler without the dog shit. When the burglars arrive at the premises they first have to wake the Jaga up so he can raise the alarm, this could consist of whistling, screaming or flicking the lights on an off to attract the attention of the other Jaga’s on the street who will off course leg it in the opposite direction.

An acquaintance after having been soundly turned over with most of his goods and chattels having been swiftly siphoned from his premises, decided to review the security situation and went into overkill mode.

1)
He bought a very BIG dog
2)
He obtained CCTV around the perimeter of the premises, CCTV within the house and an Internet connection which allows one to remotely view the domestic routine from the office or any Internet Café.
3)
He arranged for 24 hour Police Protection comprising elite members of a special police group
4)
Managed to get hold of an extremely ilegal TASER (Wicked Electronic Stun Gun)

The TASER, as he put it was an afterthought, something to keep in the car in the event of problems while out and about. The new toy lay in the car unused, its efficiency untested, “Does this device really work” he thought to himself. A trial run became necessary so the dog got it! ZAP, the poor f**ker was on the floor, whimpering and twitching like something out of “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”. The results of Electro Convulsive Therapy seemed to satisfy the acceptance criteria for the functionality of said device, proof being the canine mass slobbering all over the marble floor. Took about 15 minutes for a recovery and the dog now keeps well away from his master. The TASER went back into the car, said gentleman is now comfortable about the stopping power (on dogs at least).

The real security issues however are very much kept out of the public eye. With the Government still searching for various radical individuals, there are unsubstantiated stories of police raids, vehicle searches, random stop & searches and tracing mobile phones. All very common practices within a siege environment, however, kept very quiet in the local media. (Ironically, ask your average Jakartan about the latest news and he will tell you the names of the suspects, where they were born, what their grandmother had for breakfast and what car he was last seen driving).

Having said all that, theft is a very common problem. If there is an interesting way to steal, someone in Jakarta probably invented it.

Road Crimes

In the past a common form of thievery was to snatch women's purses or men's watches through the open windows of cars at stop lights. The prevalence of air-conditioned cars today has reduced the opportunity for these petty thieves. Keeping your car doors locked at all times while in a car or taxi is mandatory.
Another method is to for naughty people to scatter tacks or nails in the street, and then they “offer to help” motorists who stop for flat tyres ... soon thereafter the assistance turns into a robbery. Knives and sickles are said to be the weapon of choice for most criminals who target car passengers and drivers. If you are stopped, it's best to surrender whatever is requested without a fight as their desperation can lead to violent acts. ( You’ll get a good gubbing) Others have chosen to drive on with the flat tyres - until they get to a well-lit public place to attend to the (then ruined) tyres.

In 2000 stories started circulating about people on the road who discovered their tyres were smoking. Of course they stop to see what the problem is, and then a group of locals begins to force their help upon them ... when in fact there is NOTHING wrong with the tyre. They had poured some substance on the road down the way ... knowing that many drives would notice the smoking tyres and stop their car down the road a ways.

Taxi crime

Crime perpetrated in taxis has been growing in recent years. The most common way of getting rolled is when the taxi driver stops to talk to a friend or give a friend a ride and the unwitting passengers are set upon and robbed by the group of vagabonds that are in cahoots with the taxi driver.

Another recent innovation is that the driver pushes back his chair and traps the passenger behind him by trapping his/her legs ... then they turn and rob you. If you are alone in a taxi, always sit on the left hand side in the back.

I was told by a seasoned veteran of many a campaign that he always checks to see that the child safety locks are not switched on and that the windows have handles. His claim is that some taxis are set up to minimize your escape routes with the handles taken off for the back seat windows and the child safety locks are activated - which means that you can't open the door from the inside. Clever people these rascals.

Public crime

The reaction of the crowd who takes the law into their own hands does much to deter public crime in Indonesia. Pickpockets who are caught in the act are often beaten by crowds that quickly form when the victim cries out in outrage. Often a pickpocket is caught by others who are on the watch for the personal safety of those around them.
Having seen at close hand a crowd really tearing into someone whose crime remains unknown to me, it reminded me of watching the wrestling on TV during Saturday afternoons many years ago. The wrestling takes second place to the ringside behaviour of the old grannies in the front row. These old Jakartan grannies were ripping into the poor bugger, half Nelsons, Boston Crabs and the Vulcan Death Grip while even the kids joined in with big sticks. GREAT!

Nightclub crime

Another plan of attack amongst thieves is to look for inebriated expatriates leaving a nightclub and follow them home where they would be robbed in their car/taxi or at their home in collaboration with a 'working girl' . There is no need to state the quite obvious precautions that could be taken to avoid being the victim of crime in these circumstances.

