The Tattooed Fuckwit Fraternity

In an awesome display of fuckwittery, two men underwent a significant amount of tattooing in order to qualify for government work in Jakarta. This pair of idiots from Bojonegoro district of East Java were correctly assumed by the perpetrator as being “a few sandwiches short of a picnic” and I imagine a certain amount of celebration is going on in the pranksters house since the story hit the worlds press.



The pair had their faces tatooed after village chief Pak Sawftuch told them he had received a text message from a government official offering them work as Jakarta intelligence officers. (Great, I read this as being the only mobile phone in the village and the chief goes from door to door dispensing text messages which he receives)

The official, who said it was a job requirement to have their faces tattooed with dragons, was later discovered to be a hoaxer — but not before Nanang, 30, and Bambang, 40, had already undergone the painful and disfiguring procedure.

The three men believe the anonymous trickster was a kind of "mystic", as they didn't feel in control of their actions when following his strange instructions.

"I was half conscious when the shop owner tattooed my face, and didn't think it was a con," victim Bambang said.

"I just realized it was a con on Friday night. I was shocked and I cried."

A horrified Sawftuch realised he had been tricked when double-checking the bizarre request with a legitimate government representative.

"I am fully responsible for the mistake and I will do my best to help the men remove their tattoos,'' the village fuckwit was quoted as saying.

"I don’t know why I believe that person.

"I feel half conscious when I follow the man's instructions."

Indonesian police say that the tattoo incident was the third hoax of its kind to have been pulled recently. (I must have missed the other two but one wonders if the crimes are related, and, in addition, when they find out "whodunnit" what will he be charged with?)

The men have filed a police report and are being treated in a local hospital.

Fuckwits, the lot off them!

How to avoid Police Fines!

In a shocking discovery a mate of mine was apparently stopped by the Jakarta Brownshirts yesterday for an illegal traffic move and being a tight arsed bastard decided he was not going to pay!


Insisting that his wallet was at home along with driving license, ID, money etc he was released on condition that police visited him at his office this morning to review his "documents"

This was considered acceptable and he handed the cops his business card...except it was someone elses card!

Some poor fucker will be getting a visit from Jakarta's finest this morning, and worse, the victim does not drive, does not have a license and only met my mate on Friday night!

What a c*nt!

Raving Monster Looney Party (Not in Indonesia)

Candidates looking to be elected to seats in Riau Provincial and Pekanbaru Mayoralty Legislatures could not be arsed fulfilling the requirements of their candidacy and sent “look-alikes” to regulation health tests ahead of the 2009 general election.

From the Jakarta Post:

"The misdemeanor was disclosed when the paramedic team discovered popular figures, wanting to contend in the upcoming legislative election, had sent other people to take the medical examination (on their behalf)," a spokesman of the General Hospital in Pekanbaru, said yesterday.

Apparently, this is not the first incident as this had already happened at Tampan Mental Hospital, where candidates had to undergo a series of mental tests.

"The unfair practice was uncovered when written test results were found to differ from interview results," said a “Doctor”.

"All cheating candidates are required to redo all the tests." (How can they re-do them if they never did them in the first place?)

Now, the interesting thing is not the fact they cheated (they are after all Indonesian Politicians) but, the fact they were undergoing “Mental Tests”

What’s the pass mark? What do you discover about your candidate?

And more importantly, why is it only Indonesia that makes this mandatory. (Citations required)

Think of the state of world politics today would be if all elected politicians had to pass a “Mental Test”.

Seems that these dudes took the pretence pretty seriously as most candidates appear to have paid their proxies between US$54 to $108 for the written exam, which is a great deal of money in Pekanbaru……..

Nail traps possible ahead of Idul Fitri (And some facts the Police should never have mentioned)

Here we go again. Ramadan has not yet started and the thieves and thugs are planning in advance for the major holiday of Idul Fitri which starts at the end of Ramadan.

Last week the Jakarta Post posted this warning..

Potential thieves are likely to spread nails on busy roads ahead of the Idul Fitri holiday, officers of the traffic management center (TMC) at city police headquarters are warning.

The police predicted the trend would continue this year, with perpetrators trying to take advantage of motorcycle riders returning to their hometowns.

"We regularly sweep the nails on the street, but the perpetrators keep doing it. Even officers who ride motorcycles have been victims,"

Not unusual news for Jakarta, but bear with me, there is a sting in the tail of this story!

