I was reading the Jakarta Post this week and discovered this hogwash which passed itself as news during the Chinese New Year celebrations.
Chinese New year has been and gone, the Year of the Pig has snorted into the background while the Year of the rat is padding and scuttling it’s way into our lives.
Astrologers, psychics, Feng Shui practitioners and other fuckwits have gone on record with their expectations for this coming 52 weeks and I’ll be honest – we’re Doooomed.
At least the floods and storms of 2007 have gone but, according to the crystal ball and tea leaf brigade, we are all going to get royally fucked this year.
"The volcanic mounts of Anak Krakatau, Merapi and Kelud, which last year did not generate a relatively huge explosion, may spew their infernal lava this year," Jakarta-based feng shui expert Master Bates told The Jakarta Post, placing the eruptions between March and August.
He carried on, "To tell you the truth, I am so worried about these three volcanoes... I hope this time my prediction misses." Stupid twat, I thought you were the fucking expert. And anyway, what does telling people about where to position their furniture have to do with fortune telling?
In conflict with mainstream Chinese astrology that defines the next year as an "Earth" year, Master Bates now claims that it will be a “Fire” year which supposedly is a mixture off “the sky element with its positive soil and the earth element with its positive water, producing "fire thunder".
So here I am, in my home, watching the thunder and lightning outside, rain pissing down and trying to visualize “fire thunder ” presumably with a bit of “soiled cloth” from within my trousers as I hide my head under the blanket and reach for another cold Bintang to ease my frightened little mind. Fuckwits, the lot of them!
Not to be outdone, in Surabaya another fuckwit, feng shui practitioner Putrid Mong Fuk Yu has had the same vision of the three volcanoes. "I don't know when they will erupt. But if we all repent, they will not explode as a volcanic eruption is actually an admonition of us humans," she said.
Yay for repentance! I shall ask forgiveness for all the wrong things I did last year, most noticeably the
I shall also apologise for the night I pissed in the laundry basket when drunk (no picture attached, even I have standards) and all the visits to the Go-Go bars I made when I was in Thailand.
That should do the trick, the elements should be well pleased at my repentance! (Mum, if you are reading this I’m sorry, I promise to stop smoking and not swear so fucking much as well).
Putrid Mong Fuk Yu carries on with “The positive soil of the sky element will take the form of dried out and infertile soil, triggering water scarcities and extreme drought, particularly for people living on the Equator.” No pardon me, ecologists have been rabbiting on about this for years, placing the blame squarely on global warming, deforestation and pollution. There was me getting it all wrong, it’s the “Sky Element’s” fault – silly me!
But, Master Bates goes even further with his theory on “Fire Rat’s” Apparently they are also seen as posing a threat to warehouses and other combustible assets and business people are warned to be cautious. Fuck me, that’s a no brainer. I’m sure if I saw a rat running past me with its arse on fire heading into a fireworks warehouse I’d be cautious.
Not content with scaring the populace with tales of exploding warehouses, he gets a dig in on politics which he claims “will be less rowdy than last year as the wood element, which symbolizes politicians, does not float up in the Fire Rat year”.
"They (the politicians) may appear to be quiet on the surface but they are scheming their dirty tricks.... Graft allegations by politicians to knock down their rivals will be one of the tricks since in a Fire Rat year, corruption may worsen," Shit on a stick, Master Bates, it’s bloody Indonesia, tell me how the hell corrption can get worse than it has ben?
But, on a lighter and positive note, Dutch-born soothsayer Madame Lololaf has also predicted a year of disasters and agreed with her colleagues on the subject of volcanic eruptions.
She does have some good news -- Indonesian scientists will find a cure for HIV/AIDS (buggered if I know what and where this is going to come from) - but a new mysterious disease will start killing animals.
Great, I presume migratory sheep from the UK will bring Bluetongue and all the bird’s will die preventing the spread of Bird Flu. Or maybe it will be a side effect from the cure for HIV/AIDS.
Take it from me, Fuckwits the lot of them……. But, on a finishing note, this blows the Astrology Myth wide open!
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