Saturday, 25 August 2007

Colonial Past


As you travel further from the city centre with it's towers and glass fronted spires, a gentler side to Jakarta can be found.
Behind the palm lined street's, nestled in the background are the relics of the Dutch colonial past.
Needless to say, not all have been well looked after!

Are we there yet Dad?


Pretty typical, the family outing!
Mum and Dad both wear crash helmets but ignore the one most at risk...

Dont Give a Fuck


While driving back from Sunda Kelapa this old bastard cuts across three lanes of traffic without looking or caring.
Pretty typical around here and a major reason as to why there are so may accidents!

Sunda Kelapa


This 500-year-old harbor area was a vital link to markets of the outside world for the 15th century kingdom of Pajajaran. It was formerly the harbor town of Sunda Kelapa where the Portuguese traded with the Hindu Kingdom of Pajajaran in the early 16th century.
Since than this port has belonged to the Dutch and now Indonesia.
Time has stood still here!
Between all those high glass offices , traffic jam's and noise you will find the harbor , almost a quiet spot.
Large wooden ships enter here to release their cargo. These ships look much older then they are...
Decades ago they used to bring spices from the other islands to ship to Europe , mainly the Netherlands.
Nowadays these ships contain wood. Tropical wood to make expensive furniture, the majority of the wood being teak.
These goods are unloaded by men walking the small unstable gangway with a loads that normal guys like myself would say "No fucking way".
The longshoremen used to receive a piece of string arround their arm everytime they walked up and down and got paid based on the number of strings, ..these days they make about US$ 3 -11 per day depending for who they work and the sort of cargo.

Long Story - The Office Mug


Got to the office, made coffee and proceeded to get my morning caffiene fix!
AAaargh, sugar, fucking loads off it, some other bastrad had used my mug and it had not been washed properly!
Cleaned the said mug and waited for the Office Boy to arrive.
On his arrival I ensured that he saw me get my knob out and wipe it around the inside of the mug!
As planned, he told everyone, I was confident that no-one would ever use my mug again!
The best laid plan's etc etc came undone when I got a delegation of (muslim) female staff demanding that this mug never be allowed into the kitchen again as they did not want their own "mugs" infected.
Bollocks! Had to buy a new mug!

Belching Buses

(Picture re-used from earlier post - thanks Stick)
Jakarta has decided after nearly 500 years to consider an integrated mass rapid transportation system.

City inhabitants -- seeing plans for busways, monorails, subways and water taxis -- are dreaming of a future of roads unplagued by run-down city buses.

But then the TransJakarta busway arrived, and it was goodbye Kopaja.
(Kopaja is responsible for ½ the shit on the road and, in fairness about 80% of vehicle emissions)

In a time when becak (mini buses) and bajaj (three wheeled death traps) still thrived in a less-sprawled Jakarta, city buses were the way of the future.

But when the MRT finally kicks in, most of the older forms of transport will be politely told to “get the fuck out of here”!

Around 6,500 buses have been, and will be, affected by the introduction of TransJakarta busway alone.

Of course, this will mean unemployment as there are currently about 13,000 workers, since one bus is often staffed by two alternating drivers.

The administration has included the current bus operators in its TransBatavia consortium, a joint cooperation to manage the city's busway corridors. (read corruption)

Prior to the introduction of TransJakarta, city public transportation was basic with Pak and Ibu Fuckwit having no option but to hop on the notorious buses and minivans.

The existing fleet still consists of street devils by all definitions: unsafe, uncomfortable and unfriendly to the environment. In addition, hawkers, musicians and beggars are using them as work areas and your ride, uncomfortable to start with is fraught with these additional parasites from start to finish!

What do you expect when people are only paying Rp 1,000 or Rp 2,000 for the ride? Bus owners don't have the resources to maintain or revamp their old buses.

For the owners, problems only come twice a year when the buses require their official safety and quality tests at the Pulogadung center for public transportation.

"A healthy bus could pass with Rp 400,000. But failure to meet one of the requirements costs another Rp 50,000," said Dul Ilham, a colleague of Ogan who specializes in making sure that the buses pass the tests. (read corruption)

An observation at the Pulogadung testing center backs up Dul's story, with drivers queuing their buses for the test familiar with the "special handshake."

The result is apparent in the buses that freely roam the streets with brakes that often fail and thick smoke coming from their exhausts, or rather lack of exhausts.

