Driving In Jakarta

Getting the hang of things now......

About to head off to watch the boys preparing for the "Shagging for the Ashes", regular Bintang (1/2 pints for those not knowing) to wash down the Vitamin "F" pills and then off to the 6th Floor (disreputable establishment) to perform the dirty deed for their countries honour.

The problem about getting anywhere here is that there are unique traffic rules which I thought I may share here for all to learn.

HOW TO DRIVE IN INDONESIA

To operate a motor vehicle in Indonesia you must understand the rules of transportation in an entirely different way. Definitions you thought were above re-definition will immediately be re-defined. Please pay attention.

THE ROAD: this includes not only the paved portion of the highway, but also what we might call "the verge", "the curb", "the pavement", "the front yard", "the roadside restaurant", and "the monastery". The paved portion of the roadway is generally one lane wide. Not one lane in each direction; one lane!

RESPECT: All animals are granted the greatest respect. It is presumed that, being highly evolved creatures, chickens and dogs and the like know how to side step a Toyota Corolla doing 78 mph on a wet road during a national religious holiday.

The same position of honor is granted to small children, men with 30 kg hay on their heads, unattended oxcarts, and elderly women in mystical trances. Swerving, or slowing down to avoid these beings would cause them considerable dishonor.

DISHONOUR: getting from morning to night whilst remaining in the same incarnation

LANES: These colourful white and yellow markings wish a hearty "welcome" to every traveler. They have no other function.

PASSING: This is the national sport. Observant motorists may encounter the vertical triple (passing three vehicles in the one acceleratory movement); the horizontal triple (passing a vehicle that is itself passing a vehicle); or even rare double-double (passing a vehicle at precisely the same time that another vehicle, coming from the other direction, is also engaged in the act of passing)

TAIL NOSING: What to do when not passing

BEING PASSED: This is an insult not to be endured. The greater the differential between your vehicle (say, a broken tricycle) and the passing vehicle (say, a Boeing 747-400), the greater the potential loss of prestige. The owner of the less powerful vehicle must do everything in his/her power to thwart any attempts to be overtaken.

SEATBELTS: These are absolutely unnecessary. Not only are they not worn, in most cases they are not even supplied. Passengers are fully protected by the horn (see below).

LIGHTS: Rapidly blinking, the headlights can mean many things, including "OK to pass now", "Dangerous to pass now", get out of the way", or "may you find the silver thread in the linen lining of your existence". It takes years, sometimes entire lifetimes, to learn this subtle and intriguing intuitive nonverbal communication skill. Generally, you have about 3 seconds.

THE HORN: When sounded loudly and frequently enough, the horn sets up an invisible energy barrier protecting the vehicle and its inhabitants from all harm. The faster the vehicle is going the better the horn works. This is the central concept of motoring.

ACCIDENTS: These are rare. They are usually the result of a malfunctioning horn.

Several other driving conventions have developed over years of accepted practice. They include:
1.
Drivers of wheeled vehicles keep to the left-hand side of the road, except when it is not convenient.
2.
The solid white line in the center of the road means "no crossing". If you are to the right of it, stay there.
3.
When turning right, first steer suddenly to the left lane, and then swerve diagonally aiming directly at the turnoff. This maneuver can be aided by passengers waving a limp wrist out he window, preferably both sides.
4.
Kijangs (local equivalent to a Diahatsu Feroza) may not carry more than 24 passengers (excluding chickens, children, goats, ducks etc)
5.
Motorcyclists may not stay in the same lane for more than 20 feet
6.
Motorcycles should not carry more than six people, unless they are members of the same family (or at least very good friends). There is no restriction on the length or number of Bamboo poles that may be carried.
7.
Passengers on motorcycles may not carry more than one TV
8.
Taxis should not carry any more than 8 passengers, or 2749 chickens at one time
9.
Pedestrians must look straight ahead and move across the road at a constant speed

Bearing all of the above in mind, I am off to the pub with my trusty driver, who needless to say drives just like the rest of the nutters on the roads.

Later