Alas, on the horizon, new threats approach and for the meantime the security policies have taken a second place to the new enemy, Avian Bird Flu. More on this looming crisis later.

Sunday 18 September 2005

Scary Very Very Scary

Stephen King could not have written a story that would even half compare to the complete horror of trying to get to work in Jakarta. The first rule is “Do not look”; this applies indiscriminately to both passengers and drivers.

At first I rather enjoyed the “newness” of it all, driving past areas of apparent jungle, paddy fields and small agricultural settlements on the commute between South West Jakarta and South East Jakarta. This soon waned as I realized that the whole route was in essence an extended rubbish tip. There’s something about rubbish here which ensures that none of it ends up being disposed of correctly, it either ends up on the ground, providing a multi coloured back drop to the lush vegetation or gets burned in one of the multitudinous bonfires which line the route.

Then there are the beggars, every major junction or intersection has them, you name it, they have it missing, legs, arms, teeth, and eyes-the lot! As if that was not enough, we have the bands of roving minstrels, charlatans and vagabonds with guitars, strumming tunelessly as they weave their way on and off buses, all trying to part a small token from your wallet. There have been reports of people in cars talking on the telephone at the traffic lights and then whoosh, your mobile has been nicked. Lovely stuff…

The majority of the journey takes place on the Toll Roads, of which there are not enough. The transport system here has many planned motorways, however, property speculators who are “in the know” purchase parcels of land along the proposed highway route and then hold out for maximum return on investment when the authorities try to obtain said land for the project development Accordingly, the maps of Jakarta have lots of little dotted lines which say “Outer Ring Road (Proposed)” which have never been developed due to the financial see-sawing involved in trying to buy the land.

At least on the Toll Roads there are no motorbikes. This at least removes one potential hazard from the journey, but fear not, buses and trucks offer new and exciting ways to get creamed on the journey.

The best are the long distance buses, crammed full of travelers trying to get from Jakarta to West Java, Surabaya, Yogokarta, Medan, and all other populated areas. These juggernauts all have a commonality, exhaust systems which belch smoke that Belsen would be proud off, drivers who obtained their licenses in a Lucky Bag (showing my age there) and passengers who obey rule number One which was mentioned at the beginning of the epistle(DO NOT LOOK! ).

Whereas in most developed nations, buses and trucks are required to stay within the first two inside lanes on the motorway, here this rule does not apply. Imagine that you are the driver of the Thrust Teams Rocket Car, attempting to break the land speed record, your foot is pedal to the metal, acceleration is making your eyeballs squash in the back of their sockets and veins on your neck are throbbing with the G Force and pressure. As you watch the speedometer needle touch the line that says “Sound Barrier” an Indonesian bus cuts across four lines of highway and blasts the air horn saying “Get Out of the Fu**ing Way”.

Truck drivers are no less responsible. It is not unusual to have all four lanes filled with trucks, each of which is loaded to the gunnels with “STUFF”, and they all trundle. (Good word that – Trundle) No speeding involved here, the truck tyres are already so bald that the temperatures created by driving any faster than 25MPH would cause them to burst.

Eventually having overcome all obstacles, you reach work. A chance for rest and relaxation before you have to get back in the car for the return leg of the daily nightmare.

Stephen King – eat your heart out- the roads in Indonesia are for real.

Sunday Brunch

It was quietly pointed out that the original submission was, not to put too fine a point on it - brutal.

It was also pointed out that I would never be allowed into the said establishment for the monthly Oil, Gas & Minimg free beers if they found out what I had originally written. (Not that I have ever been there for this freebie in the past)

So, discretion being the better part of valour I have ammended the submission to read as follows:

Paragraph One - Deleted

Paragraph Two - Deleted

Paragraph Three - Deleted

Paragraph Four - Mostly Deleted

"Next Up was the BBQ itself "

Balance of Paragraph Four Deleted.

Paragraph Five - Deleted

The last bit of the posting made reference to the new advertising craze where a bar sends an SMS to let you know what's happening. I deleted that paragraph as well.

For all you people out there who receive nuisance calls, SMS or MMS. Block them! Check out a web site called http://www.killermobile.com. Get a product called Blackballer and keep all this unwanted intrusion away from you door. Also handy if like me you inherited a telephone number from someone of gregarious nature with "hunners" of lady friends... (Good for the Bank Manager as well)

Happy now!