Last Monday the traffic police swept under the bypass leading from Semanggi Plaza to the Blok M bus station Sunday with magnetic equipment, collecting one kilogram of nails. The officers later distributed the nails to the city park agency.

One is not sure if the parks department knows what to do with them given that

a) there are very few parks

b) those few that exist are in such disrepair it is unlikely the parks department have ever visited them.

This leaves another option

c) – Sell the nails for thieves to dump them on the roads . Result = Profit)

I know I have mentioned this before, but, here is how it works as told by the Jakarta Post.

Perpetrators have been known to use the nails to stop motorists, with the intention of robbing them. According to the scheme, thieves station themselves near the scattered nails, offering to assist victims forced to stop due to punctured tires.

They then “blag them” making off with wallets, phones, whatever they can get in fact.

What makes the annual Idul Fitri exodus more lucrative is the fact that the motorbike, as well as carrying a family of four will be laden with Gifts and in many cases, the obligatory kitchen sink. Rich pickings indeed.

Regarding these crimes, to date police had not yet made any arrests in connection with the nails.

How are the crime busters dealing with this…read on! (The sting in the tale)

"It's difficult to gather evidence because the perpetrators move from spot to spot," he said, adding police received information on the nails from motorists text-messaging 1717, the police contact number.

Police could not rely on the use of closed circuit televisions (CCTV) stationed at major thoroughfares because the majority no longer functioned.

It gets better. If you were in charge of CCTV surveillance in a city the size of Jakarta, would you reveal the chinks in your armour, Oh No! But here the cops carried on with….

"We only have around ten CCTVs. The rest have reached the end of their shelf life and can no longer be used," he said.

Last month, it was announced they would be able to access 150 CCTVs operated by the city administration, to help with monitoring efforts. The City police only possess 40 such televisions, most of which are faulty.

Our Brown Shirted friends said the city administration CCTVs had not been accessible due to technical problems. Technical Problems, more like the boot on the other foot with the Cops having to pay someone off to use the Camera’s – a sort off Criminal Pay Per View.

I think the thing that disturbed me most was that small towns with a population of 50-60 thousand people in the UK probably have 200 CCTV’s active within them. Jakarta, with is millions have 190 units, most of which “are fucked”!

No wonder the thugs love this place.

Mair Blue Energy

In an attempt to rectify the discreditation heaped upon him, maverick inventor Djoko Suprapto's invited people to his house to once again demonstrate the power of “Blue Energy”.

While the Jakarta Post quoted that “It was an auspicious moment for the 48-year-old Djoko, a man of dubious educational background, to prove in public his controversial "blue energy" invention was no hoax” the reality is probably more like Bullshit second time around..

This time he changed his tune saying “it wasn't blue energy but rather an alternative energy mix which was 70 percent water and 30 percent diesel.”

The crowd which had gathered did not include any “experts, rather a mix of journalists and laymen who have obviously displayed talent in the “arse from elbow” school of thought.

I am surprised that anyone was there at all as Djoko had moved the showing from 2 p.m. to 9 a.m. It seems that Pak Djoko was trying to avoid enquiries he did not want to answer.

Here goes the Jakarta Post report…Classic Stuff

“As Djoko started the long-awaited demo, all eyes were set on a red rectangular box -- the infamous "Jodhipati" -- which Joko said could power an electric drill and light up bulbs using his fuel. With six 1.5 volt batteries attached, the drill and lights did indeed start up and then remained working after the batteries were removed a few minutes later. The generator is able to produce 10,000 watts of electricity, according to Djoko.

"After the generator starts, it doesn't need an external source of energy. It will work independently," he told his audience.

Knowing his public expose was a "success" he became agitated. He turned to a certain Pak Fuckwit, an academic representing Yogyakarta's Muhammadiyah University, which used to finance his research, and shouted at him, "Fuckwit, please explain all this to the audience and don't dare to intimidate me and never call me a liar again."

"Touch the inside of this box and see if you can get electrocuted."

(While reading this I rolled around on the floor expecting the report to continue with “a volunteer from the audience quickly proved that this was true”)

Initially, the invention had been hailed as a mighty example of Indonesian Innovation and the Muhammadiyah University had spent Rp 1.5 billion (about US$ 166 thousand) on further research only to discover that it was an elaborate hoax. The university has filed a claim for repayment off the investment money.

The university's rector also resigned last week over the scandal. One wonders how they could have approved the investment in the first place and also, given that their gullibility has been exposed, what level of education do they provide.

