The Story of Oz......(For Mum)

I got this at the end off an e-mail from my mother...

" I follow your Blog nearly every day –it helps to keep track of you , but not what you get up to! "

So Mum, this one is for you.......

Having been told that I had to attend a set of meetings in Adelaide (plans were changed about three times before the date was finalised)and thus, the first part of my Australian adventure was underway.

At the last minute I grabbed the opportunity to get off the plane at Sydney before flying on to the business part of the schedule. I have a few friends there so it was easy to make quick plans, alter my flights and off I went.

Got on the Airbus A380 in Singapore through the new Terminal 3 and all seemed to be going to plan. The jetway's onto the plane were a vast improvement over T1 & T2



While on board the monster the seating was pretty spacious and the in flight entertainment system allowed for the use off Flash Drives and intranet connections from your laptop to the entertainment console.



Should have known better, one hour out the plane developed a problem and we headed back to Singapore to be offloaded onto a Jumbo and I noted that the Ambulances, Fire Engines and Crash Trucks escorted the Airbus to the Terminal on our return to Changi.

There was not a peep from the Singaporean Press about this, perhaps national pride was at stake!

Arriving at my hotel in Sydney 6 hours late I was informed that my nights booking for the night before was not refundable and thus, my first A$210 was lost. Then, the shock when I got to the room and discovered it was in fact a fucking wardrobe sized compartment had me growling...one quick whisky later I relaxed, thinking the view from here is not that bad!



Out and about, I travelled through the adjacent Mall and went down to Darling harbour itself and settled down to a beer and enjoyed the scenery at the waterfront.



Sydney is a strange mix of old and new, especially the central business district, which makes for pleasing scenery, but, despite the readily available public transport system (Monorail, Underground, Buses etc) walking was the easiest way around the place.



Beers were in order, there's another acquaintance I have in Sydney but I had lost his telephone number, so, I went searching for him in one of the bar's he mentioned that he drank in. No luck in finding him in the Three Monkeys but about four beers later I decided to move on in search of food.



Having arranged to meet my friends later, with the aid of a map I managed to find the road where our meeting place was and went searching for something to eat.

Outside one bar there was an advert for Steaks at A$7 each, so not really paying attention I entered and ordered one. Got a beer, headed for a table on a balcony area outside and took a look at the clientele. Bugger me blind it was a poofter shop, which was confirmed by the sign on the wall behind me....



One very fast Steak later, I met up with my mate who had decided that we should partake of a little night life before meeting the rest of the group so off we headed to King's Cross which is much like Soho in London but very far removed from Nana Plaza in Thailand...



Behind the glitzy facade there was an unfortunate sight for the weary traveller, the entertainment centres of Sydney really do need a lick of paint! (I would also recommend washing the floors occasionally to get the sperm residue removed)



We met the remarkable Joe here. Nothing much to say about him except...



By this time, it was getting near time to meet the main group, the venue was "The Columbian" on Oxford Street. Now. the only thing I have to complain about the maps and tourist guides in Sydney is that they do not mention little things like, "OXFORD STREET IS GAY CENTRAL"

I should have known after the Steak incident, but, that was nothing compared to the "I'm on the pink side off the bus attitude" which was on show on the second floor off this shop.



There were a lot of gay deaf people, I got the impression that chatting each other up over a busy bar was easy using sign language, some of which even I could understand. Figuring out who was "mummy" and who was "daddy" was relatively easy here.

Eventually, I had to give in and go for a piss, it was like walking the plank in a Pirate Movie, but nothing prepared me for the Vending Machine. Wipe on Pheromones, use responsibly...




That was it, quick piss, wash hands, finish drink and then offski, I had just about had enough off gayness for the night and headed back to the hotel, planning on doing the tourist stuff the next day.

Never got that far before the next eye opener...



Turns out it was an advert for orthopedic shoes.....

The next morning was a bit off a disappointment as when I opened the curtains I discovered that the sun from the day before had gone, in it's place were patchy clouds which did not bode well for the rest of the day.



So, map in hand I headed for a walk around Darling Harbour to Cockle Bay intending to start the harbour cruise from there. I had been recommended to take a Captain Cook cruise but discovered that I could not buy a ticket in Cockle Bay, instead I had to travel over to Circular Quay to the main office. This time I cheated and did not walk as it seemed to be quite a walk, so by combination of Monorail and Taxi I made my way over to the jetty and all the while, the weather got steadily worse.



A$32 dollars later with ticket in hand I got on board the boat and did the tourist routine. Sydney Opera House and Harbour Bridge are adjacent to Circular Quay and images that I have seen on TV and the Net for years were suddenly very real, albeit grey and wet.



After maneuvering through the dense Harbour traffic the boat sped off and, to my surprise I no longer cared about the weather. I remember as a kid in Scotland watching images of Sydney Harbour Bridge and thinking "I'd like to see that someday"

Last Sunday, forty years later was that day!



For 175 Ozzie Dollars you can go on a 3-1/2 hour crossing of Harbour Bridge, over the top. I think about 1-1/2 hours of that is a safety briefing and the balance is the climbing expedition. From the boat, these adventurers looked decidedly wet, but I'll bet it was a thrill of a lifetime being up there.