"Paying those fees is already a burden. You can't expect us to take the buses to the garage every month for maintenance," said Tobing, the owner of two Metro Minis, who competes with 35 others on the same route.

Tobing said he had to come up with Rp 40 million to start operating his buses.
"For route fees and all. You know, that sort of thing," he said. (Read kickbacks)

And with that investment, he collects Rp 200,000 a day from his drivers. (Read he is also being ripped off by his drivers)

With the special handshake available to waive maintenance problems, there are no incentives or disincentives for him to spend more on maintenance or revamp his fleet.

The chaos of the industry is in turn made more complex by the erratic and dangerous behavior of drivers and passengers.

Fucking nightmare is about the only description for it, however, it looks as if despite the best intentions, the nightmare will last for at least another 500 years!

Popped Cherry?


A controversial proposal to conduct virginity tests on female high school students in Indramayu regency, West Java, has been dropped following strong objections from students, parents and activists.
They said the plan violated human rights and constituted harassment against women.

Indramayu Regent Irianto Fuckwit came up with the idea last week after two high school students were caught having sex on video. It appears that it took numerous viewings of the said video to reach that conclusion. The regents staff were also caught up in the incident with multiple visits to Hero Supermarket to re-supply the rapidly depleting stocks of Kleenex in the palace.

The video, which runs for around three minutes, involves a 16-year-old female student and 17-year-old male student, both from state run senior high schools in the regency.

(If my memory serves me correctly I was capable of a lot longer than three minutes when I was that age.)

Indramayu Health Agency Director Suwardi Fuckwit said his agency had not received any instructions from the regent regarding the conducting of tests. "I would not do it unless there is an order from the regent," he said.

However, he said it would not be easy to conduct such tests as out of some 16,000 senior high school students in the regency, half were female students. The regency has 78 senior high schools, of which 46 are state schools. (Ah the thought, 8,000 pairs of legs to be spread and checked)

Although the plan has been dropped, the Health Agency Human Resources department confirmed that many applications for the position of “ Hymen Inspectors” have been received including a surprise CV from a certain Mr. G. Glitter

Two Months Off

I know I keep saying it but at least I'm getting better. This time Jock Moffaty (in Spain) and Kinoy (location unknown) made me post another couple of "fings"

Note to self again. Must try harder..............

Oops sorry.....


Pornographic pictures appeared when a Tax Official General Major Captain Fuckwit made a presentation in front of media editors in Jakarta.

The pictures, which were allegedly from the private collection of one of the directorate's staff members, appeared on the screen when the General Major Captain was talking about hotline numbers the public can access regarding tax payments.


A directorate official denied speculation that the pictures were shown on purpose. He said the pictures appeared when the laptop operator inserted a flash disk into the laptop and opened an adobe photoshop album program.

It further appears that the goat featured in the slideshow has been offered a princely sum to tell its side of the story!

Friday, 24 August 2007

Fuckwits and Fakers!


While more and more multi-story malls crowd the city -- it's the market stalls on the streets that are attracting the real crowds.

Taman Puring market in South Jakarta is known by many locals as one of the city's best black markets.
Just behind Blok M, this flea-like market is stinking, colourful, noisy but well-established, with hundreds upon hundreds of tiny stalls selling sports apparel, electronics, men and women's shoes, ladies fashion, lingerie, surfing gear and, of course, dodgy DVDs.

Because it's a black market, you'd assume it might be open only occasionally, but apparently Taman Puring is open every day of the week, only closing when they get a police tip off about an impending raid!

Nike, Converse and Vans shoes are all available -- but you'll find all of this shit is counterfeit.
"A pair of original Converse sneakers costs around Rp 200,000 (about US$22)," said Lahwat Fuckwit , a stall owner who's been conning punters at Taman Puring for more than 11 years. "Here we can sell them for only Rp 70,000, problem is they only last for six months, but I don’t give a fuck!”

When asked which of the sneakers he sold were counterfeit, Lahwat said, "I don't know. I can't tell the difference but, in fairness, I like many off my customers have never seen a real pair of shoes”.

"They all look alike and they arrive every month or two," he said.

"When I started selling shoes at Taman Puring there were just 150 stands, but you see today, there's more than 600."

A Fuck of a lot of Fakery………

Busted


Military police arrested 34 people in raids on several Jakarta nightclubs.