Getting back to one off the guests, Pak Fuckwit seems to have been the one who asked Djoko to conduct the demonstration for the public and journalists.

Acknowledging he was impressed, Fuckwit said he would ask Djoko to let all the equipment be tested by scientists from such institutions as the Indonesian Institute of Sciences (LIPI), the National Atomic Energy Agency (Batan) and the Agency for Research and Application of Technology (BPPT).

It really does not get any better than this….

Scammers of the world unite!

Sick, you’d better bloody well believe it. Plumbing new depths, thieves have discovered a new scam to make a fast buck, become a doctor, and ask for cash….

Ibu Sillycow received a phone call from a man saying he was a doctor from a local hospital. He told Sillycow her daughter was dying in the hospital and needed an operation. The man asked her to transfer some money for the lifesaving procedure or she would die.

Sillycow lost the plot and demanded her husband transfer Rp 14.7 million (US$1,580) to a bank account, as specified by the Doctor. The stupid bastard did so!

The daughter had supposedly been in an accident and required immediate surgery to implant a heart pacemaker.

Right, you guessed it…a fucking scam. There was nothing wrong with her daughter and the hospital had not called!

Meanwhile, the local plod responded to the Jakarta Post with "I understand people panic when they hear their loved ones are dying in the hospital, but they have to be careful because it is probably a case of fraud," vice head of the criminal division at the city police Adjutant Senior Commander Sergeant Major Dixon of Dock Green said.

No mention was made about tracing neither the Bank Account Number nor the Bank that received the cash…wonder why!

Meanwhile, showing how fucking stupid some Jakartans can be a teacher claims she was hypnotized on her way to work and Rp 10 million (US$1,075) was stolen from her.

The Indonesian language teacher (supposedly well educated) said she met an old man called Zakaria, (funny that, Zakar is Indonesian for penis) who claimed to be the general manager of an oil company in Brunei Darussalam.

Apparently he explained that he needed assistance in changing some money, which he claimed he would give to charity.

Here’s where it all goes Indonesian. As quoted in the Jakarta Post “A veiled woman named Dewi approached the two people, showing sympathy to the old man, while her friend approached the group in a car.

Sugiyanti said she agreed to take the group to her house in Pasar Minggu. She took her bank account book and cashed it in at Bank DKI on Jl. Panglima Polim in South Jakarta, but did not know why. She now believes she was hypnotized. “

Come on for fuxxsakes. Am I missing something here or is everyone in this city as gullible as these victims. Anywhere else in the world I think that people would know when a scam was getting pulled, but apparently not in Jakarta.

Better dash, I have a triple bypass to get paid for and a golden fob watch to buy, oh yes, and when I count to ten you will wake up and remember nothing!

Indonesian Magic (Or how to Bamboozle the President)

One of my "Daily Reads" is Jakartass who is linked on the left hand column. Having been a regular consumer of his "musings" and also having met him I have plenty of time to wade through his postings and I enjoy what each new post contains.

Jakartass is also "Green" I mean very "Green" and I rather enjoyed the post which I have linked here.

EcoFuel

I recommend you read this before moving on to the best bit....

Obviously the Jakarta Post decided to do some checking up and this was subsequently published. Has to be scam of the century! (I giggled my tits off)


Indonesian 'wonder fuel' just plain diesel: report

A controversial plan backed by Indonesia's president to turn water into cheap and limitless energy has run aground, with tests showing the wonder fuel is just plain diesel, a report said Tuesday.

Government scientists have revealed that tests on the so-called "Blue Energy," purportedly made from water, showed it was diesel from state oil company Pertamina, The Jakarta Post reported.

"Blue Energy is nothing extraordinary as it is just a form of hydrocarbon or fossil fuel," Research and Technology Minister Kusmayanto Kadiman was quoted as saying.

The energy "breakthrough" grabbed headlines in Indonesia after its inventor, Joko Suprapto, managed to convince President Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono he could separate hydrogen from water, turning it into diesel.

The plan was exhibited at the United Nations climate change conference in Bali in December with the president's blessing.

Suprapto went missing last month but was found in a hospital in West Java suffering from heart problems after Yudhoyono, fearing he had been abducted by jealous oil barons, ordered a police search, Tempo news magazine reported.

It further appears that quite a large sum of cash was made available by the government to the aptly named Joko

How embarrassing!