Off around the Harbour area the boat traveled quickly past Fort Denison which was a Penal Colony drop off point. In sunny weather I suppose the prisoners probably thought "Hmm, nice one, loads better than Pentonville" but on a day like last Sunday I suppose it must have appeared pretty grim.



Next stop was Watson's Bay, a millionaires playground which seemed like the kind of place I'd like to stay in. Real Estate around this area seemed just a bit pricey for me, but, nonetheless a pretty classy area. (Apparently Nicole Kidman and Russell Crowe live around here but don't quote me on that one)



Leaving Watson's Bay I noticed another of these bothersome Ozzie Regulations which apparently prohibits waving... bugger it, I broke the law! (Sorry for the picture quality)



Back on Circular Quay, I decided to get off, being pretty drenched and the rain was getting heavy. I could still have travelled onto Darling Harbour and Luna Park Fun Fair, but hunger and the need for beer got the better of me.



Once off the boat, the area beside Circular Quay next to the bridge is called "The Rocks" and is considered the birthplace of colonial Australia. Established in 1788 it was the site of the original Penal Colony and the buildings, although I suspect having been renovated maintain that "Prison Spirit"

There is a market on George Street on Saturdays and Sundays and there is also a very nice little Irish Pub which sells the best "Bangers and Mash" this side of Dubai Airports "Irish Village"



Replete with quality sausage and copious quantities of beer I gave up, headed back to the hotel for sleep and the onward journey to Adelaide the next day!

On Monday, the weather if anything had gotten worse and so it was back to the airport and off to Adelaide. This was to be my first encounter with the "famous Qantas service" and I wish it had been my last. Lunch was a sandwich which was thrown at me by a steward who I think I spotted in the gay bar on the Saturday night.

At A$ 538 Dollars for a return flight (distance each way about 500 miles) I was also shocked to discover that drinks were charged at A$ 7 a glass. Even watching the great southern land passing under the plane did not help as there is literally miles and miles off fuck all!



That was until Adelaide hove into view and the scenery started to change...apparently it has not rained in Adelaide for a few years, yet, it still appeared lusher than the Australia I had been travelling over for the previous 1-1/2 hours.



Although called the "City of Churches" it should have been renamed "City of Bungalow's" there is one area downtown with a couple of small time high rise buildings, the rest of the city is monotonously single storey.



Checked into my hotel and it was back to normal sized hotel rooms. The Stamford Plaza (Yup, that "Raffles" fucker gets everywhere) is on the edge of the central business district and overlooks Adelaide Museum and the Railway Station.



Being a bit of an anorak I decided to check the trains out, only to discover that the station is in fact a Casino. I have an aversion to such places so wandered around till I recharged my "Sydney bled wallet" at an ATM on Grenfell St.



Adelaide is much easier to traverse than Sydney, but was considerably colder, despite the clear skies. Lacking Sydney's monorail for public transport it has tramcars which whoosh around with that strange "electric noise" that only trams have. Realising that I remembered this sound I figured out that the last time I had heard that hushed drone was when I was possibly three or four years old in Glasgow. Strange memories came back to me, and I must admit I am unsure if this was a real "deja heard" experience or imagination.

The other strange thing was that the trams bore adverts, not for Shampoo and Cereals, but Safety Messages which displayed some quite chilling facts. (Note, the Advert states that each Red Sillhouette indicates a person who has been killed or injured on South Australia's roads since April 1st this year)



A couple of beers and a Stonegrilled Ozzie Fillet Steak later (very nice they were as well) I buggered of back to the room and got my head down as the main reason I was there was of course business...



The hotel, nice as it was had one major flaw, it was too effing quiet. The AC on high fan was not enough to create that background noise I need for sleep, so, the only alternative was to open the room window and allow some traffic noise to filter in from ten floors below. Adelaide is pitch dark at night, presumably power consumption limits are in place, so, with very little light I made my way to the window to open it and connected my toe firmly onto the leg of a chair... bastard!

Next morning, it was confirmed that I had a broken toe...



And it got worse from there on. The meeting was a success, although my presentation must have looked like a comedy act with the broken toe shuffle accenting facts and figures. After the meeting, beers, a meal at an Argentinian Steak Joint was pretty good, but the evening was spoiled as in the taxi on the way back my phone disconnected from my belt clip and that was the last I saw of it.

Wednesday morning I checked in for the return flight to Sydney and was informd the flight was cancelled. Re-booked on a flight departing 50 minutes later I was assured that connections in Sydney were OK. After boarding the flight, the captain announced that the plane had a problem and we would be airbourne in 30 minues. Of course this was not the case. The flight arrived in Sydney in time for me to see my Airbus A380 pushing back from the terminal without me.

I will not go into detail but Qantas were absolute cunts about the whole deal and that perhaps demands a separate post on its own.

Cutting a long story short, I arrived back in Jakarta 13 hours late, but, I had to admit, there was quite a pleasant feeling about being back in the warm and back to a more sedate pace of existence.




So, that was it... feeling better Mum, now you know what I get up to:

nothing at all!