Saturday 17 September 2005

The Road to Aberdeen: Sent by DSSA Dubai Posted by Picasa
Ma Hoose in Jakarta Posted by Picasa
For when one feels homesick!  Posted by Picasa
The latest thing in Jakarta Toilet Accessories. Available soon in India and the Middle East Posted by Picasa
Says it all! How to market latest mobile phone technology in Indonesia Posted by Picasa

Orang Utang Foreplay

Must be something in the Water. Taman Safari Residents getting it on!  Posted by Picasa

A Complete Non Event

The Fabled "Shagging for the Ashes" did not take place. In a Viagra fuelled frenzy, the competitors instead got hammered watching the Aussie Rules St Kilda vs Sydney Swans game.

With a few of the contenders displaying "tent like" extensions below the waist, it was left to the individuals to pursue relief, which thankfully went unreported.

Another possibly great sporting moment wasted!

Whilst the challenge still stands, other avenues to regain national pride await the Aussies and we are standing by with baited breath to discover what depravity will be entailed in this future conflict.

It's a sunny morning in Jakarta (all this means is that the exhaust smog has not yet drifted into the upper atmosphere to hide the sun), birds are singing, the Masak Pagi (breakfast) sellers are out in the streets, security guards are waking up after their nightly slumber and the question of what to do in Jakarta on a Sunday is the main issue for the day.

While there are many tourist attractions and options, it does not take long before one has exhausted these. We have been to Seaworld Indonesia, Taman Safari(more on this attraction at a later date) Ancol Waterpark, Duni Fantaisa( Fantasy World-just a huge fun fair), Batavia Cafe and just about every shopping mall in Jakarta. The major problem with venturing out to these venues is - as always - getting there.

It seems more likely that the winner for the day will be sitting by the pool, going somewhere for lunch and watching Manchester United vs Liverpool at six o'clock this evening.

Sunday is however, shopping day for most native Jakartans, almost every shopping centre is inundated with hordes of people, apparently all buying nothing. Most malls have some form of entertainment, dancers, live bands, karaoke etc which raises the volume level considerably. It is however, quite an enjoyable experience as long as you sit in one of the bars, sipping cool Bintang and watch the world go round.

On the subject of live bands, one enterprising group of individuals grabbed my attention last night. Outside of "The Beat" in an area called Kemang, a Dangdut(progressive Indonesian modern music) performance took place on the roadside. The stage area was the bars car park, the instruments were guitars, bass and drums, the singers danced around and encouraged passers-by to join in (unfortunately the spectators were all male, accordingly the dancing was of a relatively low standard).

The best part was the amplification. A barrow about six feet in length had been converted into a massive "Boogie Box". The lower section was filled with car batteries and an inverter which powered , wait for it, three guitar amps and a PA system. Awesome stuff. With twenty foot guitar leads, the band were able to leap around, using the roadway in a manner similar to Keith Richards prowling the stage at Wembly Arena. While I waited for a taxi to arrive, it was probably the best ten minutes I have spent in a while.

I can hear movement downstairs, Cartoon Network has just started up, time for breakfast and quiet contemplation on what the day will bring.....

Refuse Collection - Jakarta Style

The Jakarta Bin Man - No big trucks and compactors here. Posted by Picasa

Friday 16 September 2005

Driving In Jakarta

Getting the hang of things now......

About to head off to watch the boys preparing for the "Shagging for the Ashes", regular Bintang (1/2 pints for those not knowing) to wash down the Vitamin "F" pills and then off to the 6th Floor (disreputable establishment) to perform the dirty deed for their countries honour.

The problem about getting anywhere here is that there are unique traffic rules which I thought I may share here for all to learn.

HOW TO DRIVE IN INDONESIA

To operate a motor vehicle in Indonesia you must understand the rules of transportation in an entirely different way. Definitions you thought were above re-definition will immediately be re-defined. Please pay attention.

THE ROAD: this includes not only the paved portion of the highway, but also what we might call "the verge", "the curb", "the pavement", "the front yard", "the roadside restaurant", and "the monastery". The paved portion of the roadway is generally one lane wide. Not one lane in each direction; one lane!

RESPECT: All animals are granted the greatest respect. It is presumed that, being highly evolved creatures, chickens and dogs and the like know how to side step a Toyota Corolla doing 78 mph on a wet road during a national religious holiday.

The same position of honor is granted to small children, men with 30 kg hay on their heads, unattended oxcarts, and elderly women in mystical trances. Swerving, or slowing down to avoid these beings would cause them considerable dishonor.

DISHONOUR: getting from morning to night whilst remaining in the same incarnation

LANES: These colourful white and yellow markings wish a hearty "welcome" to every traveler. They have no other function.