"Most of (those arrested) were officers who were absent from duty, some of them were not carrying any ID and some were arrested because they were carrying drugs," an Army Officer who led the raids, was quoted as saying. (Sounds like just another day at the barracks for the Indonesian Army)

The four discotheques, (read whorehouses) which were raided between 1 a.m. and 5 a.m., were Top One, Bandara Daan Mogot and Millenium in Gajah Mada, and Exotik in Mangga Besar -- all in West Jakarta.

Yusri said the raids were carried out after military police received a large number of complaints from the community about officers abusing their power and misusing guns. (read looking for free drinks and free fucks)

Funny how no-one takes any action on complaints when they gun down innocent civilians in the name of “following orders”.

Bonking In Bandung (Update)


Bandung municipality will permanently close down the oldest red-light district in the city to make way for a proposed Islamic centre, putting more than 1,000 people out of work in the process.

I am in two minds as to whether this is a good or bad thing. Knowing where the red light area is and being able to survey the activities is a lot safer than driving the industry underground. It would also reduce trafficking and underage workers, probably a better contribution to public morality than closing the place down!

Bandung Public Order Office head Priana Fuckwit said more than 1,000 public order and police officers, (read Thugs) assisted by hundreds of members of the Islam Defenders Front and Bandung Immoral Watch, would spread out across the Saritem red-light district.

"We will round up pimps and sex workers and order building owners who rent out their houses for prostitution to stop," said one city official tucking his shirt back into his trousers. “Best 50,000 Rupiah I have spent since last week” he further added.

He also said authorities would work with the Islam Defenders Front (Thugs) and Bandung Immoral Watch (also Thugs) to seal off and secure the area and detain pimps and sex workers. It is also assumed that the police would also demand that the offenders be re-educated before being released.

Authorities are completing their inventory (I can just see it, spread sheets containing details of dildo’s and strap on’s) of brothels in the district that will be shuttered as the closure of the red-light district was based on a 2005 governor's decree on public order which prohibits prostitution.

"They (brothels) should have been closed down the moment the bylaw came into effect on Nov. 1, 2006. But we gave the pimps, sex workers and local residents more time to prepare themselves and seek other sources of income," he said. Needless to say, it appears that no one could be arsed looking for alternative employment. One Kupu Kupu Malam (literally Night Butterfly) actually said that business was very good. “If I had another set of legs I would open up in Jakarta”

Bandung municipal secretary Edi Fuckwit said his office was prepared to offer those affected by the closure training in new business skills. (The mind boggles)

The municipality is still listing the workers in Saritem, which has been around since Dutch colonial days. So far, authorities have listed 1,089 workers who will be affected by the closure, including 428 brokers, 96 stall owners and 205 pimps. (Do the maths, that means only 360 actual purveyors of the flesh)

The proposal to turn Saritem into an Islamic center was made by several political parties and Muslim organizations. The Prosperous Justice Party faction in the municipal council made a similar suggestion. Its secretary, Tedy Fuckwit, said the presence of an Islamic centre could create more business opportunities.

"Not only will the area's image be repaired, the local economy will also thrive due to the large number of people visiting the area, thus creating job opportunities, such as parking attendants (wasters), stall owners (vagabonds) and other service providers (presumably undercover pimps)," said Tedy.

In addition, Tedy did mention, with a touch of melancholic afterthought “It seems a pity that my Friday afternoon post sholat nosh days are over”

Warung Jawah

Found this house nearby which was rebuilt from houses originally in Jogjakarta.

The guy has made it into a museum and does guided tours. It's actually a good night out, but beware, I thought the food was crap!
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Corruption? Not in this police force!


A police officer pulls over a motorist and asks him to show his driver's license and his vehicle's documents. Upon receiving the documents, the cop fucks off from the scene.The motorist then stops his vehicle and follows the officer.

A brief conversation ensues, with the police insisting the motorist has violated the traffic regulation and has to be booked.



Please note, the said offence is mostly perceived, never actually happened and you were just the next guy in line for the special treatment.The license and vehicle documents are handed over for review. Another conversation follows, with the motorist taking out his wallet. Shortly afterward, the two shake hands and the motorist gets back his license and vehicle documents. This scenario plays itself over and over again every day in Jakarta.


Virtually all motorists can say they have had to pay some kind of kickback after violating a traffic rule -- they pay the money to avoid the promised red-tape at the nearest precinct. The bribe is sometimes as low as Rp 5,000 (55 U.S. cents), but if you are a foreigner driving the car or the cop spots that your driver has a foreigner as a passenger the figure increases greatly.