PASSING: This is the national sport. Observant motorists may encounter the vertical triple (passing three vehicles in the one acceleratory movement); the horizontal triple (passing a vehicle that is itself passing a vehicle); or even rare double-double (passing a vehicle at precisely the same time that another vehicle, coming from the other direction, is also engaged in the act of passing)

TAIL NOSING: What to do when not passing

BEING PASSED: This is an insult not to be endured. The greater the differential between your vehicle (say, a broken tricycle) and the passing vehicle (say, a Boeing 747-400), the greater the potential loss of prestige. The owner of the less powerful vehicle must do everything in his/her power to thwart any attempts to be overtaken.

SEATBELTS: These are absolutely unnecessary. Not only are they not worn, in most cases they are not even supplied. Passengers are fully protected by the horn (see below).

LIGHTS: Rapidly blinking, the headlights can mean many things, including "OK to pass now", "Dangerous to pass now", get out of the way", or "may you find the silver thread in the linen lining of your existence". It takes years, sometimes entire lifetimes, to learn this subtle and intriguing intuitive nonverbal communication skill. Generally, you have about 3 seconds.

THE HORN: When sounded loudly and frequently enough, the horn sets up an invisible energy barrier protecting the vehicle and its inhabitants from all harm. The faster the vehicle is going the better the horn works. This is the central concept of motoring.

ACCIDENTS: These are rare. They are usually the result of a malfunctioning horn.

Several other driving conventions have developed over years of accepted practice. They include:
1.
Drivers of wheeled vehicles keep to the left-hand side of the road, except when it is not convenient.
2.
The solid white line in the center of the road means "no crossing". If you are to the right of it, stay there.
3.
When turning right, first steer suddenly to the left lane, and then swerve diagonally aiming directly at the turnoff. This maneuver can be aided by passengers waving a limp wrist out he window, preferably both sides.
4.
Kijangs (local equivalent to a Diahatsu Feroza) may not carry more than 24 passengers (excluding chickens, children, goats, ducks etc)
5.
Motorcyclists may not stay in the same lane for more than 20 feet
6.
Motorcycles should not carry more than six people, unless they are members of the same family (or at least very good friends). There is no restriction on the length or number of Bamboo poles that may be carried.
7.
Passengers on motorcycles may not carry more than one TV
8.
Taxis should not carry any more than 8 passengers, or 2749 chickens at one time
9.
Pedestrians must look straight ahead and move across the road at a constant speed

Bearing all of the above in mind, I am off to the pub with my trusty driver, who needless to say drives just like the rest of the nutters on the roads.

Later

Seems to work

Forgot password, forgot username and discovered all is not as simple as it seems.....

However, on with the show.

For info, I am Scottish and living in Jakarta. The chance to get views and thoughts out to others always appealed yet, the right vehicle never seemed available. I will endeavour to post as often as possible and try to include the lighter side of life as often as possible, somewhat difficult in these troubled times.

Jakarta is one of these strange places which seems exotic and tempting from afar, however, when immersed within the city, it is both oppressive and without question very bad for your health.

Pollution, congestion and the perpetual tropical warmth are the everyday fare. Every available space on the streets are filled with roadside vendors, all ambitiously competing with each other for small returns. It often seems that there is nothing you cannot purchase from these small businesses, although, in truth I have yet to summon the courage to eat anything from the numerous street kitchens. I imagine that it probably has something to do with the fact that whatever you eat has been cooked with a side order of car exhaust.

There are a substantial number of Expats living here, a mix between European, American and Australian. Our Aussie friends are a bit despondent at the moment due to their having lost "The Ashes" during some inane sporting confrontation called test cricket.

However, to put a brave face on things, a group of individuals comprising "Aussies" and "Poms" are endeavouring to re-enact at least one of these tests today in a ritual which has been dubbed "Shagging for the Ashes".

The essential rule of this encounter is that both teams venture into a disreputable establishment, pair off with a dusky maiden and proceed with the shagging part of the game. Upon completion, the girls are to report on the proceedings and the teams will be marked accordingly. Use of Viagra and Cialis is apparently mandatory.

The winning team takes possession of the charred remains of a Jumbo Size Condom Box, contained within a Beer Bintang Ashtray and toddle off to their favourite ale house to get wasted.

More on the results of this encounter later.

As this is a trial run, I will keep this short. Still much to learn about the martial art of Blogging.......

Test

This is all new to me, I've read blogs, laughed at blogs yet never understood the mechanism of blogging, well there is always a first. This is a test to see if I can navigate blogging succesfully.

Rosko

Footnote: Within an hour of posting said message, the comments box was attached by nefarious leeches who added SPAM mail to the comments. I have now overcome this shortsightedness and hope that these illiterate Motherf**kers cannot get into this website.....(Fat Chance methinks)