My driver now routinely puts Rp. 20,000 in the registration papers to save hime the hassle of pulling out his wallet, theory being that if the cop spots a wad of dosh, the “fine” will be higher. (Smart thinking agent 99)

The way it works is simple; Pay me small money now or I keep your license and vehicle documents, you have to visit the cop shop and perhaps pay a larger fine, to say nothing of having to spend a whole day trying to retrieve said license.

At the heart of the problem is that low-ranking officers in Indonesia get a monthly basic salary of Rp 793,500 (US$88), while those in the highest bracket get Rp 2,512,800 per month. (US$), hence the need for the “lunch money”

Ironically some Indonesians say that a functioning reward and punishment system would not address the issue of police corruption because they themselves work in a similar fashion.

If you want a document hustled through officialdom quicker, pay a bribe, want a new telephone line installed, pay a bribe, want your electricity supply repaired after the junction box has blown up after the last dodgy repair, pay a bribe. .

From top to bottom, facilitation fee’s are the nations life blood, after all if it’s good enough for the elected government it must be good for the masses.

Better stop now, I have to bribe the house girl to do the dishes…..

Be Afraid, Very Very Afraid

Don't be deceived by the boys on the streets wearing shocking orange court jester hats or orange T-shirts bearing funny statements. Trust me, they are absolutely not cute or funny.
With the Indonesian Soccer League underway, some weekends here will be different. Jakmania will turn the streets orange and we'd all better be careful.
So, here are some tips. If you happen to be driving and see one or two on the street, that's all right, but if there are more than three then you have to be extra careful.

The good thing about them is that if they come in a group, there's always some sort of warning noise -- yells, drums and car horns signal their arrival to other motorists. If you don't want to get hurt or your to get car scratched, you'd better give them right of way.

Many motorists have learned this unconventional special code and will slacken their speed to give way to the orange entourage. One, two, three, four, five motorists will do the same thing and there they are, stuck in a jam of their own creation.

A few months ago, a mikrolet driver driving along Jl. Arteri Pondok Indah in South Jakarta was chased by several angry boys -- all wearing the orange touch. They took advantage of a traffic jam and ran faster than the mikrolet.

The minivan wobbled and tried to escape, but the boys caught up with its wheels.
Other motorists watched as the minivan driver caved and allowed the boys onto the roof of the car -- their favorite spot. Inside the van, the seats remained empty. What a view.

That represents just a small part of the ugly behavior of soccer fans in public. Last year one of them was hit by a truck and killed while chasing a minibus in North Jakarta.

Don't get me wrong. This is not a fear or smear campaign. Most of them are teenagers, and many are small children, and they are part of a mighty force, the die-hard fans of Jakarta's Persija soccer club.

The official name of the club is Jakmania (find them online at www.jakmania.org) but on their orange shirts and shawls you'll also see them identified as The Jaks, Pasukan Oranye or "Orange Troop", Persija Lovers and many more.

This problem is not specific to Jakarta, or any other city. It's a universal thought. It's human nature, or, to be precise, male nature.

Boys get carried away by peer pressure, which raises their confidence and identity by becoming part of something bigger than themselves. The Jaks are here. Other cities have their own versions.

But how can boys risk their priceless young lives in struggles just to reach Lebak Bulus stadium?
Hanging half out of a speeding Metro Mini is not a nice way to travel. Chasing cars down the middle of busy streets is a good way to cause a traffic jam, or, worse, get hit by a driver who is too slow to hit the brakes.

Sitting casually and precariously on the tops of minibuses and trains, the boys sing and yell, as warming up for the soccer match.

It might be their business to sit on the roof of a moving vehicle, but the safety of other motorists and passengers is definitely not.

Despite the traffic jams that they cause -- thank God most soccer matches are on the weekends -- they are interesting to watch on the street. Flags and ornaments are hung from the roofs of buses, and if you're close enough, you'll hear them make some rather funny catcalls about Persija and Jakarta.

With their fearlessness and "creative" performances, the members of Jakmania have their charms for motorists who had enough bad traffic and dull roads. As long as we know how to treat them, the boys are "fun" enough to entertain us.

But deep down we hope that this fanaticism is just a fad that will fade away as soon as the boys grow up and find something useful to do.

It's probably just wishful thinking to imagine a Jakarta free of soccer hooligans, at least as long as Persija exists and the city has a lack of places for high-spirited boys.

In the meantime, if you see the boys in Orange, fuck off to the nearest pub! Quickly!